WBmmmm't- mm 

MmmftMam 





If: "V 










• ,#' 








V 



^ .: 






<#v *■ 



•- *o. 







^^A 



** v % 





» 






> v ..*••• ^ 





*b 





'/ 



CRS M PBWTEHS, \ 

SFFIELI). 



ADVEB 




Important to every one— Just Completed, 

A VALUABLE INDEX, 

Containing the ARMS of nearly 
EVERY FAMILY IN ENGLAND, 
IRELAND, AND SCOTLAND. 

J The result of Thirty Years' LABorit, extracted from Public and 
Private Records, Church Windows, Monumental Brasses, County 
a, Histories, and other sources throughout the Kingdom. 

Families desirous of knowing their Proper Crest or Coat of Arms are 
requested to send Name and County. Mr. Cuxletoh bavin* devoted many 
years to the study of Heraldry, is enabled to answer all questions connected 
with that beautiful science, explaining how Arras should be borne by the 
head of each family, and all the different branches thereof— how the Arms 
of Man and Wife should be blended together— the various marks of cadency 
to be placed on each Coat— the proper heraldic colours for Servants 
Liveries— what buttons to be used -and how the Carnage should be painted, 
according to the rules of heraldic etiquette. 

Plain Sketch of any Person's Arms £0 3 6 

Coloured ditto J J J 

Arms, Crest, and family motto 1l 

Arms of Man and Wife blended together 18 

ABMS Quartered and Emblazoned in the most elegant style. 

Family Pedigrees traced from, authentic Records at the College of Anns, 
British. Museum, Record Office, and other places. Correct information how 
to obtain a new Grant of Arms, the cost of same, and how to add or change 
one's name. Pedigrees illuminated on Parchment. Wills searched and 
every kind of genealogical information obtained from Pariah Records. 



THE MANUAL OF HERALDRY, 

Four Hundred Engravings, 3s. 6d., post free, by 

T. CULLETO N, 

Genealogist, and Lecturer on Heraldry at the Mechanics' Institute, 

25, CRANBOURN STREET, 

Corner of Ft. Martin's Lane, London, W.C. 



CULLETON'S HERALDIC OFFICE for Engraving Arms on Stone, Steel, 
and Silver according to the laws of Garter and Ulster kin g-at- Anns, 
anaBinw,«,w»u _. _ .., . ,, L . ™.. tp P! ,y,-aved with 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 




Has saved Fifty 

Extensive Premises from 

Destruction by Fire. 



Verified particulars 
from 

SOLE LICENSEE, 

COWARD CASPER, 

33, POULTRY. 



GERRARD ROBINSON, 

fefoer h Wash, 

14, DUKE STREET, MANCHESTER SQUARE, W. 

Every description of Carving in Wood executed, including 
Birds, Beasts, Fishes, Reptiles, and Foliage. "tuning 

****" Uwnfor carving ■Panels in room? and halls. 

LESSONS GIVEN. 

I rver and designer of the cekbrlted Robinson Crusoe and 
n Ch f a ^f deboards, the latter of which (by the kina pTr 
T ' , ° *• ^Committee is now exhibiting in the Polytechnic 
ation, Regent Street, W. ' tuljZmxc 

MADAME VAMRY^s1SMIH^MEWAOT7fb7in^iSlv 

on the Hair," post tree, T Madame Valery's "Treatise 

46, WIGMOBK STREET, CAVENDISH SQUAKE. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 



TOURISTS AND TRAVELLERS, 

VISITORS TO THE SEASIDE, AND OTHERS 
Exposed to the scorching rays of the sun, and heated particles of dust, will find 

ROWLANDS' KALYDOR 

A mast refreshing preparation for the complexion, dispelling thecln. 
languor and relaxation, allaying all beat and irritability, and inn 
affording the pleasing sensation attending restored elasticity and healthful 
state of the skin. 

Freckles, tans, spots, pimples, flushes, and discoloration, fly before its 
application, and give place to delicate clearness, with the glow of bea 
and of bloom. In cases of sunburn, or stings of insects, its virt 
long been acknowledged. Price 4s. 6d. and 3s. 6d. per bottle. 

The heat of summer also frequentlv communicates a dryness to 
and a tendency to fail off, which mav be completely obviated by th 

ROWLANDS' MACASSAR OIL, 

A delightfully fragrant and transparent preparation, and as an in^ . 
and beautifier of the hair beyond all precedent. 

ROWLANDS' ODONTO; 

Oil PEA-RL DENTIFRICE, . 

A ^hite powder compounded oftne choicest and ^ost fragrant exotics. It ***** <« 
the teetfi a pearl-like whiteness, frees them irom tartar, aadiraparta *° l£ x go^ 
healthy firmness, and to the breath a pleasing fragrance. Price 2s. 90. per box. a 
by Chemists and Perfumery ^ . K0WLANDS , „ ArticleB . 



lk~<DTbT&CD2Sr'& IP ILLS 
Cure all Curable Diseases. 

PROVED by an experience of forty years. Half a million 
cases of cure have been published. „ m *.~ B ;„ 

Sold bv appointed agents and chemists and medicine vendors, in boxe>, 
at 7£d., is., Is. Ud., 2s. Ud., 4s. 6d., and lis. each. 

M ORISON'S VEGETABLE APERIENT, CLEANSING 
POWDER. 

THESE Powders assist the action of the Pills in secu 
speedy cure. . , 

Sold in boxes at Is. l^d. each. 

MORISON'S UNIVERSAL OINTMENT 

M1HIS Ointment is recommended as the best external appli 
± tion in all cases of Wounds, Cutaneous Eruptiona, &c. 
In pots at Is. l^d. and 2s. 9a. each. 

MORISON'S PILLS, POWDERS, and OINTMEN1 
Universal Vegetable Medicines. 
THESE Medicines are prepared only at the British Loll. 
Health luston Road, London. A liberal discount to me: 
C ^ectioTp^vs i an'd < ^e r Hygeian publications in most know* Ian. 
guages. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 



"EXCELSIOR!" PRIZE MEDAL. 
FAMILY 




^OS- 
FAMILY y^pT^- 

SEWING & EMBROIDERY MACHINES.' /C? 

With all the latest Improvements, 

SIMPLEST, CHEAPEST, & BEST. 

They are easy to operate, simple to 
learn, quiet in working, and not liable 
to derangement. They tuck, hem, 

TELL, GATHEK, COE.D, QUILT, BRAID, and 
EMBROIDER. 

Sews with equal ease on any thick- 
ness of material; from two ordinary 
reels, requires no rewinding, and the 
^ seam, if cut at every inch, will not rip. 
Price, from £o 6s. lists Free, 
WEIGHT & MANN, 
143, HOLBOilN BARS, LONDON, E.G. 
MANUFACTORY — GIPPING WOKgS, IPSWICH. 




WILLIAM WELL1R & CO. 



IMPORTERS OF 

WINES & SPIRITS, 

17, LATJEENCE PGTJNTNEY HILL, 

CANNON STREET. 



SOVEREIGN SHERRY 
SOVEREIGN PORT ... 
SOVEREIGN CLARET 



rJJMU 
20s. per dozen. ^ARTELt'^1 

%CMU.eBg ta 



Sample of Wine or Spirits, 12 stamps. "Ditto, 
of Champagne, pint, 06 stamps. Terms — Net 
cash, on receipt ©r delivery of Orders. Bankers — 
City Bank. 




Champagne, 10,000 Dozens, in Bond, at 21s. 6d. ; 

duty paid, 24s. per dozen. First-class wine. Sample quart bottle on 
receipt of 30 stamps. Single dozen forwarded for cash on or before 
delivery.— WILLIAM WELLER and CO., Wine and Spirit Importers, 17, 
Laurence Pountney -hill, Cannon-street, E.C. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 



LAMPLOUGH'S PYEETIC SALIISiE 

Is the only antidote in Cholera and Fevers. Forms a most agri 
renovating Beverage bv the simple addition of -vrater. 

LAMPLOUGH'S PYRETIC; SALINE, forms a most agreeable rei 
ing Beverage ; its efficacy in Sickness, General Debility, and Eruptive Com- 
plaints is supported by the Testimonials and Recommendation of nearly all 
our Metropolitan Physicians and Medical Gentlemen, and it has been recom- 
mended by their letters to her Majesty's Commissariat as a specific in 
Fevers and other affections of the Blood/ 

The late Dr. Prout characterised its discovery as " unfolding gem 
mmense benefit to mankind." 

William Stevens, E:-q., M.U., D.C.L., states in his -works on Choler; 
West India Fevers, that wherever the Saline Treatment is adoptee, I 
. Maladies arc deprived of their terrors. 

The late Dr. Turley states, in a letter, that in the worst cases of 
and Typhus Fevers* he found it in his experience and family to act 
•.no other medicine being required. 

John Spurgin, Esq., M.D., &c. Great Cumberland-street, offers hi 
mony of approbation, especially in affections of the Liver or Bilious F 

Letters from the Governor of* the West India Islands, received dur 
month of Juno, 1863, and one from Sierra Leone, states it has proved i 
feet cure in African Fever. 

Prepared Solely by H. LAMPLOUGH, 

113, EOLBORN, LONDON, E.C. 
In bottles at 2s. 6d.* 4s. 6d., lis., and 21s. each; also at SAVORT 
MOORE'S, and SANGER'S, Oxford-street ; WILKINSON'S, 270, R* 
street, and by most respectable Chemists. 

Vis the only antidote in Cholera & Fevers. 

INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION, 

LONDON. 



< 







s% 1862. mm^m 



*&>*■» 



-■ 













^;: ^?<4 



On 



ADVERTISEMENTS . 



BE VAN'S 

New Registered Reclining Chair.. 




This Chair is allowed to be the BEST that has ever been 
invented. 

It is easily adjusted. 

Is strong a?id simple in its co7istruction. 

In use it Expands the Chest, and gives general Ease and 
Comfort to the body. 

Is well adapted for Clubhouses, Hotels, and Gentle- 
men's Libraries. 



CHARLES BEVAN, 

Inventor and Designer of Mediceval Cabinet Furniture, Upholstery, 
and Decoration, 

66, MARGARET ST., CAVENDISH SQUARE, 

LONDON. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 



ARTIFICIAL TEETH AND PAINLESS TOOTH EXTRACTION. 
291, REGENT STREET. 

PAINFUL TEETH, or DECEASED STUMPS, EXTRACTED WIT 
TAIN. No chloroform, and perfectly safe. 

" There is no shame to our manhood if we distrust our own ability to endu- 
anguish of the body. ... It is no secret that of late local ansesthesi • has 
produced to such a decree, that the patient, retaining his consciousness, can wat< 
surgeon's knife as it curs to cure, nnd yet be without the slightest sensation 
phvsical s u fieri og"— Daily Telegraph, July 18, 18G6. 

"To none is the public more indebted 'than to Mr. Day."— Illustrated News, 
S2fi, June 9. 

"Mr. Day has succeeded in robbing tooth extraction of its horrors, and wethi 
are only fulfilling an act of duty by giving publicity to the fact."— Court Jo 
page 5S2, May 26. 

Mr. DAY, Dentist (late Principal Assistant to Mr. Eskell, of 8, Or , 
nor-street, W.), 291, Regent-street (three doors from the Polytechnic). 



IT'S NO FUN to pay 5s. for a Plate and 100 Ca^ 
when you can have them for 3s. 6d. 

IPS NO FUN to pay 2s. 6d. for 100 Cards, from 
plate, when yon can get them done for 2s. 

IT'S NO FUN to pay 10s. for Crest on stone seal, 

• when you can get it as well done for 6s. 6d. 

ITS NO FUN to pay Is. for engraving* Name on 

watch, cane, &c, when vou can have the same 
done for 6d. at T. COOPER'S Engraving 

Office, 55, Fleet Street. 



FLOSCULVUS' 9 yty 

NEW PERFUME. y^$0> 

' It ought to hccome a general yS*^ >c^ ** ' 




favourite."— Vide Court Circular, >^ ^y —--. A TT - 

June 2nd, 1866. >^t>V^J/ HAIK 

>- ^°*X DTE 



!d - y/i^y/ Esta blished 1 851 

'^£> r $y T hc only perfect DYE in one liqu 
/*<& V^black or brown, 3s. Gd. per bottle post-1 

'V* X'* 2 stamps. Sold by all Perfumers, &c. of n 



THE 



BROWN PAPERS. 



BY 



Af^thur Sketchley. 



REPRINTED FROM "FUN? 



London 
; FUN" OFFICE, So, FLEET STREET. 

1866. 



: 



• 1 



1*> 



PRINTED D-S WTPD AND GLA 
PBUBKIZ WOBK*, I 

LONDON. 



iMoixUxiis. 



■ I. Mrs. Brown at the Royal Academy 
II. Mrs. Brown goes to the Derby 

III. A Letter from a well-known Lady 

IV. Mrs. Brown at the Opera . 

V. Mrs. Brown Visits the West End 
VI. Mrs. Brown at the Dramatic Fete 
VII. Mrs. Brown's Vote Solicited 
VIII. Mrs. Brown on the Army . 
IX. Mrs. Brown makes a Night of it 
X. Mrs. Brown Visits the Monument 
XL Mrs. Brown goes in for Bargains 
XII. Mrs. Brown at a Wedding . 

XIII. Mrs. Brown pays a Neighbourly Visit 

XIV. Mrs. Brown among the Teetotallers 
XV. Mrs. Brown at the Old Bailey . 

XVI. Mrs. Brown and the Emperor of the 

French ..... 

XVII. Mrs. Brown on Domestic Servants 
XVIII. Mrs. Brown on Housekeeping 

XIX. Mrs. Brown and the Glazier 
XX. Mrs. Brown at Margate 



PAGE 

9 
IS 
20 

25 
32 
39 
43 
49 
55 
62 
68 

74 
80 
86 

93 

100 
106 
in 
117 
122 



XXI. Mrs. Brawn on the Move . . .127 

XXII. Mrs. Brown on the County Court . 133 

XXIII. Mrs. Brown on Guy Fawkes . .139 

XXIV. Mrs. Brown on Furnishing . .145 
XXV. Mrs. Brown on the Lord Mayor' s Show 151 

XXVI. Mrs. Brown gets a Treasure . .158 

XXVII. Brown keeps his Birthday . , .164 

XXVIII. Mrs. Brown on Modern Houses . .167 

XXIX. Mrs. Brown goes to an Evening Party . 1 74 
XXX. Mrs. Brown on Society . . .180 

XXXI. Mrs. Brown has a Dog brought Home . 186 



jPl\EFACE, 



The following letter, in reply to o?ie I had addressed to 
Mrs. Brown, will probably render any further intro- 
duction to the "Brown Papers" unnecessary: — 

Mr. Scratchley, — 

The idea of you, Sir, a-asking- my leave for to 
write a book about me is rich indeed, when I'm sure 
youVe been and made that . free with my name as 
will make me a by-word to my dyin' day, as the 
sayin' is, and not able for to put my nose over the 
door in comfort, tho' I'm sure a quieter neighbour 
wasn't never know'd ; and as to asking- my birthday, 
it's a downright insult, as is not likely for to send me 
no presents, I'm pretty sure ; and as to your sayin' 
as I was born in the early sentry, I only wish as my 
dear mother was alive for to hear you, thro' my 
father bein' a fellowship porter, as couldn't bear 
the name of a soldier, 'aving- had a brother as 
'listed, and never heard on no more ; not as he was 
much lofs, I should say, from what I've heard her 
speak about him, as was the terror of the family, 
thro' being given to liquor, and w^ould pledge any- 
thing for to get it, till at last sold his-self for a shil- 
ling-, and perished in the wars. But to say as I can 
remember the Regency is downright false, tho' living* 



VI. 



in his Park seven years, and remembers it well, as 
was ahvays damp, thro' bein' a clay soil, and 'ave 
heard say was a farm, tho' not the place for it as I 
should care about 'aving myself, as is very well for 
the country, but would never do in London, I should 
say ; for it's bad enough to see the cattle drove thro' 
the streets, and what they'd be a-feeding all about 
the place, gracious knows, as I'm sure them sheep 
in the Park is a downright disgrace for blackness, as 
must spoil the wool, and give the meat a nasty 
flavor; leastways, I can't bear nothing smoked 
myself, as is downright carelessness, and what I 
never would have, for it spoils the tea, if the least 
bit gets in. All as I've got to say is that it's all thro' 
you as I've been brought to light at all, as is what I 
never would have put up with, and if Brown had a- 
been a man of any sperrit he'd a-took it up, as the sayin > 
is. But law, p'raps it don't matter after all ; for I'm not 
ashamed of myself, and don't care who knows about 
me, for Fm sure I've had my trials, if 'ard w r ork is one; 
and now as I'm come to be more comfortable circum- 
stanced, and can set at my ease a-looking backwards, 
and don't wish as things had been different, as might 
have been worse, for we knows what things 'as been, 
but don't never know what they might have been ; 
tor I'm sure I've seen others worse off than myself, 
and yet never thought as it would come to it, thro' 
'olding their 'eads that 'igh as is sure to have a fall, 
for a prouder woman than Mrs. Whatman I never 
see, as walked about a -tossing of her 'ead like a oss 
at a funeral and nothing to be proud on, Fm sure, 



Vll. 

with the bed took from under her, as is a painful 
position I should say, tho' p'raps them as is used to it 
don't feel it, as would be my death, to say nothing- of 
the disgrace, as I'm sure sure some people ain't no 
feelin', or that Mrs. Warne never could have had 
the face for to put up "Genteel Apartments," when 
her place was a downright dog hole, and as to twelve 
shillings a week, it was highway robbery downright ; 
and no wonder as parties always bolted, tho' as to 
her a-saying as that brought her to ruin, it's rubbish, 
for if ever there was a woman as took a drop, she 
was the party, a-sendin' out the girl for it all hours, 
downright brazen, as a bottle in the apron always 
looks bad in my opinion ; but if you want to know 
any more about me ask the neighbours right and 
left, and you'll hear a plenty, as I've had to threaten 
with the law once or twice; so you look out as you don't 
go a-printing any things as is like a label on me, for 
I've got friends in the law, thro' one a-being a porter 
at a law stationer's these fifteen years, and my own 
niece's boy is in chambers in the Temple, as is a easy 
place at six shillings a week, tho' lonesome, thro' the 
gentleman always a-promising to be back in ten 
minutes, and never a-turning up no more. Mind, I 
don't want none of your flattering butter, a -talking 
about my wirtues, and as to your a-sayin' as people 
likes me, that's all very well, but why ever shouldn't 
they, as never did them no 'arm, nor wouldn't hurt a 
fly was it ever so? Only, whatever you say, don't gG 
about a~statin' as isn't true, for I never had a con- 
sumption, as you meant for to hawk me about on 



Vlll. 

book-stalls, tho' I'm sure there's a many I could give 
ideas to in welcome, as don't seem to have none in 
their own heads; tho' I will say as book-learnin' 
don't do much good, except to them as has their 
senses about 'em, and then books isn't necessary ; 
but parties 'as often told me as I spoke like a book, 
as I'm sure any one is welcome for to hear. So no 
more at present, thro' Mr. Giddens, as I've got to 
write it, being obligated for to go, and I 'turns him 
many thanks thro' 'aving took that pains over it, and 
remains, yours respectful, 

MARTHA BROWN. 




The Brown Papers. 



No. i. 




ELL, they may call it a academy if they likes, 
but it is no more like Mr. Spanker's as I used 
to wash for as had a blue board and gold 
letters in the Bow-road than nothing-, and as for me 
going- it was only thro' Mrs. Simmons a-wishing- to 
consult one of them West-end doctors about her 
throat, and feeling- nervous says, "Would you mind for 
to accompany me, Mrs. Brown, now ? " So I says as 
I would with pleasure thro' her being far from strong, 
and her own mother being gone to nurse another 
daughter as is married out at Rotherhithe. So we 
went in a cab as was the joltingest as ever I got into, 
with both windows up, thro' Mrs. Simmons's throat, as 
a draught might have laid hold on. 

When we gets to the doctor's, and was showed 
into a elegant room as had picters round about as 
seemed to speak like, one gent had a eye like a hawk 
as seemed to foller you all over the room. I couldn't 
a-set in that room alone with that picter was it ever 
so, and was glad wjien the gentleman as let us in as I 
took for the doctor, and began a-telling about Mrs. 
Simmons, as checked me — too rude, but never mind, 
and certainly I never see such kindness as that doctor, 
never, tho' I was surprised as he should a-took me 
for Mrs. Simmons's mother, as must be sixty if she's 
a day. 



10 

It give me a dreadful turn when I see that doctor 
a-ramming of drum-sticks, as I should call 'em, down 
Mrs. Simmons's throat, and am certain as would have 
choked me as couldn't even bear a herring-bone as 
was near my death. But it did wonders, for, law ! 
she spoke quite clear. So I says, "If ever my 
throat is bad he's the man as I'll go to, and that 
liberal as wouldn't take her money," and away we 
goes. 

So we walks on slow, for I says, " Mrs. Simmons, 
mum," I says, " Cabs is cabs, and runs into money; 1 ' 
so I says, " I don't see why a omblibus shouldn't do." 
So she was agreeable, and we wanders on, and took 
a bun, as is choking work if it hadn't been for a glass 
of ale, and I must say them West-end streets is wide 
and shady ; and when we come near Charing-cross I 
see parties going up some steps, so I says to the 
policeman, "Whatever is a-going on here ?" " Oh," 
he says, "it's the RoyarCademy!" "Oh," I says, 
indeed! What, where," I says, "the young princes 
goes to school, I presumes ? " Well, he seemed to 
smile, and says, "No, as it were allpicters." "What!" 
I says, "Royal picters?" "Yes," says he. "Oh, 
indeed! " I says. "Well," I says, "can any one go 
in ?" "Yes," he says, " any one as pays a shilling." 
"Well," I says, "that ain't much for to see the 
Royal picters, as must be awful grand." 

So Mrs. Simmons and me agrees to go up, and 
there was sentries a-standing guard, so we pays the 
money and goes in ; not as I held with my umbrella 
being took away, and there's more stairs outside 
and in than I cares for; but certainly the picters 
was lovely with their gold frames a-gleaming, as the 
saying is. "Why," I says, "they must be worth 
millions. No doubt that's the reason they has soldiers 
to guard them." Mrs. Simmons she bought a book 
all about 'em as she would have read to me, only 



II 

parties kep' a-shoving* and a-driving, and me not 
having my glasses couldn't read for myself. 

I suppose as there ain't no one but ladies and 
gentlemen as goes to them picters, but of all the 
shoving and driving sets as ever I came a-near they 
beat 'em. I says, "Wherever are you a-coming 
to ?" " We wants to see the Royal picters," says a 
young gal. " So do I," I says, " so wherever is the 
use of driving any one in the back like that ?" and 
certainly that Royal picter was lovely, for all the 
world exactly like the waxwork as I see at the 
Baker's bazaar, as is reg'lar life all but breathing. 
Well, this " Royal Marriage " is very near as hand- 
some, tho' it don't look so grand thro' being small. 

Mrs. Simmons says to me, "In my opinion the 
Queen didn't ought to have gone like that." I says, 
"Wherever is the Queen?" "Why," says she, "the 
widow lady up in the window." "Go along," I says, 
"why she ain't got no crown on." " No," she says, 
"that's her way, she always is in weeds." "Ah!" I 
says, " some does go on like that. I'm sure if any- 
thing was to happen to Brown, weeds would be my 
constant potion ; not as I holds with weeds at a wed- 
ding; that's the reason, p'raps, as she have put on 
that bit of blue for to take off the black." 

" Oh," says a young chap as was a-standing there, 
"that's the garter." I says, "Young man," I says, 
" however dare you mention such a thing afore ladies. 
You did ought to be ashamed of yourself." But he 
only giggled like a jackass, as I see he was. 

Well, I was a-standing looking at a picter, tho' 
Fd seen one just like it all but the colours afore in the 
Lustrous Penny Paper as we takes in. I says to Mrs. 
Simmons, "Did ever you see such 'eaps of parsons? 
One would think it was a misshnery meetin'." I says, 
"They can't have much to do." Well, a stout party 
as was standing near says to one of them very par- 



12 

sons, "As she couldn't see nothing-, cos of this fat 
old woman as has been sticking- here all the morning." 
I says, " Who are you a calling- fat ? I'm sure you'd 
better look at homo for fat." So the parson he says, 
"My good woman, don't be offensive." I says, 
" Offensive," I says, " I scorns your words ;" and I 
says, " As to sticking-, I shall stick here as long- as I 
please ; and I think if you was at home a-preaching* 
of your sermons you'd be better employed than 
a-idling- away your time here." I says, " Offensive ! 
if you come to that you're none so agreeable," and I 
walks off in a huff. 

"Well," I says, "Mrs. Simmons, I don't think 
much of these picters ; give me wax- work as is more 
natural." She says, "Oh, I wants to see the Prince 
of Wales !" So we goes to where he was a-'anging, 
and I never did — not a bit like the beautiful young 
gentleman in the velvet and whiskers as was being 
married, but a poor sick thing, as I says to Mrs. 
Simmons, "If he was a child of mine, asses' milk 
would be the word with me." 

Then there w r as horses and dogs all over the place, 
and picters of ladies and gentlemen as wore frill and 
velvets, with their boots a-shining like anything, and 
there was bishops as looked as tho' in pain, pertikler 
one as they call the Bishop of London, as will be 
apoplexy very shortly if he will wear that stock, and 
there was another bishop as I took for a lady, thro' 
having of a red gownd and no crinoline, with clean 
muslin sleeves. And we met a lady as was very 
friendly, and knowd all about the picters and them as 
painted 'em. I says, " It's very tiring," I says, " to 
the eye to have to look up. Why ever do they hang 
'em up there ?" " Oh," she says, "them picters isn't 
'Cademicians." "Oh," I says, "I suppose done by 
the day boys?" She only laughs and says as "There 
is many as tries all their lives to get hung and can't." 



13 

I says, "You may well say that; but/' I says, "they 
hardly ever hangs any-one now-a-days." 

Well, we sat down, we talked quite pleasant, for 
my feet was that shooting like jobbing daggers, and 
I really felt quite of a whirl, and was that sorry as I 
hadn't no refreshments with me, for picters is dry 
work, and then Mrs. Simmons got in a fidget to be 
getting home, so we hadn't time for to study them 
like, but see one as give me quite a turn. Mrs. 
Simmons said as it was a sacred one, but I should say it 
was the old gentleman with a pair of yellow horns 
a-branching out each side ; so I was a-pointing 'em 
out to Mrs. Simmons when up come a Jack-in-office 
of a policeman and says, " If I see you do it again 
you'll have to step it." "Step what?" I says. 
"Why," says he, "I've been a-watching you a- 
poking and a-pointing all the way round the room." 

Well, just then a lady hollers out, "Oh, I'm 
robbed !" It give me such a turn. She says, " My 
portmoney is gone, and this old woman's been a-fol- 
lowing me everywhere." 

I thought I should have dropped, for the policeman 
takes hold of me, and poor Mrs. Simmons she was 
ready to faint, and there was such confusion, and 
they was a-talking- of searching me, and I don't 
know what, when all of a sudden the party as said 
she was robbed hollers out, "No, I've got it." 
"Well," I says, "you did ought to be ashamed of 
yourself," I says; "I won't stop in such a den of 
wagabones. It's my opinion as you looks more like 
a thief than a horse yourself, mum," and so I bounced 
out of the place, and, bless ye, if I hadn't been and 
dropped the ticket for my umbrella, and they 
wouldn't give it me, as in my opinion is all part of 
their swindling ways ; and when we got out we was 
both that, faint as we couldn't move a step, so was 
compelled to have a cab home, and all I've got to 



14 

say, it's my belief as that 'Cademy is a humbug- 
altogether, and Fm sure they don't learn no manners 
there; and as to their picters, I'd rather see 'em quiet 
in the lustrous papers as I can enjoy in my own 
house. 



*~ Ni!ff^ ~ 



No. 2. 




(HE Derby, indeed! I should like to catch 
myself-a-going. None of your races for me, 
Mr. Brown, as is things as has brought more 
parties to ruin than perhaps drink itself, as will un- 
dermind the pocket and bring sorrow to the heart. 
I ain't a-going to race. It's all very well to talk about 
Mr. Heafey's cart, but I knows what that is capable 
on, that time as we did go. Certainly the weather 
was lovely, and me a-panting for the green fields, so 
I give way. 

So Brown says, "Go or stop as you likes, but 
Fm off, and there's a seat in the cart for you." I says, 
" Brown, if you think as Fm a-going to make a third 
on the front seat of that cart you're mistaken, for Fm 
sure, let alone being scrouged up, Mr. Heafey's elber 
in my side constant I can't stand," thro' him being 
that wiolent with that horse, and a-jerking at his 
mouth, and was enough to rinse his head off, so I 
says, " No, thank you." " Well," says Brown, " then 
have a chair behind, where there's room, and ample, 
for four." 

Certainly the day was what I call a lowery day, 
and I said as there'd be rain afore long, thro' the new 
moon-a-comin' up very much on her back, and my 
feet being that throbby as made me jump agin, and 
I was up that early as made me feel tired afore we 
started. And touch a bit with my breakfast I could' nt 
was it ever so, and Brown was that aggravatin' and 



i6 

saying- as I was dressed too hot, but I says, " I'm sure, 
Brown, a-settin about in the open air all day is apt 
for to stagnate the blood, as will take a chill sudden/' 

Mrs. Heafey, she's quite the lady, tho' thro' being 
his second, don't get on with his daughter by the first, 
as is older by two years, and as plain a gal as ever 
you set eyes on, but dressed out in a clear musling, as 
showed her black boots, as looked bad ; and then 
there was little Charley, as certainly Mrs. Heafey do 
make a fool on, thro' him bein' the only one, and 
sickly from his birth ; and there was Mrs. Heafey's 
mother, as is a party I can't abear, thro' havin' seen 
her in liquor myself; and then there was Brown and 
me, seven in all, and I'm sure the way as that cart 
tilted up when Mrs. Jarvis, as is Mrs. Heafey's mother, 
got in behind nearly pitched me backwards, and I was 
that aggravated with Brown, as keep a-callin' of us 
ballast. And when we started, the way as the sharfs 
stuck out in front of that horse's head like horns was 
singler, but certainly he looked beautiful, thro' being 
dressed out lovely with lay locks and laburniums, and 
seemed quite proud on it, a-tossing of it up like a 
fellow-creature ; and certainly a very pleasant drive 
we had, I must say ; not as I was over comfortable, 
thro" the basket of provisions being crammed in so as 
I couldn't move my feet, and a large stone bottle of 
beer a-crowding up the bottom of the cart, and that 
boy Charley a -keeping* a climbing all over the cart, 
as I expected under the wheel at every turn. 

Well, if it hadn't been for the dust as was clouds, 
I should have liked to have looked about me, and was 
thankful for a glass of ale now and then as we took, 
and it was very pleasant but for words atween Brown 
and Mr. Heafey about the road, as got thicker and 
thicker at every turn as we took ; and I never did — 
sich elegance, the carriages with ladies dressed that 
lovely as made you quite think as they must be 



*7 

duchesses at least ; and the post boys with silk jackets 
and ribbins, and the gentlemen in their wails as looked 
very effemeral, and the driving- and the hooting- ; but 
whatever they kep a-shooting- peas at me for I can't 
think, tho' I'm sure some gentlemen outside of a four- 
horse coach was werry polite, and says, " Ow are 
you, Mrs. Brown ? " and I certainly was very nigh 
stifled with heat and dust, and when the sun come out 
I thought I should have died. When all of a sudden 
we stopped thro' a sudden jerk as pitched me nearly 
out of the cart, and then found as we was there, and 
glad I was to get out of that cart, tho' my limbs that 
cramped as down I goes thro' Brown a-jumping me 
out sudden, and I says, " Brown, I never shall get up 
no more unless I has a something for to take," as 
certainly brought me round. 

But law, the dust, I never was in such a state, and 
I was downright sick of hearing them Heafeys a- 
wrangling, so I walks myself off along with the child. 
Brown, he hollars out ; and he says, " Don't you miss 
us." I says, " Brown, I wasn't born yesterday," and 
off I goes, and we walks along- and kep' seein' the 
company arrive. 

Well, we was a-walking along, and fellows kep' 
a-offering of me cards, and wanted me to have a shy, 
and a brazen creatur begun a-telling of my fortune 
along of the side of a carriage where there was a 
lot of grinning fellows, and the next carnage was 
full of parties, as of course was ladies, but I must 
say as they was too free in their ways for me ; so 
after we'd walked about ever so long thro' feeling 
tired, I says, " Charley," I says, "we'll go back." He 
says, " Do," and we was walking along, when all of 
a sudden I got a crack of the side of my head as 
made me hollar, and down I goes like a shot. It w r as 
one of them fools as was a-shying at pincushions 
and things as had missed his aim and struck me. I 



i8 

says, "You villain, I'll have the law on you. Police!" 
I says, and if they didn't all laugh. Well, we kep' 
a-walking and a-walking, and I couldn't see nothin' 
of the cart, tho' I knowed the spot where I'd left it ; 
so at last we gets out of the scrouge into a open place 
where there wasn't nobody a-walking, and was look- 
ing at a place where crouds was a-setting- one above 
the other. I says, "I wonder who they can be," 
when all of a sudden a chap comes a-ridin' up and 
says, " Get off the course, will you ? " "No," I says, 
" I won't. I'm a-looking for Mr. Heafey's cart as is 
close at hand, and I shan't go till I finds it." 

He says, " You must go. Here ! " he says, and 
out rushes two policemen like tigers on me. Little 
Charley began a-screaming, people was a-hollering 
and a-hooting, the police catches 'old of me by the 
arms, and if they didn't run me along with them till 
my breath was gone and my legs a-failin', and 
ketches my foot in something, and down we all went 
with that shock as half stunned me, and when I 
come to, parties was a-standin' round, and give me 
water as I wouldn't touch thro' fear of a chill, and 
Charley a-screamin' for his "Ma," and one lady says 
to me, " Mum, it's a mercy as you're here ; for," she 
says, " if them police harn't saved you, you'd a-been 
run down." Well, I'd lost my redicule, and hadn't no 
change to get nothin' for to pacify Charley, as would 
keep on a-'owling awful, till I loses all patience, and 
gives him a good shake, and heard Mrs. Heafey 
hollar out, " You please to let my child alone, you old 
wixen ! " and there we was close agin the cart. So I 
says, "Mum," I says, "he did ought to be taught 
better." 

I was put out, for Brown began a -blowing me up 
and said as theyd waited for me ever so long ; and 
if they hadn't been and had the wittles and messed 
everything about I I'm sure the meat-pie as I'd made 



19 

looked as if dogs had been at it. I couldn't a -touched 
it, so I hadn't nothing- but a bit of bread and cheese 
and a drop of beer as was flat as ditch-water, and 
was that hurt with Mrs. Heafey, as I went and set 
down on the ground, and certainly Brown did bring 
me a little cold without when he come, and said he 
was going. 

So I gets into that cart with a heavy heart, and we 
was just a-driving off when I got a blow in the back 
as took my breath away, and if it wasn't parties in 
coaches as was a-pelting with oranges as come as 
thick as hail a-smashing all over me. I felt that 
faint, that if I hadn't had a something in my redicule 
as I kep' for a-takin' to support me ; and Mrs. Jarvis, 
she was snoring- all the way, and was took ill quite 
sudden, and said it was the cart ; but I says, " Mum," 
I says, " its other things on the top of the cart ; " but 
just then I took that faint myself, and down come the 
rain in torrents, and crowds a-'owling and hitting at 
one all the way from Clapham, and I remember r/ 
more till I was in bed in the morning, and Brown say** 
to me, jeering, " I say, old gal, beer and sperrits 
won't mix." 

I says, " Brown," I says, " that air was too bracing 
for me to take-to sudden, and that's what disagreed 
with me." He only says, " Walker ! " So I says, 
" Never will I go so far out in one day and back 
again so long as my name's Brown, for them sudden 
changes don't suit me." 



No. 3. 

& %tttei torn a MVlnabxi %vtb%. 



[It would be absurd to pretend ignorance of the 
writer of the following- epistle. We have searched 
the police reports to find the grievance which calls 
forth Mrs. Brown's indignation, and will briefly 
epitomize the case. An application was made a 
week ago to the sitting magistrate at Lambeth by 
a gentleman, who complained that his mother had 
been removed from her house in a cab by three 
females, members of Mr. Spurgeon s congregation, 
and that he had been refused admittance when 
applying to see her at the house to which she 
had been taken. On one of the summoning officers 
being sent v/ith the applicant, it appeared that the 
poor lady who was a lunatic, was in the care of 
her daughter, who denied that any improper force 
had been used in the removal. We quote the 
portion of the report which appears to have given 
offence to our correspondent : — 

"Mrs. Mackentire, on the contrary, said that she (the invalid 
lady) had been hurried and carried along when, from her own 
expressions, she had no desire or wish to part from her son. 

"Mrs. Brown, who was one of the three females who removed 
Mrs. Hinckley, denied the statement of the preceding witness. ,, 

With this brief introduction we leave Mrs. Brown 
to speak for herself. — Ed.] 

TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. 

I IR, — Bern' informed as yours is a orgin as is 
open to the wrongs of women, as mine would 
fill volumes, as the saying is, I wants to ask 
whatever I've done for to deserve it, as give me that 




21 

turn when Mrs. Challin showed it me in the paper, as 
made me legs tremble under me ; and no wonder, for 
if there's a thing- as I've set my face agin it's anything 
like kidnapping, thro' knowing what it is, when our 
Joe was lost a whole day thro' follering a berrying, 
and was thought to be 'ticed away artful, and me only 
just down-stairs thro' Charlotte, as never was the 
child to thrive arter, and taken off her legs with the 
least thing, and cutting her teeth cross, as caused that 
squint as she'll carry to the grave, tho' the mother 
of three herself. Well, as I was a-sayin', when 
Mrs. Challin borrowed the paper at the " Catherine 
Wheel/ 7 drop I thought I must. "Me kidnap a 
lunatic?" says I. "Why, if there is a thing as I 
wouldn't have at a gift is one of the poor deluded 
maniacs, as I never shall forget the one as got away 
from the 'sylum, and run seventeen miles in his night- 
clothes thro' the turnpike-gates, as was closed agin him, 
took refuge up a chimbly, and very near frightened a 
old lady to death as was lighting of the fire, thro' 
lodgers a-comin' in unexpected. And then to say as I 
used wiolence, as would walk out of my way for a 
worm in my path, and don't hold with using of force 
where arguments did ought to be, tho' I have knowed 
them as you was forced to set on their legs a-gnashing 
of their teeth, tho' only historical, as a jug of cold water 
will often do wonders ; and as to pushing of her down 
the passag-e, I never set eyes on her or ever heard tell 
on her, nor them females, as in my opinion did ought 
to be ashamed of theirselves, for it did put me out 
that dreadful. The idea of mixing me up along* with 
females as frequents Mr. Spurgin's, a party as I don't 
hold in with in the least, as I never see but once at the 
Baptist meeting, where I was took unbeknown, and 
must say as he made that free with ser'ous matters as 
I shouldn't care to set under, thro' bein' one as is 
always a-looking up to the pulpit myself, and have 



22 

heard beautiful discourses in my times, tho' none of 
your dippins for me, as give me that turn when I see 
them a-doing it as was obliged to leave the chapel 
sudden, and the scrougin' and shovin' was downright 
disgraceful at the door, and my pockets turned inside 
out, as isn't goins-on for a Sunday in my opinion. So 
will trouble you for to set me right, though my good 
gentleman did laugh when I said as I'd have the law 
on 'em as had took away my character ; and however 
that magistracy could set there and hear such things 
agin a quiet woman as has had her troubles, goodness 
knows. Not as I don't say as he was right in sending 
of her to Bedlam on the quiet, as is in my opinion the 
best place for them as is so inflicted, tho' I have heard 
my dear mother say as well she remembered it up in 
Moorfields, as is now changed into the Catholics, where 
screams was awful and groans untold, thro' chains and 
whips, as is now done away. What I wants to know 
is why a party should make free with my name, as is 
well known, and can hold up my head with the best ; 
and let them as can say anything agin me speak out 
and do their best, as is every one's duty; and as to 
being a female, if I'd a husband with the sperrits 
of a mouse he'd soon make 'em prove their words; 
but, lor bless you, there he sets a-smoking away at his 
pipe, and a-smiling till I was that put out that I says, 
" I do believe as you wouldn't care if I was pinted at 
as I goes thro' the street ; but," I says, " I knows as 
there is punishments for parties as says them things; " 
for well I remember, tho' quite a girl, what appeared 
in our street, and can see her now, tho' lifted up by 
my own father, a-standing at the church-door, in 
white, with a candle in her hand, as is the law; for 
whatever can you do for to protect your own charac- 
ter, a thing as is easy lost, if it wasn't as you could 
punish them as makes too free. But as to my husband's 
interfering it ain't to be looked to. So I says to 



23 

Mrs. Challin, " If only our Joe would step in, as is 
a wonderful scholard, p'raps he'd do it for me." 
I But," says she, " Mrs. Brown, mum, as you've been 
wronged, why not write, as," she says, " no one ain't 
more capable; and certainly I did have plenty of 
schoolin' out of my father's pocket, with a sampler as 
I've got framed up-stairs, as shows marking as would 
puzzle me now; but lor, if he was to know it I never 
should hear the last on it, as said when I was a-com- 
plainin', in the cold-bloodedest way, "Whatever 
does it matter what they says about you ? " I says, 
If you can lay down on your bed happy, a-thinking 
as you've had a wiper a-festering in your bosim all 
these 'ears, I'm not that party as can bear such 
amputations, and would rather be took a-smiling to 
the gallers, with a clear conscience, than a countess in 
her carriage with a spangled repitition as may hold 
themselves that 'igh, little dreamin' as them as they 
looks down on as minerals is their betters, and 
wouldn't bring a blush, tho' they may brazen it out, as 
well I knows thro' my own aunt being cook and house- 
keeper in a titled family, as the lady said to her, 
" Mrs. Walker," says she, " that female will never 
darken my doors," as will try it on and are to be met 
with in the highest spears ; and for me, after all these 
'ears, to come to be in print as a female, a thing as 
no one ever dared even to breathe about me ! So, if 
you can help me, I humbly trust as you will; and as to 
Mr. Spurgin he's the last of my thoughts, and why 
ever them young' people couldn't keep their troubles to 
theirselves puzzles me, for I'm sure them quarrels in 
families reflects no credit, and had better be kept 
within their own bosoms ; but if you can only pint out 
who it was as said it, which is what I want to get at, 
I'll precious soon put the saddle on the right horse, 
and would have gone myself and spoke up, magistracy 
and all but them newspapers is no good, for they 



24 

never tells you nothin' till it's over, for when I did go 
up to that police they only laughed and said it was 
clean forgot, and the parties gone they didn't know 
where, except the poor lady as was out of her mind, 
as it wouldn't be right to trouble about sich a thing, 
tho' I have knowed them that rational as might be 
able to indemnify as I wasn't the party illuded to by 
the police, as would swear anything' as they was 
ordered, thro' considering their duty, as is not to be 
envied, but did ought to be taught for to respect any 
one. As I don't wish my good gentleman to know as 
I've rote I don't put my name, tho' you will know me 
as a party as you've heered on by the enclosed card ; 
not as I do no washing now, thro' being retired and 
livin' comfortable. 



No. 4. 

10. ^xotext at i\t (%er& 




j AS ever you at the Italian Opera, Mrs. 
Brown?" says Mrs. Walters to me last 
week, as I was a-drinking tea along- with 
her, as has a genteel apartment just close by the 
Middlesex 'Ospital, thro' being- in the straw-bonnet 
line, as isn't what it were, when I've give a guinea 
for a Dunstable, as was all the fashion, out of my 
own pocket, as would turn to the last, and then dye 
equal to new. 

So I says, " No, mum," I says, " I never were, tho' 
Fve heerd tell on it often and often, thro' my dear 
mother's own sister, as had a husband a fireman there 
night and day, and I know well as she's often heerd 
them Italians a-doing their music beautiful thro' him. 
Not as all Italian means music, for I'm sure there's 
Mr. Jennings, as keeps the Italian warehouse next 
door but one to where we used to lodge, there 
wasn't much music in his hollaring at his 'prentice in 
langwidge as was downright low-lived, that it was ; 
and as to Italians, I don't hold with their ways, as 
I'm sure had something of a hand in my silver tea- 
spoons, as was took, I may say, under my very nose, 
while they was a-playing of their bagpipes and 
a-dancing like maniacs broke loose all over the place, 
but certainly they must be fond on it, as I should 
say." 

" Oh, yes," says Mrs. Walters, " it's well known 
as they is, and Fve heard 'em myself and often." 



26 

"So have I," says I, "and late o' nights, too, 
a -playing on their orgins thro' the pouring- rain, as 
nobody wasn't a-listening to, so must have a-been 
a-doing it for their own amusements/' 

"Well," says Mrs. Walters, "would you like for 
to go and hear the Italian Opera ?" "Won't it be 
late?" I says. "Oh, no/' says she, "we can come 
away whenever we likes, thro' me a-having of a 
friend as can get us in, and it's close by, not three 
streets off" 

" Well," I says, " Brown can't be here to fetch me 
till ten at the earliest, and it may be half-past ; but," 
I says, " no scrouging and pushing, Mrs. Walters, if 
you please." "Oh, dear, no," says she. "I'm glad 
of that," says I, "for I'm not one for no crowds, as 
is a deal too free in their ways for me." 

So when tea was over, and me being refreshed, as 
is a meal as will do it when beef and mutton won't, 
Mrs. Walters says, " There's plenty of time, and we 
won't have no hurry-skurry." I says, " Not if I knows 
it ; for," I says, " I'm warm clothed, and the least thing 
would throw me into that violent glow as taking of a 
sudden chill on might be the death on me ;" for thro' 
the weather a-looking lowery, and being far from 
settled, and never knowing how to dress, I'd took 
precautions in my Saxony cloth, as look equal to 
French merino, a black velvet bonnet, and my 
Angola shawl. I was warm, not to say hot. So we 
was a-chatting friendly over a little drop warm, thro' 
being old friends, as lived oncet in a family in the 
Regency Park, as she married from. I says, " Mrs. 
Walters, mum, what is the name of this here Italian 
Opera as we're a-goin' to?" " The Prince of Wales's 
Theatre," says she. "Oh, indeed," I says, "I'm 
sure I hope they don't go on there as they do at his 
ma's." "Well," she says, "it was the Queen's 
oncet." * " Oh, really," I says. " Yes," says she ; 



27 

" but thro' her 'eavy inflictions she's give it up to the 
Prince of Wales, along* with all the other grand 
things as she don't take no pleasure in now ; as I can 
feel for her, for when I buried Walters it seemed as 
tho' all was took." 

"Ah," I says, "poor thing ! she takes on dreadful, 
Fm told, as is nat'ral. I often thinks on her when I 
sees poor Mrs. Giddings, as lives at the back of me, as 
was left with nine straggling infants, with nothin' to 
cling to but the mangle, as is dragging her into the 
grave ; and lost two families thro 7 taking on and not 
going for the work reg'lar." 

Says Mrs. Walters, "Why, there goes eight. 
Bless * my heart! how we have been a-cha tiering." 
So as we had our things on we started off, rather too 
sharp for me, but soon got there, as is a elegant 
place, and ladies a-goin' in dressed like ball-rooms, 
as we had to stop till they was in, and was then 
showed up two pair of stairs quite genteel, and real 
gentlemen a-standin' about, as was that polite to Mrs. 
Walters as makes me say, " Well, to be sure, it's 
fine to be you," as certainly has a noble way with 
her, thro' being used to quality in working for West- 
end 'ouses. 

So we got comfortable seats, tho' there was 
more light than I cared for, thro' having eyes 
as is easily infected ; but certainly it was lovely — I 
never see, and the music a-playin', and a sweet pretty 
picter to look at, and all the ladies and gentlemen 
down below as looked like a flower-g-arden, and some 
on 'em a-looking out of windows, leastways they was 
like windows in having- of curtains but no glass. I 
says, " Are they the singers ?" Mrs. Walters says, 
" No— the boxes." "Oh," I says, " indeed." What- 
ever she meant by boxes I can't think, for just then 
they pulls up the picter and showed another as was 
beautiful, the snow a-laying deep, as made it feel 



28 

quite cool and refreshing- where we was, but must be 
cold for them as lives there. 

So I asks Mrs. Walters, "Wherever is it ?" She 
says, " Over there." I says, " Indeed, 5 ' I says ; " I 
hopes not among the Hottenpots, as didn't ought to 
be showed, as I oncet see a Wenus myself of that 
persuasion as was a sight for quantity ; " but just as I 
was a-asking, in come a lot of young gals a-dancing 
like mad, as their shoes was noisy, but p'raps they 
did it for to keep theirselves warm, tho' I must say as 
all the ladies didn't seem to mind the cold a bit in 
low necks and short sleeves, and it's well it's no 
worse, for some of them foreigners don't wear nothing 
at all, as I've heerd my own godfather say as is 
their ways over there. I couldn't exactly make out 
what it was all about, no more couldn't Mrs. 
Walters, as the heat makes sleepy; but of course, 
thro' its being Italian, wasn't to be looked for. Cer- 
tainly I never did see nicer-looking young gentlemen, 
and dressed for all the world like Cheyney orna- 
ments — dears, they was. I wanted to ask Mrs. 
Walters about them, but whenever I opened my 
mouth parties hished and hushed dreadful. 

Well, one young gentlemen with lovely hair in 
particular took my fancy, as spoke out reg'lar Eng- 
lish, and made parties as didn't know theirselves 
keep busting out a-laughing. I wonder as the young 
gentleman wasn't hurt; but no, he kep' on a-smiling 
quite pleasant; and then there come in a young 
lady — I won't say a fine gal, but certainly a fine 
ooman, with a 'ead of 'air as was wonderful. Well, 
when she come forard I'm blest if they didn't clap 
their hands and roar with laughter. I'm sure if it 
had been me I should have got my temper up, and I 
wonder it didn't hern, for them foreigners is "ot-tem- 
pered and up in a minit, as I've often heerd them say 
as has been in them parts; indeed, my own aunt 



29 

thro' marriage, as never could a-bear the foreigners, 
thro' having a niece of hern eat by them, as emigrated 
to South Wales, thro' living in a missionary family, as 
was all eat down to the baby in the cradle, as 
couldn't have done nothing to provoke their appetites, 
being that tender, as is nat'ral. 

Well, they all got a-dancing and a-singing, as is 
the ways with them foreigners, and a party come in 
black, as had a muff on his head, and looked that 
solemn as I should say he'd known sorrers ; and then 
there was more singin' and dancin', and one young 
fellow he jumped enough for to bring the place down, 
as was a 'eavenly dancer. But, 'pon my word, my 
head got a-aching thro' people a-laug-hing like mad 
all about; so I says to Mrs. Walters, "Whatever is 
there to laugh at ? " I says. " I can't hear a w r ord for 
them," for with my velvet bonnet I'm rather hard of 
hearing. So I says to a young chap as was a-setting 
next me, " I wish as you wouldn't keep a-shouting out 
in my ear. Whatever is there to laugh at ? I can't 
see nothing to keep a -yelling like that ; " for, indeed, 
the place looked solemn thro' being of a bedroom, 
leastways I should say a shake-down for a make- 
shift; and there was the solemn gent a-goin' to bed, 
when if that fine gal as we'd seen afore didn't come 
in thro' the winder ! 

"Well," I says, "I never see such boldness in my 
born days." I says, "Mrs. Walters, mum, if it don't 
make no difference to you, p'raps you wouldn't mind 
a-coming 'ome; for," I says, "it's all very well for 
Royal families to go on like this," I says, "but I 
should say as it didn't ought to be allowed. I'm sure 
as no Queen as is a lady wouldn't have such goin's- 
on under her nose." 

So people begins to hollar from behind, "Set 
down!" "I shan't," I says; "I'm a-going." Just 
then a young fellow reaches over and fetched me such 



30 

a bonneter, as the saying is, that if Mrs. Walters 
hadn't have ketched me I should have pitched over. 
T ups with my umbrella for to give him one back, 
when it missed, and came down on a old gentleman's 
bald head as was setting by. " What do you mean 
by that?" says he. " I didn't go to do it," says I. 
"Come out!" says Mrs. Walters, "you're a out- 
raging decency." 

"What," I says, "Anna Maria Walters, you turn 
agin me ? " I says ; and I was that 'urt as I busted 
into tears. I says, " You've been and sent a harrow 
thro' me as will kindle in my bussim to the last." 
Well, parties hollared so, and Mrs. Walters she 
forces me into my seat, where I was a-sobbing fit to 
break my heart, and didn't take no notice of nothing 
till after a deal more singing and dancing they 
dropped a large dark thing. 

"Well," I says, "Mrs. Walters, mum, if you please, 
let me go home." So we was a-going out when the 
young chap as was close by he bust out a -laughing, 
and says to another hidjeot, " I'm blest if that old gal 
ain't took it all in earnest." I saywS, " You did ought 
to be ashamed of yourselves a-grinning there." I 
says, " If I was your mother Id keep you at home ; 
for," I says, " you ain't fit company for the Prince of 
Wales, you ain't." But they only grinned the more, 
and I comes out with Mrs. Walters, as says, "What- 
ever made you go on like that ? I think you must 
have been a-dreaming." 

"Well," I says, "Mrs. Walters, I don't want no 
words with you," I says. " Not as I calls it friendly 
in you to have took up agin me ; but," I says, " cer- 
tainly that opera was uncommon lovely ; and no won- 
der as princes is took with such a lovely gal as that ; 
but why ever she should come a-walking about into 
people's rooms like that puzzles me." 

" Oh," says she, " she's a snambler." " A what ? " 



3i 

says I. " Why, one as walks in her sleep." I says, 
"Oh, indeed; why didn't you mention it? Well, 
then/' I says, " I'd cure her quick, as is easy done, 
thro' a-sewing their bedg'owns to the ticking, tying of 
their legs, or even a thorough draught took sudden ; 
but," I says, " in my opinion, them operas ain't much 
better than plays, and I don't hold with them ; " and 
we was home afore Brown come, and I never said 
a word to him, for he's reglar play-mad, and if he 
was to know as I'd been even to the opera he'd be 
always wanting to drag me about to theayters, as don't 
suit my complaint, so I don't go. 




No. 4. 

*»♦ irrtbra f win t\z SSbt ©un- 




says to Mrs. Probit, I says, "If she was a 
child of mine I'd have it looked to; for," I 
says, " turned twelve, and no taller than that, 
don't prove strength." 

So says she to me, " I don't never expect to rear 
her, for she says the 'art is on the wrong side." 

I says, " Oh, indeed ! " tho' for my part I don't be- 
lieve she's got no 'art at all, as is a limb, and I knowed 
very well as it was pigeon-breasted as the gal was, 
and as crooked as a ram's horn, likewise in temper, 
tho' parents don't see that clear as lookers-on. 

"Well," says she, "wherever had I better take 
her?" 

I says, " There is one party where I've been with 
to a doctor as did wonders with the throat, and why 
not the chest, as is only a little lower down, and all 
about the same regents, as I heerd the doctor say 
myself." 

Then she says, " We'll go to-morrow." 

"No," I says, "never!" 

" Why not ? " says she. 

" Go of a Friday ? I won't." 

"Well," says she, "right you are, for I've know'd 
troubles thro' a-doing things of Fridays, for if that 
very gal warn't born on a Friday, now you mention 
it." 

I says, " That's where it is, you see." 



33 

"Well/' says she, "Saturday is a ill-conwenient day 
for being out, and Monday ain't no better." 

I says, " Well, say Tuesday, as don't seem no day, 
leastways it's a day as I don't look to." 

"Then/' says she, "Tuesday we'll go." 

I says, " I'm agreeable." 

If ever there was a toaster of a day it was that 
Tuesday — sweltering I may say. 

We started in very good time; me dressed that 
cool, for I couldn't hardly bear myself; but the way 
as Mrs. Probit had dressed that gal was downright 
suffocation, with a fur round her throat and under- 
clothes quite wintry. 

Well, we had a cab, for Probit is well-to-do, and 
a steady man, as keeps to his home, and that doating 
of his children that if they could eat gold they might 
have it, as is what fathers should be. Mrs. Probit is 
certainly a fine woman, but too much on her for the 
same side of a cab with me, as would have set on 
the back seat willing only thro' it being that narrow 
as throwed me too forward. 

Well, Matilda Jane she was rather in the sulks, 
tho' too much indulged by her ma. I says, "Mrs. 
Probit, in my opinion them cherries as she's a-eating 
is too many." But, law bless you, you might as well 
hope to get butter out of a dog's throat as anything 
eatables from them young Probits. 

Her ma she got a-coaxing of her for not to eat 'em, 
as only begun for to pout and whine and make faces 
at me. I didn't say another word, tho' conscious as 
Matilda Jane kep' a-shuving me a-purpose, tho' pre- 
tendin' it was the cab as made her leg swing, and 
jest ketched me in the shin-bone thro' her a-settin' in 
the middle opposite to her ma and me. 

Well, we got to the doctor's, and had to wait that 
long thro' crowds a-bein' waitin' to see him. Some 
on 'em looked bad, but there was them there as had 



34 

nothing* but fancies I could see. When the doctor did 
see us he very soon settled Matilda Jane, as was that 
pouty as he couldn't make much on her, tho' he took 
a deal of pains over her, to be sure, a -listening at her 
chest and back with a strerryscope, as seemed to do 
her good, for she breathed more free. 

When we come out, Mrs. Probit she says, "I'm 
tired of sitting, let's 'ave a bit of a walk." So as Ma- 
tilda Jane had been promised for to see the Queen's 
palis and all that, if she'd come to the doctor, we 
walked along-. 

Mrs. Probit she knows the West-end well, thro' 
being- formerly a parlour-maid, near Brunswick- 
square. But of all the worreting- gals it's that Ma- 
tilda Jane. First one thing, then another, till you're 
nearly mad. We walks "to Regency-street, where 
we was in time for to see the soldiers, as goes up and 
down twice a day in troops for to keep order, as is 
certainly needed thro' the crowds. Them soldiers is 
very grand, and them dear black osses, as they say 
is as sensible as Christians, tho' I must say as them 
steel coats must be warm wear. 

The shops in Regency-street is wonderful. Wher- 
ever they gets the things from and whatever they do 
with 'em I can't think. Well, we was a-walking up 
slow the shady side quite agreeable, when Matilda 
Jane see a-something across the road, so we had for 
. to cross, and if it hadn't been for the dark party as 
was sweeping a 'crossing I never should have got 
across, and jest as I was a hesitatin' on the kerb one 
of them water-carts come by as pulled the string 
malicious and regular deluged me. 

Well, I give a run for it, and the pole of a 'bus 
only jest cleared me, a-sencling- me so close to a dust- j 
cart, as that frightened me as I run smack into a 
doorway for me to recover a bit, and I was a-talkin 
to Mrs. Probit and a gentleman come up. 



35 

" You must be Mrs. Brown/' says he. 

" I am that same/' says I. 

"Then/' says he, "pray walk in and set down." 

Well, as he was quite polite, and you could see one 
as know'd a lady when seeing- of her, I did. 

He says, " The weather is warm." 

I says, " Uncommon." 

When I was a little come to, he asked me if I'd 
like for to see his picter. 

Certainly a picter he was, dressed beautiful, with 
that clean linen as was got up quite a pleasure to 
look at, as them West-end swells always is. But it 
wasn't his own picter, but of one of High Park, as 
was that full of figures it was downright dazzlin', 
Certainly I never did see a picter as was more life- 
like, parties a-riding about beautiful. There was a 
good many a-standing idle about, as is the way them 
West-enders wastes their time thro' havin' nothing to 
do. 

Well, we was a-lookin' at the picter when a party 
of ladies and gentlemen come in a-bouncing and says, 
" Very good — very like the Royal family." 

I says, " Where's the Royal family, Mrs. Probit ? " 

She says, " There, you can tell them through their 
red coats." 

So one of them bouncers he busts out a -laughing, 
as hurt my feelins, but I kep' a-lookin' at the picter, 
but Matilda Jane was that fidgets as I says, "Mrs. 
Probit, we'll go," which we did, a-thanking of that 
gentleman as 'ad took us in and bowed that polite, a- 
showin' of a forehead as is downright noble, and said 
he'd a-knowed me anywheres, as is surprisin'. 

So Mrs. Probit, as knows her way about, makes 
for the park, as was decided agreeable, thro' a 
findin 7 of a shady seat, and being provided with a 
basket as had refreshments, we eat 'em pleasant, and 
was able to get ginger-beer and curds and whey at 



36 

one of the gates ; not as I holds with them curds, as is 
'eavy to the stomach, but ginger-beer, with a some- 
think in it as we'd provided in a flask, was a drink as 
we took to. 

Well, we set and rested ever so long, and see a 
many as was a -riding and walking in them parks, 
jest for all the world like the picter with the Royal 
family left out, and we see one carriage go thro' full 
of ladies as was all feathers. 

" Why, if it ain't a drawin'-room," says Mrs. Pbobit. 

"A what?" says I. 

" A drawin'-room as is held by the Queen; lefs 
come and see it." 

I says, "I'm agreeable. But," I says, "we can't 
take the basket and things into the drawin'-room." 

She laughs and says, " Come along." So we gets 
into the streets agin, and certainly the carriages was 
a sight, and so was the parties in 'em ; I never see 
anything like it, never. The feathers, the diamons, 
and the gowns that size as they was a-eoming up all 
out of the carriages. 

Well, we walked along, and was able to see into 
the carriage-windows, as was a-waitin' all along the 
kerb thro' a-settin' down that slow, and certainly some 
of the young gals w r as nice looking and pretty, tho' 
many looked as if they was stripped for to give their 
necks a good wash. As was all very well for them 
as was young, tho' in my opinion looks bold, but, law, 
some of the old ones was downright disgraceful. I 
never did. 

I says, "Mrs. Probit, this old lady in the wig, 
as wants a little oil dreadful, will catch her death 
a-setting here undressed like this, they did ought 
to give her a shawl or a somethin'." I says, "I do 
believe as her things 'as slipt unawares. Why ever 
don't some one tell her on it as can't be sensible ? " 

Says Mrs. Probit, "That's their ways; for I've 



37 

know'd them do it night after night in draughts 
enough to cut you in two." 

" She did ought to be ashamed of herself, as must 
be a grandmother if she's a hour, a-settin' there in 
the open daylight exposed like that." 

We walked on all down the street as leads to the 
Palis, as is a dingy hole to look at outside, and at a 
corner there was such a scrouging as I couldn't get 
by, and were that squoze as made it painful thro 1 
being druv up agin some boards as was a door put 
trumpery agin a shop where I was that stifled, I says, 
"Hair," I says, and don't know whatever would have 
'appened if a gentleman, as must be a lord I should 
say, hadn't opened the door sudden and pulled me in. 
I thought I should have died, for they'd trod my shoes 
down at the 'eels and my gownd was all out at the 
gethers. 

So I says to the gentleman as was that kind, 
"Wherever do you think as Mrs. Probit is got to? " 
He says as he couldn't say, but would make me 'ave 
a glass of sherry wine, as was refreshing and be- 
haved quite like a father to me. 

So they says, " There goes the band ! " and helps 
me up to see it, as was all welwet caps and gold lace, 
and played beautiful. 

I says, " When's the Queen a-comin'." They says, 
1 Not to-day, thro' it being* only a princess as holds 
the drawin'-room." 

Well, I kep' a-settin' a-thinkin' as Mrs. Probit 
might pass ; as she did not, so I says, " I must be 
a-gettin' homewards, and shall fall in with her on 
the way." So I thanks the g-entleman, and off I 
starts, and if I asked one policeman if he'd seen Mrs. 
Probit I must have asked twenty, but they was quite 
rude. So I g*ets on till I sees a Blackwall 'bus, and 
in I gets, and glad for to do so, and fell that fast 
asleep as never to wake till we was passed our 

c 



38 

turnin', and was on the stroke of six when I got in 
and found Brown a-waiting for his tea, and as to Mrs. 
Probit she never got home till nine, and had the im- 
pidence for to say as it were my fault for leavin' on 
her with the child on her hands a-fancyin' as I'd been 
run over, which is her rubbish, and only excuses for 
a-goin' to drink tea with a friend, and in my opinion 
give me the slip intentional. 

So I up and told her a bit of my mind, for Matilda 
Jane let it out; and certainly I was put out when 
that aggravatin' young thing had the imperence to 
tell me to my face as I was a nuisance, and her 
mother said so, for which reason they'd left me in the 
scrouge. 

So I says, " Mrs. Probit, next time as you takes 
that object to a doctor don't ask me." 

Well, them remarks puts up her black blood, thro' 
her mother bein' of a half-cast, so we ain't spoke 
since. As I often says, it's a cold, ungrateful world, 
and the more you does the more you may. But as to 
them West-enders for going to show theirselves like 
that to the Queen, it's downright a deal more than 
barefaced, as they are. I don't hold with such ways, 
as always was a fine clear skin, but not one to show 
it like that, was it ever so. 





No. 6 



DON'T think as ever I was so flustered in 
my life, and all nothing after all. For I 
was a-thinkin' as I was goin 1 to have a quiet 
day, and set my heart on unpicking my coburg, as 
Pm going to have dyed, when in comes our Jane's 
Joe. 

I says, "Joe, whatever is it?" 

He says, " Mother has sent me over for to ask you 
to come and spend the day to have broad beans and 
bacon," as I'm partial to, and he says, " As Jane and 
me is a -goin', and I'm that late as I can't stay a mo- 
ment," and off he goes. 

Well, I says, " I didn't want to go nowheres, but 
his mother is that peppery if you seems at all cool, 
and Brown does make such a row about me a-keep- 
ing of her at her distance, as is a low-lived woman, 
and given to abuse, so I thort as it was best to go. 

The way as I busted through dressing nobody 
wouldn't credit, and the heat as I was in was down- 
right wapour baths. 

Off I sets, and nearly dropped a-gettin' to the end 
of the street, where I was just in time to miss a "bus, 
and had to wait a quarter of a hour, which was as 
well perhaps, for if I hadn't took a something at the 
Catherine Wheel, I don't think as I could have gone 
on. 

When the 'bus did come it was that full, and the 



40 

way as a party give me a shove, and used low abuse, 
thro' me a-treading quite light on his foot, you'd a 
thought as I'd been a elephant. 

I got out of the 'bus close to London-bridge, as I 
hurries over, thro' a-seein' as it was late, thro' Joe's 
mother a-dinin' full early, as I considers twelve to be, 
I was looking out for the Bermondsey 'bus all over the 
bridge, as would set me down at the door, and gets 
quite on to the top of Tooley-street when I hears, 
"Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Brown! " So I thinks it's only 
jeers, and keeps on, when a blow in the back nearly 
sends me for'ards, and round 1 turns for to resent such 
freedoms, and there was that boy Sam, as is Joe's 
youngest brother, a-grinning like wild. 

So I says, " Whatever do you mean by taking 
away any one's breath like that ? " 

" Why," he says, " mother says you're as deaf as 
a beadle, and we've been a-hollarin' like mad at you, 
ever so long." 

I says, " Wherever is your mother? " 

"Over there," says he; and there, sure enough, 
all along the kerb, was Mrs. Simmons, as is Joe's 
mother, tho' married again, standin', a-laughing like 
mad. 

" Wherever are you a-goin' ? " says she. 

" Why, to see you, to be sure," says I. 

" To see me, then you're in the wrong box, for I'm 
goin' out for the day." 

"Why, didn't you send Joe to ask me to come and 
spend the day ? " 

" Next Monday," says she. 

"Well, you might have knocked me down with a 
feather, I was that took aback. 

" Where are you off to ? " says I. 

"To the Dramatic Fair," says she, " at the Crys- 
tian Pallis." 

Whatever^ that ? " says I. 



4* 

" Oh," says she, " for to give a home to them actors 
as is past work/' 

I says, " Oh, indeed, like Chelsea 'Ospital where 
the Greenwich pensioners is." 

Says she, " No doubt." 

"Well," I says, "I'll take myself home again.' 

"No," says she, "come along with us, and a plea- 
sant day we shall have." 

So I don't like to throw cold water over nobody, 
and give way, and off we went just in time for to 
have a good fight for the train, as I got into with dif- 
ficulties, thro' the man a-shetting in my gownd, as 
prevented me a-setting down comfortable, as was 
*that scrouged, as it's w 7 ell as the journey wasn't long. 

Dear heart! when we got there, what with the 
stairs and passages I was dead-beat afore we got in- 
to the Pallis, as was that full as one couldn't think 
where they all come from. 

The noise and the din was that confusion as I 
couldn't make out whatever was a-goin' on. There 
certainly was a deal of lovely ladies, as looked like 
fairies in their musling bowers; not as I held with 
the way as them young gents was a-staring and a- 
making* remarks as was too free. 

But, law bless you, I don't think as I'd been in the 
place ten minutes before I lost sight of Mrs. Simmons 
and all. So I went about a-looking at thing's as was 
dancing sweeps, and acting of plays, for all the w T orld 
like Brookgreen Fair, as I once went to when quite a 
gal. After a bit I went for to see a wild-beast show, 
as was certingly wery natural for stuffed and one 
donkey, as was life-like even to eating. 

What pleased me most was a gentleman in the 
name of Toole, as was lecturin,' and certainly won- 
derful he was, as showed off a stout gentleman, as I 
should call a fine man. I see as they was parties as 
know'd all manner as was wonderful to hear; not as 



42 

I could see why ever some idiots kep' agrinnin' and 
a-shoviif so as I couldn't hear distinct, but it must 
have been very fine. Just as we was a-comin' out I 
fell in with young- Sam, as took me to where his mother 
was, and a very nice dinner we got, and plenty of 
very good beer, as I enjoyed, and very agreeable 
everything was, and when we was goin' off agin in 
the Pallis, that Sam said as he would have a ice, a 
thing- as I never tasted, and was persuaded, but, lor, 
the first mouthful was that shock, for I swallowed it 
sudden, thro' its being that slippy, and oh, the hagony 
as I was in, and if it hadn't been for hot brandy and 
water constant, I don't think I should have lived thro' 
it, and w r as bent double, I may say, hours as broughttjP 
on that headache as I was distracted, so I says, " Let 
me alone quiet in a corner," and there I sat till Mrs. 
Simmons come to say it was time to go, and she'd had 
a pleasant day, and I dare say she had; but the 
fright as we had to get into the train quite upset me, 
and I was that bad all the way home that they put 
me in a cab at London-bridge, and when I got home 
Brown had to fetch Mr. Midget, as attends me, as 
said it was a mercy it didn't bring on somewhat as 
was serous, and me in them agonies thro' being 
attacked by rheumatics as laid me up for many a day, 
and it's my opinion, on the whole, as them Fancy 
Fairs ain't much suited to me, tho' certainly very 
beautiful they are, and if they do good, why, of course, 
I ain't one to speak agin them, tho' they don't suit 
me. 



No. 7. / 

to. l&taiatis ffltc MiriMr* 




J 'M sure the 'eat as I was in, and that grimed 
as any one might have took me for a sweep's 
good lady, thro' it bein' of a Friday, when I 
will have 'em, as is all very well with their rammeners, 
as they calls them, tho' nothing in my opinion like 
the boys, as could go into the corners, where it will 
lodge, as is dangerous and apt to ketch and bring* the 
ingins on to you in no time, as is a heavy sum to pay, 
especial when prepared to swear as you've been swep' 
within six weeks, and I was a-saying to Mrs. Challin, 
as is a 'ard-working woman, tho' not to be trusted 
with sperrits about, as I'd go and clean myself up 
a bit ; " for," I says, " I never can fancy my meals, 
and take tea as I am, I couldn't was it ever so." I. 
don't think as I'd hardly got my gown off afore I 
hears Mrs. Challin a-hollarin', as is that deaf as 
posts is nothing to it. 

So thinking as she was a-wanting to know how 
much milk as she should take, thro' hearin' it a-comin' 
down the street, I puts my head over the bannisters 
for to say make it a pen'orth, when figure as I was 
there was two gentlemen a-standin' a-talking to Mrs. 
Challin, as kep' answerin' foolish thro' not a-heariiV. 

So I says to myself, " P'raps it's the lawyers," as 
never will let us rest thro' Brown's aunt, as was 
thought to have died intestines, tho' the will was quite 
safe in her corner drawers, tho' wrapped in a old 
handkerchen 



44 

I says to myself, " I shan't hurry for you," so give 
myself a good wash, and got my 'air on with a clean 
cap and apron, and down I goes, fully expecting them 
to have gone, as the saying is, when there they was 
a-setting like lambs. 

So I says, " Your pleasure, gentlemen," for I see as 
they wasn't lawyers' clerks by their ways, as was 
elegant ; for up they gets and a-bowing, bending I 
may say. 

" Have we the pleasure to address Mrs. Brown ? " 
says they. 

I says, " I am that party, at your service," for I 
knows how to address them as is on a spear above, 
thro' having lived in families as was so situated. 

So they says as the weather was fine, as I said it 
were, and they asks after Mr. Brown's health, "As," 
I says, " is not what I could wish, thro' a nasty cough, 
as he says is nothing, but just sich a one as my own 
grandfather carried to his grave with him, and ajways 
said it would be his end, as it turned out at eighty- 
six, and had troubled him nearly forty years ; so I 
always says it did ought to be took in time, as hore- 
hound tea, with alicumpane powder, a bit of horse- 
radish, and sweetened with treacle, softens the chest, 
and will often bring it away." 

"And how is your 'ealth, Mrs. Brown, mum?" 
says the other, as was short, with red whiskers, thro' 
the other party being a fine man, with a expanding 
chest as would show a frill well. 

" Why," I says, " I can't say much, tho' I keeps up, 
but often with a aching back, for stooping does try 
me a good deal, and I often feels if it wasn't for 
Brown, as would miss me, I ain't much to live for." 

And so I tells the gentlemen, as smiled agreeable, 
and says, " Mrs. Brown, mum, youYe in your prime." 

I says, " Go along ; I'm the grandmother of six." 

Says they, " Never." 



4S 

I says, "I am" 

Then says they, " You must a-married in your tins/' 
as I didn't know what they meant. 

At last the little chap with the red whiskers says, 
"Madam/' he says, " we've called for to solicit Mr. 
Brown's vote for this gentleman," and he hands me a 
card, as I couldn't read without my glasses. 

So I says, " Oh, indeed ! Whatever wote does the 
g-entleman require ? I hope as nothing ain't happened 
to the beadle, as was the last as 'ad it, as fine looking 
a man as you'd see in a day's walk a-standin' on them 
church steps, with his cock hat and beef-steak collar, 
as looked commandin' at the 'ead of them boys a- 
beatin' of the bounds, as the minister, though lusty, 
didn't look nothing aside of him, and them full parties 
is often gone to-day and here to-morVow, as the say- 
ing is." So it give me a turn when the gentleman 
talked about Brown's vote. 

But he says, a-smilin' benign, " No, mum," he says, 
"it are not parochial, but," he says, "parliamentary, 
thro' Mr. Brown 'aving of property in the Tower 
Hamiicks." 

So I says, " Oh, indeed ! " I says, "I hope they 
ain't been and drawn Brown for Parliament as they 
did for to serve on a jury, as took him away from his 
home, and locked up three nights all along of one 
fellow as wouldn't give in about a party being hanged, 
as richly deserved it, and got it too, as I says, 'tho' I 
don't hold with blood- shed in general, yet them as 
does such things did ought to get it as io sure to come 
home to them." 

So the gentleman he says, " As he hadn't no wish 
for to dictate to Brown about giving his vote, but that 
if we wanted all manner of good things, as this was 
the party as would do what is right by your Queen 
and constitution, as he was anxious to preserve." 

I says, " Of course the Queen did ought to be looked 



4 o 

after proper, as is a-getting on now, thro* being the 
grandmother of eight as I see *n the paper, tho' 
that's nothing", for Tve six, as I said myself; but," 
I says, "as to our constitutions, they're remarkable 
*4*ood, or we shouldn't look as we do; for when Browx 
is cleaned up a bit you'd guess him ten years younger 
than what he is." So I says, " We don't want no one 
a-looking after our constitutions, a-poking their n 
into families, as is what I calls interference." 

So the gentleman says, " Don't you wish for to see 
Church and State kep' up ? ;? 

"/ell," I says, "I thinks there's some as keeps up 
too much state; for,"' I says, "there's Mrs. Graylings, 
as keeps the lie shop at the corner, to see her go to 
church of a Sunday morning you'd think as she was 
the queen, and a wulgar squat figger for a green 
satin gownd and a pink bonnet, with a nose like a 
beetroot ; and as to him he's downright ridiculous, a 
head and shoulders shorter nor her, a punchy figger, 
as a blue coat and metal buttons don't set off, and as 
plain a family as ever you see, and the eldest daughter 
married quite miserable; tho' I knows what would 
make thern drop their heads a little; and suppose he 
is churchwarden, what o' that ? there can't be no 
occasion for them stately ways." So I says, " None 
of your Church and State for me." 

"Then," says the gentleman, "we may reckon on 
Mr. Brown being Liberal." 

" Well/' I says, "that depends." I says, "It's as 
much as people can do now-a-days to pay their ways 
let alone being liberal, for I'm sure the price as things 
is quite takes away your breath." 

So says the gentlemen, " We hope to relieve 
burdens of the working-man." 

I says, " That's right, that is; but," I says, " in my 
opinion the working-man 'ad better look after his- 
self. It's all very fine to come a-talking about work- 



47 

ing people bein ? looked after." I says, "You're pre- 
cious careful of the working-man, you are ; you're 
afraid of his getting- a drop of beer of a Sunday night, 
when I'm sure we come in famishing from Chigwell, 
and it only just struck eleven as we turned the corner, 
thro' bein'- a good drive, and there we was done out 
of our beer ; and then we mustn't have a bit of dinner 
baked of Sunday ; jf it ain't fetched home afore half- 
past one the baker mustn't give it, as 'appened to 
poor Mrs. Giddings, as had starved and slaved to get 
that bit of meat all the week, as was kep' late at 
church thro' a bishop a-preachin', as she took all the 
children to hear, and come home too late for to get 
her dinner out, thro' the baker bein' fined the week 
afore, as was left a-starvin' with seven on 'em, and 
the bit of meat with a puddin' under reglar sp'ilt by 
Monday mornin' w T hen she got it. 

" Now," I says, " you leave the working-man alone, 
and let him do as he likes, and if he dees wrong 
there's the police as'll make it all square. However 
would you like for a lot of working-men to interfere 
with your going-s-on, and talk about improving of you, 
as I'm sure needs it with your divorce courts, as is a 
disgrace." 

So says one of the gentlemen, "Mum, you did 
ought to be in Parliament yourself." 

I seed he was a jeering, as put me out, so I says, 
"If I was I'd pretty soon set some on 'em to rights. ; 

So the little chap with the red whiskers gives the 
other a nudge, and then they both laughs, tho' a-try- 
ing to keep it under, as I'd ketched 'em at it afore. 
So I says, " Redicule is all very fine, and I dessay as 
you're mighty fine in your Parliaments ; but," I says, 
" don't come here a-talking and a-sniggering* and a- 
grinning at me," I says, "a-taking up my time," as 
was downright a starving for my tea. 

" Excuse me," says the tall gentleman, " but really 



48 

you have been a-talkihg that fast, Mrs. Brown, as we 
haven't had a chance of saying a word; but/' he 
says, "you'll tell Mr. Browx as he'll hear from the 
candidate more fully." 

u Well," I says, "I've heard quite enough, and as 
to me talking it's a thing as I'm not give to, for, as I 
often says, hear, and see, and say nothing is the best 
way thro' this world." So they only gives a sort of 
grunt and bows very low, a-wishing of me a good 
afternoon; but, law bless you, they was masks of 
deceit, for Mrs. Pollin she met 'em two doors off a- 
laughing like mad, and a-talking about some old 
woman as they'd had fun out of, and I dare say that's 
what they was up to a-comin' here, but thro' me a- 
knowin' of myself I don't give no one a chance of 
makin' fun out of me, tho' when I did tell Brown he 
went on that aggravatin' a-sayin' of course I was the 
old woman they meant, whereas they wouldn't believe 
me a grandmother; but Brown's a-g*oin' to wote agin 
'em, as serves 'em right if they was a-rediculin of me 
to my very face, as Brown says is very plain, tho' I 
don't believe him. 




No. 8. 




I ROWN," I says, " I'm a-goin' to a review, 
tho' ; " I says, " whatever is the use of all 
them soldiers, I should like to know, 'cept 
for the look of the thing*, as certainly is imposing-, tho' 
red ain't a colour as suits me." So Brown he says, 
" You don't know nothing- about it, how ever should 
you ? " 

I says, "Don't I? Why," I says, "my dear mo- 
ther washed two rigiments as was quartered near 
Hounslow." 

" Well," then," says Brown, " why ever do you go 
to see them ? " 

I says, " Do you think, Mr. Brown, as I'm goin' to 
allow a daughter of mine, tho' married, to g*o to sich 
a sight alone where a mother is a protection ; not as 
I expects no enjoyment, and as to her a-luggin' that 
boy all the way it's madness downright, that it is." 

"Why," says Brown, " she lives close by, so it ain't 
nothin' for her; but as to your a-goin' it's foolishness." 

"Well," I says, "I never see such a man as you 
are. When I don't know things, full of your ridicule, 
and when I wants to see them with my own eyes 
always the one to hold back. But," I says, "go I do, 
thro' having promised Jane as I'd be there early to 
meet her at the Marble Arch as the Edgware-road is 
a long distance." 

So I started with Brown, as see me into the White- 



50 

chapel-road, where the 'busses runs regular, and 
ketched the fust, as rattled that dreadful, thro' bein' 
empty, as seemed to jar my head to death. 

Not as I held with that conductor's remarks as 
hollared to the coachman when he helped in a party 
in widow's weeds as was certainly lusty, " Go on, Joe, 
here's more ballast," as is insults to a lady, as she 
certainly was, tho' she'd that hurried as I thought she 
never would get her breath again, and was obliged 
for to take her drops, as was in a little basket, as she 
said went agin her, tho' a great sufferer aperientiy, 
as told me she was a-goin' to her daughter, as wouldn't 
be pacified till she got there, "Tho'," she says, "it's 
as much as my life's worth, thro' ha vino- done, as I 
seldom or never does, put my feet in hof water, with 
James' powders, as acts on the skin, a medicine as I 
don't hold with." 

So we was talking friendly, thro' her being one as 
was experienced, and like my own constitution, and 
known sorrers in having buried her good gentleman, 
as was in the white lead line, a thing as is deleterious 
and will lurk in the constitution, and brought on fits, 
through which he was took sudden ; not as he was 
one for to regret, for she told me as his habits was 
bad and temper violent, and she says to me, " For- 
give and forget, tho'," she says, " I shall carry that 
man's marks to my grave ;" and was that pleasant 
company as I was sorry when she got out in Holbom, 
thro' her daughter a-'livin' in Bloomsbury. 

I says, "Conductor," I says, a-hittin' him with my 
umbrella, "put me down at the Marble Arch, as is 
somewhere beyond Charing Cross." So he says, 
"Whatever do you mean by stoppin' the 'bus for 
that?" and bangs the door that violent as set the 
horses off, and if they didn't gallop like mad, and 
frightened the horses in another 'bus, as begun a- 
gallopin' too. A old gentleman in the 'bus hollared 



5* 

at him, and says, " Let me out, I'm not g-oin' to en- 
danger my life." " Nor more ain't I," says I. 

" Come out then/' says the conductor. "Where's 
your money ? " 

I gives him a shilling and if he didn't give me eight- 
pence change in coppers, as I dropped in the middle 
of the road, where he left me a-standin', with cabs and 
'busses all about a-shouting to me, as was stoopin' to 
pick up the money, as I only recovered three-halfpence, 
tho' I must say as many parties was very polite a- 
troubling themselves to look for it ; not as I thought 
cis kicking about the mud was a good plan, as all 
scuttled away pretty quick thro' a policeman a-comiiv 
up as led me by the arm on the pavement. 
* So I says, "Is this the Marble Arch? " 

"No," says he, "the Pantheon; but," he says, "it 
ain't much further if you keeps on the shady side." 

Bless the man, he's got nice ideas about far, he has, 
for it was nearly eleven when I got to the Marble 
Arch, where Jane was a-waitin' with her eldest, as 
isn't quite three, and the babby. 

She says, " Why, mother, how hot you look ; you 
must want a something, mustn't she, Mrs. Woolley ? " 
•as was with her, a woman as I can't a-bear, bein' one 
as is all fair to your face and knives and lancets be- 
hind your back. 

So she says, " Mrs. Brown, do take a something, 
as is only across the road, as is easy to get at, thro' 
lampposts put up for to protect you agin them 'busses 
as comes round you on all sides, let alone other public 
conveniences, as is bein' drove in ev'ry direction, and 
carriages by the million." 

If it hadn't been as I was that faint, thro' the day 
bein' that swelterm, I would not a-took nothin', for I 
know'cl that Mrs. Woolley' s deceitful ways, as it was 
one word for me and half-a-dozen for herself, as 
know'd her tricks, thro' having watched her narrow 



52 

when nursin' of Jane, as never held with her ways with 
that child, and I'm sure could sleep thro' its screams, 
a-sayin' as it was temper, whereas I found the pin 
myself, as is a woman as would swear black is white, 
a-daring to say as it had dropped off of me on to the 
infant. 

I'm sure I was that terrified a-gettin' across that 
road and back that what I did take didn't seem to do 
me no good, and throwed me into that heat as I 
thought I never could have bore mysell, tho' I had a 
musling gown with a barege shawl as w T as that flimsy 
as I clidn't seem half-clothed, thro' it being what I 
calls a breezy day with dust in that park a-comin' up 
in clouds, and the sight of people as there wasn't no 
seeing thro'. 

Well, there was parties as had brought forms to 
stand on as would throw you over people's heads, tho' 
I was doubtful myself, for they was that ricketty as I 
should not like to have trusted to ; but one young- 
man he was a-trying it on, and says to me, " Here 
you, mum, why it's strong enough for a elephant," 
and idjots as was standin' by grinned. So I walks 
on till we comes to a plank as was supported on 
barrels, as the party as owned it jumped on for to 
prove it strong, and his good lady says as they 
wasn't in that line, but only come out for to see 
it theirselves, as is a field day well worth the money, 
as was threepence each, and agreed to hold Sammy 
up. 

Just then come a nice old gentleman as was stout 
and cheerful, as says he'd try it, and up he gets, and 
advises me, as was hesitating, when them parties as 
it belonged to hoisted me up unawares. 

Certainly it was a grand sight to see them troops 
as moved like machines a-jumping up and turning- 
round, as is their manoeuvring ways. So the people 
says, " Here's the Duke." I says, "What Duke? 



53 

Why/ 5 I says, " he's dead." " No," says the old gen- 
tleman as was standin' up by me. 

" Well," I says, " I see his funeral, that's all I know, 
and remember hearin' of the battle well, as there was 
a deal o' talking about when I was a very young gal, 
where his leg* was shot off thro' Shaw the Life-guards- 
man, as was massacreed by the Prussians a-comin' 
up in the moment of victory." He says a -laughing 
" It's the Duke of Cambridge." 

I says, " Really. I've heard tell of Cambridge very 
often, but never heerd as it was a Duke." And if he 
didn't bust out laughing like mad. So I says, " Who- 
ever is the others all about him in feathers on horse- 
back ? " " Oh," says the old gentleman, " that's the 
staff." 

I should say as he was foolish in his head, 'cos any 
one could see the staff as the Duke was holdin' in his 
hand ; but I didn't say nothin', as them lunatics is 
often took spiteful. 

Well, the sun was a-beatin' down on my head, and 
I was lookin' at them soldiers, as must be dreadful in 
battle. I says, " There ain't no fear of their firm' on 
us unprovoked I suppose ; " for I've heerd tell of such 
things, and spent balls ain't no joke, as has been death 
to thousands, for I never shall forget our Joe a-ketch- 
ing me accidental between the shoulders with a ball 
as he was playin' rounders with, so can easy fancy 
what lead must be. 

Well, Jane she'd got down, so had Mrs. Woolley, 
thro' the infant bein' fractious, and just then the sol- 
diers let fly all of a sudden simultanous with that 
banging and smoke in clouds as it give me that sud- 
den start as I throwed back my arms violent with a 
scream as made everyone look round, and I ketches 
that poor old gentleman as was next me sudden in 
the pit of his stomach accidental with my elber as 
made him start back that forcible as upset the plank 



54 

as we was a-standin' on, and away I went backwards, 
and should have been killed if the old gentleman, be- 
ing under me, hadn't broke my fall, as didn't take it 
in good part, tho' whatever parties could see to laugh 
at I can't think. 

I says, '• Don't stand there a-grinnin', but lend me 
a hand up some on you," as they did at last, tho' the 
old gentleman was most hurt, not as he fell far, and 
said it was my weight as had nearly stifled him, as 
brought on words thro' Mrs. Woolley a-remarkin' as 
she should think so, as is a reg'lar mask of skin and 
bones. So I says, " Its luck as it wasn't you as fell 
on him, for you'd a cut him to bits like a iron hurdle. 57 
As I heard her with my own ears call me a " swel- 
terin' porpus." So I says, "Jane/' I says, " if that 
female is a-goin ? home with you, I knows myself too 
well for to put it in her power to insult me under my 
own daughter's roof:' So I says, "I should prefer 
the omlibus, as will set me down within five minutes:*' 
So I says, " Let's part friends." So for all as she 
could say I would go, thro' her a-sayin' as she could'nt 
shut her door agin that party as had walked in from 
Ealing, as I should not have wished, tho' in my 
opinion a low-lived woman, as I could tell through 
her conversations in that crowd as made a deal too 
free for me. 

As to them soldiers, it's all rubbish and waste of 
powder and ball, as will end bad some day thro" them 
firm' that promiscous at parties as is a-standin' arm- 
less, tho' Brown will have it as it was only powder as 
they fired, tho' I knows better, for I could hear the 
balls as must have knocked me over, and a mercy it 
was no wus. 



No. 9. 



§*», §xsMx liate n |%|t oi it, 




was a-drinkin' tea along of Mrs. Trattles,. 

as is in the fancy line, and a pretty business. 

too, in Pitfield-street, Hoxton, where my own 
niece is assistant, as steady a gal as p'raps you'd 
meet, tho' certainly plain, as I must allow, tho' with 
her 'air done nice and dressed genteel you might take 
notice on. So says Mrs. Trattles to me, "Mrs. 
Brown, Fve heard you say as you was fond of music, 
and if you'd like a treat I can give you one." " What- 
ever^ that ? " says I. 

" Why," says she, " them Cristian Minstrels, as is 
the talk of the w T est-end; for," she says, "the other 
morning as I was in the shop, a young man comes in 
and speaks quite genteel to me, and says, ' Would you 
oblig-e me, mum, by a-showin' of this picter,' as is in 
the window now a-representing them Cristians and 
their doings. So I says as I don't care about it ; but, 
law, he'd got such a persuadin' way with him, and a 
fine dark eye as he fixed on me, as I was obliged to 
turn away. So I says, ' Leave your picter if you like, 
and I'll see.' 'Oh,' says he, ' if you'll take the picter 
and show it, my master will be proud for to see you 
at the show,' and give me a ticket for two." 

"Well, of course," I says, "Mrs. Trattles, it's all 
very well for to give them tickets to them as does a 
favour like you, but certainly I don't hold with going 



to them places and not a-payin', it looks mean in my 
opinion." 

Says Mrs. Trattles, " Them's my feelings, so I 
tell you what, we'll go three, me, and you, and Anna 
Maria," as is my niece's name, " and we'll pay for 
one, as will be somethink, and the omnibus is only a 
trifle, as takes us from one door to the other." 

"Well," I says, "it looks bold in females a-goin' 
about alone; " but Trattles, as was a-doin' a pipe 
after his tea, as is a quiet man in the general way, 
busts out a-laughin', and says, " I'm sure you three 
may be trusted anywheres." 

So I says, " Mr. Trattles, insults isn't arguments, 
and we didn't make ourselves," as broug-ht Mrs. 
Trattles down on him that sharp, as is a hot temper 
thro' jealousy, and bein', as I may say, ugly, as made 
him shut up pretty quick, as the say in' is. 

We started in the omnibus, as was almost empty 
when we got in all but a old gentleman, as was, I 
should say, the wus for what he'd took, and kep' a- 
leerin' at Anna Maria, and makin' that free thro' a- 
talkin', as I don't hold with them unbenown a-doin'. 
So I makes Anna Maria change places with me ; but 
just as we was a-changing the 'bus give a plunge as 
sent me full but into the old gentleman's chest, and I 
really thought as he'd a-gone off, for it reg'lar doubled 
him up, as got out at the Bank, a-sayin' I'd been the 
death of him. Well, I must say as a 'bus over the 
stones constant is a trial to the constitution, particular 
to any one as is a full habit like Mrs. Trattles, as 
can't lay down sudden through the breathing bein' 
that bad, as is a snoring constant tho' awake, as did 
ought, in my opinion, to let blood frequent, and thank- 
ful I was when we got to them Cristians, as a seeing 
Mrs. Trattles a-noddin' in that 'bus made me feel 
fearful as she should pitch for'ard. I must say that 
them west-end parties knows manners, for if ever any 



57 

one was treated like a lady it was me at them Cris- 
tians, for I was a-comin' along- the passage, and .Mrs. 
Trattles hollars out, " Mrs. Brown, 'ave you got the 
tickets? " when you'd a thought as I was the Queen, 
as I've been told as I am like by them as has seed her 
often and often, thro' me a-havin' a way with me as 
is commandin' like. 

Up jumps a young man and says, "If here ain't 
Mrs. Brown." Out comes a gentleman, a plump 
figger, with a smile, as says, " This way, mum,'' and 
hands me in that way polite, and I says, " Near the 
door," I says, " if you please, for I'm one of them as 
'eat overcomes." 

We was in very good time, and certainly Mrs. 
Trattles is a thoughtful woman for to come out with, 
and had a basket as was w^ell supplied, not as I'm one 
to eat and drink much, but Mrs. Trattles she says 
she always feels a craving as I don't think as them 
windfalls, as she kep' a-munchin' could be good for 
her ; but certainly, tho' it's well to tafe the least, as is 
now and then, it don't squench the thirst. Certainly 
them Cristians is wonderful in their ways ; how them 
blacks, as I didn't know was Cristians, can go on like 
that puzzles me, but them foreigners is so singler in 
their habits. I never heard such singing, fust all to- 
gether, and then one by one. One party was uncom- 
mon good company, bein' that cheerful ; but I didn't 
see why parties should keep on a-laughin' so wiolent, 
as, of course, must hurt their feelin's, as can't help the 
colours of their skins, as might 'ave happened to any 
one, tho' I must say as a babby as black as coal is 
calculated for to give a mother a turn, but then in 
course they're used to them things over there, as must 
be a saving in soap and water anyhow, though I 
never should fancy not washing, and never could 
a-bear black stockings myself, as my dear mother never 
allowed. I very near died a-laughing-, I must say, at 



58 

one party as was called Bones, and gives 'way to 
antics wonderful. We did enjoy ourselves, tho* I 
must say one young- lady as danced was a little too 
free with her legs for me, not as it matters so much 
for them as is black. The heat w T as certainly very 
great, and tho' I kep' myself up pretty well with a- 
fannin' myself constant, and 'aving* some red port wine, 
as Mrs. Prattles had in a soda-water bottle, bein' a 
thing as her doctor orders, and I'd* took the precau- 
tion to have a little somethink with me myself, so we 
got on pretty well. I never see anything like them 
Cristians, how they went on a-dressing up and acting 
singler, as is their ways, as I couldn't quite make out, 
till at last they all joins in chorus, and that was the 
end. 

As we was a-goin' out that gentleman as was a- 
smilin' of us in, bowed polite, and says, " Good night, 
Mrs. Brown ; hopes you've been pleased," as I thanked 
perlite, and so we got out in the street. 

Mrs. Trattles she says to me, " Mrs. Brow::, mum, 
it's all very well, but I must have something hot this 
moment, as we can take on our way to the 'bus, as 
runs right thro'." 

So we goes into a house, as was full of low-lived 
characters I should say, and got something as was 
that fiery as I couldn't take it ; so Mrs. Trattles she 
finishes it, and I had the least drop neat, as suits me 
better. When we got out in the street agin Mrs. 
Trattles got a-talking and a-laughin', and a-goin' 
on singler. 

I says, "Mrs. Trattles, you're a-goin' wrong." 
She says, "All right," and walks on that fast as was 
surprisin' for her size, till she stopped short for to get 
her breath, and we was a-standin' all a-waitin' for the 
'bus, till I asks a policeman if it would soon be by, as 
said it didn't come that way, we might have waited 
all night, so I says to the policeman, "What's them 



59 

lights up there? Nobody can't live so hig-h up as 
that." He says, " That's Alabama Palace/' I says, 
"Oh, indeed!" "Yes/' says he, "and a splendid 
place too." 

Says Mrs. Trattles, " Let's go," and on she rushes 
afore I could stop her thro' the cabs, as frightened me 
to death, and never did ketch her up till she was at 
the door, I says, " Mrs. Trattles, we shall miss the 
? bus." She says, ''Bother the 'busses! they runs up 
to twelve, and it's only just past ten." "But," I says, 
" Brown will be a-waitin' for me." If she didn't say, 
"Bother Brown," and pays the money for to go in. 

Well, I couldn't leave her, so follers, and of all the 
lovely places ever I see, it beat 'em ; but the crowds 
as was there, first-rate company, lords and ladies, as 
was all enjoying theirselves ; but what with the 'eat, 
and the lights, and the crowd, and the smoke, I 
thought I should 'ave dropped. " There's plenty of 
room up-stairs," says a party. "Come on," says 
Mrs. Trattles, and rushes up that 'urrying that if it 
hadn't been for a waiter as she run agin at the top of 
the stairs, who ketched her on his tray, and knocked 
her into a chair, she'd 'ave dropped, and certainly 
that young man was that civil as got us refreshments, 
tho' I must say as Mrs. Trattles had had her suf- 
ficiency a-ready. 

So I says to her, " Don't drink no more, that's a 
dear soul.*' She give me a glare quite savage, and 
says, " 'Old your row," with hiccups as was dreadful. 
Well, parties kep' comin' round us, and some bold 
hussies laughs as was dressed that eleg-ant as ought 
to have knowed better, and says, (i Look at them pair 
of old pottumases in liquor," and if one on 'em didn't 
take and blow a lot of scented steam in my face. I ? 
says, "I tell you what it is, young woman, if you 
makes that free with me agin, I'll spoil some of your 
paint for you." 



6o 

If she didn't up with her parasol and fetch me a 
crack as made Anna Maria that wild as she flew at 
her and took her bonnet clean off, and tore out a large 
lump of her back-'air with it as must 'ave been agony. 
Well, there was a reg'lar row, and a young fellow 
come up, and offered to back me, and hollars out for 
a ring. Up comes the police, and if they didn't give 
Anna Maria in charge for assaults, and off they takes 
her. Well, what to do I didn't know, for Mrs. Trat- 
tles only kep' a-'owling and sayin' she was a-dyin', 
as drove me nearly mad, and I says, " No sich luck." 
The police took off Anna Maria ; and a young man, 
as I give a shillin' to, got me a cab, and we got to 
the station 'ouse, as I goes into, and says to the police- 
man, " I'm come for my niece." He says, " Who's 
your niece ? " As I was a-describin', when in she 
was brought, thro' me a-gettin' there first. Well, 
there was a deal a-talkin', and I says to a gentleman, 
as had a large book, and kep' a-sayin', " What's the 
charge?" I says, "I hopes not much, thro' me 
having a little silver with me." I says, " She's my 
own niece." " Oh," he says, " that's the old story, 
they're all aunts and nieces here. Where is the 
party as give her in charge," as not being aperient, 
we was let go just as the clock was a-striking twelve, 
and Mrs. Trattles a-snorin' in that cab like hogs, 
and Anna Maria a-sobbin' like wild, and w T hen we 
got to Pitfield-street if the cabman didn't want half-a- 
sovereign, as brought Brown down pretty quick, as sent 
him off using abuse as was revolting, a-saying as he'd 
never see such a Haymarket lot, and I thought as 
Brown would have pulled him off the box. But, law, 
I could think of nothing but Mrs. Trattles as we 
couldn't bring to, and Trattles a-sayin' I'd been her 
death, and the doctor bein' knocked up, as was quite 
short, and says, " She's been a-drinkin' too free," as 
Brown agreed to, as caused words 'twixt me and 



6i 



Trattles, as said as the lot were screwed. So we 
went home, as the walk refreshed me, thro' our only 
a-livin' in the Curtain-road, but you'll never ketch 
me out with Mrs. Trattles no more. 




i\ T 0. 10. ' 



2B», Irotm Visits \\t fpmmmtt 




DON'T think as I was ever more took a- 
back in my life than when our Jane come in 
one morning afore ten with her eldest all of 
a 'eat and bustle, and says, " Mother, they've been 
and drawed Joe." 

I says, "Whatever do you mean — for the militia ? :? 
"No," says she, "but for chairman, and he must 
go." 

" Go where ? " says I. " To Southend/' says she. 

I says, "You don't mean it?" "Yes/' she says, 
"I do, and I must go too." 

"What," I says, "emigrate, with them Willlamses 
as was never heerd on agin, thro' the ship a-taking 
fire a-coming agin a iceberg, as you'd think would 
put it out, but it didn't, thro' bein' froze, just as the 
plugs was that night as the sugar-bakers was burnt 
down in Radcliffe Highway, as was built on the spot 
close to where the Marrs was murdered, as my own 
mother know'd well, thro' bein' in the slop line, as 
was on a Saturday night, supposed to be a sailor, as 
didn't even spare the baby in the cradle, and would 
have massacreed the servant gal only she was gone 
for to fetch the supper beer, and heerd the shrieks thro' 
the key-hole, as was never discovered, thro' them as 
was suspected a-hangin' of theirselves in their garters, 
bein' denied pen and ink, as p'raps would have led 



63 

to disclosures." "No," she says, "not emigrate, only 
out for the day along- with them Odd Fellows." 

I says, " Rubbish." I says, " Whatever is the use 
of g'iving one such a turn over with your Odd Fel- 
lows ? You means as you're a-goin' out for the day, 
and why ever not ? for I'm sure the fresh air will do 
you good, for that g'al looks peeky." "Well," she 
says, " I can't manage 'em all three ; as Joe is agree- 
able to the infant and the boy, I thought as p'raps 
you'd take care of Jane." 

Well, I ain't one to say nay, and must allow as Joe 
is a steady man, tho' not one as I cottons to in the 
general way ; so I says, " When's it to be ? " She 
says, " To-day, and so I brought the gal down here 
early." 

"Well," I says, "early it is." So she says, "I 
can't wait no long*er, thro' Joe a-bein' a-waiting at 
the corner with them two, as p'raps the baby '11 wake 
up." 

So off she goes and leaves the little gal, as begun 
to whimper, but was soon pacified thro' me a-sayin' 
as we should go out somewheres too, but I says, 
"There ain't no place for to get a mouthful of fresh 
air this sultry day without a journey." 

Mrs. Challin she'd come in, and was a-talkin' 
friendly, and says, " Don't you think as the top of the 
Moniment must be fresh and pleasant thro' bein' that 
high ? " 

"Yes," I says, "but whoever is to get up there, as am 
not one to go a-climbing, as I holds to be foolishness, as 
Brown was a-readin' on in the paper on Sunday about 
parties as went and fell off the Halps as is dangerous 
thro' perpetual freezing, as must be slippy walking, 
let alone the climbin', as the police in them parts did 
ought to put a stop to, as they does parts as is dan- 
gerous on the ice, as I see myself in Victoria Park, 



6 4 

drownded last winter, as is seventeen stone in his 
highlows, a heavy finger for skates, if the Human 
Society hadn't brought him up with a hookin' his eye, 
as he'll carry to his grave/' So she says, " Oh, it's 
easy done is that Moniment if you takes it slow, and 
is only threepence, as the view is well worth the 
money." 

I says, "Would you a-mind a-goin' too? " " No," 
says she. 

So we agreed as we'd start a little after twelve, me 
having give the child a bit of something, and not a- 
carin' for much myself, as the 'eat has damped the 
appetite, but made the beer relishing, and I only took 
a bit of bread and cheese, and so got off in good 
time. Well, we walked uncommon slow on the shady 
side, as is a gentle walk to Fish-street-'ill, where it 
was put up, and certainly must be built strong for to 
be run up that high and not topple over like the 
chimbly at the brewery, as caused distraction to the 
neighbourhood "as it fell on, as well I remembers a- 
seein' it the Sunday follerin' thro' Brown and me a- 
goin' pleasurin' in that direction. I couldn't make 
out much as was wrote round except something about 
throwing theirselves off, as was put up thro' parties 
a-cloin' of it constant, as was dangerous to them a- 
passin'j as the human body would be a-takin' any one 
sudden from such a height. 

Well, we paid our money to a respectable old gen- 
tleman, and bought a book all about it, as I didn't 
stop to read thro' little Jane bein' all of a fidget for to 
get up, and off she starts, as I followed pretty quick 
for a little way up, but was brought up short thro' my 
breath a-failin', as is often the case with them as is 
stout a-hurryin' up stairs. Why ever they should 
keep the place that dark I can't think, as makes one 
all of a tremble, and that narrow as is squeezing 
work for two to pass. Glad T was to get up to the 



65 

top, as was for all the world like bein' in a large rat- 
trap, where there was several parties, a old gentle- 
man and his good lady and the grandson, as was a 
wonderful boy to talk, and knowed all about every- 
thing, as they seemed to take a pleasure to listen to ; 
but I don't hold with chits of boys bein' so full of their 
jaw, as did ought to listen. 

u Oh," says he, " ain't it grand ; look at the Tower, 
and there's St. Paul's." "Yes," says the old gent, 
" it's awful grand, and to think as we might have 
been buried in the ruins." 

I says, " Has anything been and fell in ? Excuse 
me a-askin', but havin' a child with me as is not my 
own, thcT my own daughter's, I shouldn't like to run 
no risks, as the sayin' is." So he says, " No," he 
says ; " but everything pretty soon would if they'd 
their ways as did it, as glories in slaughters would 
like for to see the streets a -flowing- gory." 

I says, " Wherever is the police as lets such be at 
large ? " " Oh," he says, " they don't mind no police." 

Then says I, "They did ought to be compelled." 
" Ah," says he, "they're too deep for that, as would 
undermind any one, and we might all be blowed up 
m our beds." 

Well, it give me such a turn, the idea as if we 
wasn't high enough already. So I says, " Who is the 
parties you alludes to ? for I'm sure the old gentle- 
man as takes care on the place down below, as is a 
clean party, wouldn't allow no such goin's on here." 
' k Why," says the old gentleman, "we're a-standin' in 
the very spot where they did it as blowed out London 
as if it had been a candle sudden, as is put up as a 
safeguard agin them." 

I says, "Mrs. Challin, let's go" I says, "if there's 
any danger; for," I says, "my head's a-swimmm' 
now." So the old gentleman says, " No fear, mum, 
as long as we've got Whalley." 



66 

I says, "Oh, indeed; but," I says, "is he Lord 
Mayor ? " " No," he says, " but one as'll keep down 
them Papists!" 

" Oh/' I says, " I only wish as Brown was here, he'd 
talk to you, he would. You're one of them persecu- 
tors, are you ? " " No," he says, " but I'm a-Iookin' 
out." 

" Well, then," I says, " you'd better do it," for I see 
as he was a-'talkin' foolish, and I didn't want none of 
his rubbish, and I'd got a ledge as I was a-settin' on, 
and Mrs. Challin and me took some refreshment as 
we'd got, and certainly, tho' the sun was hot, there 
was a pleasant breeze, and we didn't want that old 
feller a-hollarin' is rubbish, as was downrig-ht preachin', 
and so was the boy, as come a-talkin' to me about 
ardent sperrits and unfulfilled prophets ; so I up and 
says, " Look here, my boy ; " I says, " I dare says as 
you've read a good deal." "Yes," says he, "and 
I've preached till the Papists got me turned out of the 
parks thro' fear of me." 

I says, " Go along with your rubbish and preachin', 
teach your grandmother." Well, that puts him up, 
and he says, " My grandmother ain't a deaf hadder, 
as will drink distraction from ahegg-cup," illudin', no 
doubt, to what I was a-takin'. 

So I says, " Now I tell you what it is, I'm not a- 
goin to stand none of your bosh." He says, "You're 
a profane old woman." 

" Now," I says, " I should be sorry for to forget as 
I'm a lady, but," I says, " if you gives me any more 
of your cheek I may wake you up, my lad." 

If the old lady didn't come up and offer me a track, 
a-sayin' as sperrits was a foretaste of a place as was 
nameless. 

I says, " Go along with your tracks and rubbish. 
You did ought to be ashamed of yourself a-using of 
such language to them as is only takin' refreshments, 



6; 

as is necessary thro' tear of chills, with draughts all 
round enough to blow your head off." "Ah," she 
says, " they'll find you out." 

I says, " Let 'em, I'm not ashamed of what I'm 
doin' ; take care as you ain't found out yourself." 
Well, this puts her out, and if she didn't take on 
dreadful, and made the old gent and the boy join in 
all a-talkin' fearful, it quite turned my blood, and if I 
didn't let the bottle fall as I was a-tryin' to get into 
the basket, as made the old lady say as she rejoiced. 

So I says, " Mrs. Challin, it's my opinion as they've 
got loose/' So I gets up and moves slow to the way 
down with little Jane, and away I cuts down-stairs 
like mad, Mrs. Challin a follerin'. I'm sure I re- 
members nothin' till I was safe on dry land, tho' I 
did bump up agin one party on the stairs and knock 
him back'ards, as took it very perlite. 

So I tells the party as keeps the place of their 
goin's on up there. He says, " It's only the teetotallers 
up to their little games, as comes here pretty often." 

"Well, then," I says, "they did ought to be made 
mind their own business, insultin' of parties as don't 
hold with their ways;" and I says, "Mrs. Challin, 
mum, wherever is the basket?" She says, "Ain't 
you got it ? " 

"No," says I. "Then," says she, "I'll go up for 
it." 

"No," I says, "never, and face them lunatics? Yd 
rather lose it," as I did. 

So we walks home, and dead beat I was, and, of 
course, the Moniment is very grand, and all that, but 
them teetotallers did ought to be kept oft] as is a 
downright nuisance, as the sayin' is. 



70 

germ' and a-sayin', " This way, ladies/' and a-hol- 
larin' out " forward/' as I says to Mrs. Bulfit, " It's 
my opinion as they're a forward lot/' for them young 
chaps had all got a grinning sort of way over the 
counters, as I don't hold with. Of all the rubbish as 
ever I see, it was the things as that young man showed 
us. 

I says, "You don't call this silk, I hopes?" He 
says, " Best Lions, made for us." 

"Well, then," I says, "you'd better keep your lions 
to yourselves, as isn't things as did ought to be at 
large." I says, "I wants some long cloth," and if he 
didn't show me dusters at ninepence- three-farthings. 

"What a price," says I. "The 'merican war/' 
says he. 

"Why," I says, "that's over and done for." He 
says, "This is a lot as we got in afore it broke out, 
or w r e couldn't sell it so cheap." 

"Well, then," says I, "I won't take the advantage 
on you, you'd better keep it till the war begins agin, 
and then you'll make more by it." 

Well, then, they began to worret me with collars 
by the basketful, as was all machine rubbish, but at 
last showed some pocket-handkerchiefs as wasn't bad 
at the price. So I takes half-a-dozen at four and six 
and a bit of edging, likewise a remnant of fancy silk 
as would make a pelerine. Well, the young man as 
was serving us kep' putting things on a ledge behind 
him, as I wanted to keep in my own hands, and Mrs. 
Bulpit she wouldn't have nothing- thro' bein' hurfat 
findin' as the black silks was a regular sell, as the 
sayin' is. So the young man keeps on a-worreting, 
" What's the next article ? " not a-givin' you time to 
look round and a-botherin' with his parasols. 

So I says, " If you'd hold your clack for a bit we 
might fancy something ; " when Mrs. Bulpit gives a 
hollar and says, " I'm robbed, wherever is my puss ? " 



7* 

I says, " Was there much in it ? " She says, " Two 
shillings and some loose copper." 

" What a mussy," I says, " you didn't bring- out no 
money. " " Oh," says she, " I only cum to look, never 
meanin' to buy." 

"Then," says the young- man, "you needn't come 
here a-blockin' up the place and a-takin' up our 
time." 

I says, " Young man," I says, " this lady is with me 
thro' not a-likin' to come out alone." " Well/' he 
says, " you do want a purtecter, you do." 

I says, " If you give me any of your impidence I 
walks out of the shop," and up I gets and goes to the 
door. He says, "Pay for your things, as here's the 
parcel." 

I says, " Let me look at them." He says, " They're 
done up." 

So I opens the parcel, and out there fell such a lot 
of handkerchers, and as to the remnant it was green, 
tho' I'd bought a blue. I says, "These isn't the 
things as I bought, and won't pay for 'em." Says 
the young* man, " I don't believe as you've got no 
money neither on you, as is a couple of old shoplifters 
the wus for drink, as one can smell the rum all over 
the shop." 

I thought I should have struck him, and was just a- 
goin' to call in the police when I remembers my urn- 
breller as I'd hung on the edge of the counter. So I 
rushes back for to get it when the young man says, 
" Let me see that umbreller," ketches it out of my 
hand, and shakes out of it a piece of edging and says, 
" I thought as much." 

"Go for the police," says one. " They're the same 
gang as was in yesterday," says another. "Oh, 
yes," says a red-haired willin' "I see 'em loitering 
about the winder ever so long with noted thieves." 

I never did feel in such a state. Mrs. Bulpit, as I 



think had dipped her beak in pretty free to the rum 
and water as we had by Spitalfields Church, she be- 
gun a-hollarin' and a-cryin\ But, bless you, my blood 
was up. 

I says, " Send for the police, and do your wust, you 
catchpenny wagabones, as is a gang yourselves." 
" We'll let you off this time," says a feller with a 
woolly head of hair and a big watch-chain. 

" Thankee for nothing" says I, " what have I done ?" 
^ " look our goods as was found on you, and it's 
six months certain," as sets Mrs. Bulpit a-howling 
frightful. 

I says to her, " Don't go on like that. Let 'em 
prove as my umbreller is on me or as I took the things, 
as the ring were on the umbreller that tight till some 
of them undid it for to play their tricks."* 

Well, a policeman had come in thro' the crowds 
round the door, so I says to him, i; I'm willin' for to 
go before the Lord Mayor this very instant" He 
says, " You'd better step it." 

I says, " I'm respectable, as I can prove, and tho' 
the things is downright rubbish, will pay for *em." I 
puts my hand into my pocket, and I'm blessed if every 
living thing wasn't cleaned out, as the savin' is. 
"Well," I says, "I've been pillaged regular," and 
some one says, "Walker; " but so it was. Wherever 
I could have lost them I can't think ; but what ag.^ra- 
wated me was them fellows in the shop a-sayin as 
they'd let me go thro' a-pityin' me for my age, and 
one tallow-faced 'umbug come up and said as he 
hoped I should see my herrers, and wanted to give me 
a track. 

So I says, " It's my opinion as you're a wile set of 
perjed wagabones, as did ought to be put down, as 
no doubt you will be ; but," I says, " if I don't expose 
you my name ain't Brown/' and I'd a-said a deal 
more only Mrs. Bulpit and the policeman kep 1 



45 

a-pullin' me out of the shop, as was a civil young man. 
and as luck would have it I'd a fourpenny-piece in 
my glove, as run to a glass of ale a piece, not as 
Mrs. Bulpit required none; but, bless you, she's a 
fish that woman, and when I got home Brown had 
done his tea,- and was aggravatin' in his talk, a-sayin' 
as I looked more like a thief than a 'aystack thro' me 
not bein' well dressed, as is my 'abits; but you'll never 
ketch me after no more bargains, as is reg'lar traps 
for to take you unawares, as is a thing as I don't hold 
with. 






No. 12. 



*»♦ Irafora at a S 




F ever there was a hold hunks, as the say in' 
is, it's old Eyles is one, thro' having- Welsh 
blood in his veins, as is known to be that 
fiery, for he'll be up in a moment, as there wasn't no 
occasion for ; a milder party than his good lady, and 
one to slave her heart out to please him, there can't 
be, thro' being- his second and a grown-up daughter 
by the first, the cross-grainededest party as ever I see, 
as ugly as sin, as the sayin' is, let alone being a rams- 
horn in crookedness, as certainly she cannot help, tho' 
her temper she might keep straight, and is thirty if 
she's a day. 

Whatever young Wilkixs could see in her but the 
little bit of money as she'll get thro' her grandfather, 
which she's got to wait for, as is a bitter pill a-having 
the old man in the house, as occupies the first floor in 
the perpetual sulks ; not as they wants his company, 
tho' they'd a-been glad of his room, as he might have 
give up for the day, " For as to eighteen ever a-settin' 
down in your parlour, Mrs. Eyles," I says, " it can't 
be done, not if they was to set in one another's laps." 
But she says, "It must be." # 

So I says, " It never can,"' and held to it. She says, 
"As it's all cold, it don't matter so much." 

Nor more it wouldn't if old Eyles hadn't a-flared 
up like chops a-broiling", and says, "You don't mean, 



75 

Mrs. Eyles, as you're a-goin' to give my child a cold 
dinner on her wedding day ? " 

" Why," I says, " Mr. Eyles, it's done in the first 
families, as I've seen myself." "Well, then," says he, 
" it shan't be done in mine. I hates cold wittles, and 
I won't have it here," and busts into the back garden. 

So she says, "Whatever am I to do, for it's all 
provided, and I durstn't let Eyles know it, as is a 
picter of a bit of cold roast beef, a pigeon pie, four 
cold fowls, and a Yorkshire ham." I says, "And 
does you credit." "No," says she, "all ready money; 
but whatever can I do ? " 

I says, "Warm it up." "No," says she, "that 
won't do," and was very nigh wild, when in comes old 
Eyles, and says, " Look here, I'll have a roast leg of 
pork, and a biled leg of mutton, and a hot meat pie, 
and anything else you like," and throws down a 
couple of sov'reigns, and out he goes again. 

"Well, then," I says, "it's easy done, you can 
warm up your pie, bake your pork, and the mutton's 
easy biled," and so we agreed. 

If there was a soaker it was that Saturday as Eliza 
Eyles was married, and I'm sure poor Mrs. Eyles had 
her work cut out, for of all the tempers as ever a man 
was in it was Eyles, and as to the old man up-stairs, 
as is Mr. Sykes, Eliza's grandfather, he was a-thump- 
ing with his stick like mad over your head. 

If ever you see a object in this world it was Eliza 
Eyles dressed for church. She'd got on a worked 
muslin as had been made too free with the blue-bag ; 
a lace- trimmed jacket, as I should have called rubbish. 

I says, " Wherever is your bonnet ? " She says, 
I ain't goin' to wear no bonnet, I've got a wail." 

"What?" I says, quite took aback, for she's a 
complexion like a duck's foot, a swivel eye, with the 
meanest 'ead of 'air as ever was, as she'd been and 
soaped and plastered back al imperatriss, as the sayin 7 
is, with a false plat stuck on, and when she come to put 



7 6 

on the wail I thought as I should have dropped. Off 
she went with her pa and the two Hopkins's gals, as 
looked very nice in pink muslins and white bonnets, 
tho' I'm sure they was well wetted a-gettin' from the 
house to the fly down the front garden, as was full of 
pools thro' the drains being flooded. 

I can tell you it took all our time for to get the 
things on the table by the time as they was back, and 
nice fig-gers they was thro' the drains a-bein' up all 
along* Church-road, as forced them to walk ever so 
far and get that draggled, and old Eyles he'd been 
and slipped rig'ht into the open shore, as didn't 
improve his clothes nor his temper, and as to young 
Wilkins he's a Albino, as the say in' is, thro' 'aving 
of pink eyes and white hair, thro' his grandfather, as 
was a seafarin' man, having married one of them 
savag-es where he was shipwrecked in a desert island, 
as has come out in the prodigy line once or twice. 

From the moment they come in the house troubles 
seem to thicken. As for old Eyles, he was the wus 
for drink aperient, and set a-staring wacant in the 
chair, a-callin' me a old charwoman with a word 
afore it as made me all of a creep. 

I didn't take no notice, for we was all of a bustle 
with the dinner, as everything was a goin' wrong, for 
the leg of pork had come home from the baker's 
regular sodden and flabby, and the taters round it 
a-looking" as pale as death, and as tho' they'd been 
drownded in their own fat. Mrs. Challin had let the 
leg o' mutton gallop like wild, and burnt up the apple 
sauce, the turnips was forgot, and jest as I was a 
meltin' a bit of butter for the caper sauce down come 
about a teacupful of soot, as regular cooked it. So 
we puts the leg of pork afore the fire to brown, and 
if a red-hot coal didn't fall into the dish as set the 
grease in a flame and burnt the joint on one side as 
black as your hat. 

Eliza was being made tidy up stairs, thro' being 



77 

that draggled with her musling g'ownd in a train as 
she drawed thro' the mud, and goin' in for to see her 
grandpa as took a hatred to young Wilkin, a callin' 
on him a white nigger. 

The old man would have them have something- to 
drink for to be all friends, as he didn't mean nothing, 
and that brought on all the mischief as sperrits will on 
an empty stomic. 

It was near two, what with one thing and the other, 
afore we got down to dinner, where we was that 
squoge up as never was, and I'm sure the stiff neck as 
I g*ot a setting by the door as was kep' on the crack 
through the heat, the winder bein' kep' shet through 
the rain a driving. 

Eyles was a-behaving like a brute, having- constant 
words with his brother-in-law, Mr. Malins, as is a 
commercial gent, and travelled all over everywhere, 
and tried to make things pleasant; and there was 
Mrs. Wilkins, as is a widder, as kep' on a cryin', 
sayin' as she couldn't help a-thinking of her own 
wedding, as I've heard say she must have a g-ood 
memory for to remember one from the other, as she'd 
had three, as I don't hold with. 

Mrs. Malins, as is own sister to Eyles, can't a-bear 
Eliza and was a-setting next me a-pinching of me, 
and making remarks in redicule of her, till I was that 
afraid Eliza 'd hear her, but law bless you, she was 
that full of herself and set a-simperin' and a-leerin' 
quite ridiculous in any one so plain. 

All my dinner was a bit of plum pie, and some 
bread and cheese, as was the only thing not sp'ilt. 
However we got the table cleared I can't think. I 
know as the grease and gravy down my back was 
showers thro' Mrs. Challin not 'aving* a steady hand, 
as I attributes to drink. And when we got the sperrits 
and water and the nuts with almonds, and raisins, 
plums, and apples, it certainly did look very nice. 



7 8 

And just as we was a thinkin' as things might come 
round comfortable in who should come but Mr. Sykes, 
'Liza's grandpa, as had crawled down stairs, tho' I do 
believe Mrs. Challin had helped him, tho' denyin' 
thro' thick and thin, for I'd hid his stick myself when 
I took him up some dinner, as he throw'd in my face 
a'most, and snapped my nose off. 

Well, we was obliged to make room for him, in 
course, and I thought as I should have died with the 
scroug-ing and the heat. 

Then they got a makin' speeches, Eyles he up and 
spoke that thick and hiccuppy as there wasn't no 
makin' out what he said. Young Winsley, as is fond 
of Matilda Hopkins, he made hisself very pleasant 
and sung a beautiful ballet as put old Sykes out, for if 
he didn't call 'im a 'owling puppy, and in my opinion 
was a little on. 

Mr. Malins he spoke very nice a-payin' of compli- 
ments to Mrs. Eyles for her trouble about the dinner, 
when if old Eyles didn't make the most awful remarks, 
a-callm of his wife them names as is scandalous, and 
attacking of Malins shameful, as brought in Mrs. 
Malins a little too sharp, for if she didn't say as him 
and his gimlet-eyed daughter was a pair, as set 'Liza 
a screamin' like mad, a-sayin' as she'd tear her aunt's 
eyes out ; and jest then old Eyles was a-lighting of his 
pipe with one of them fusees, and throw'd it careless 
on 'Liza's wail, as was all in a blaze in a instant. 

Well, one did one thing, one another, for they 
poured the hot and cold water all over her, and young 
Wilkins would have poured the sperrets, only the 
bottle w r as caught hold on. But young Hopkins, as 
didn't lose his presence of mind, tore the wail off her 
head, plat and all, and stomped on it, as put her in 
that fury a-declarin' as it was done a purpose, and 
made a hit at Mrs. Malins, and as I tried to get at 
for to separate 'em, leant all my weight on the table, 



79 

as I'd propped up in the middle leaf, with a bit of 
wood, and if it didn't give way sudden under me, and 
go right in half, and everything capsized regular. 

Every one hollared out, and you never see such a 
scene. 'Liza pretended to faint, Wilkins set a-starin' 
stupid. Eyles g*ot a punchin' Malins' head, as knocked 
him down. I felt as somebody was under me, and 
when young- Hopkins dragged me up, there was old 
Sykes a-layin' in a fit. 

Well, I do assure you it give me sich a awful turn 
that if I hadn't rushed out of the house sudden, it 
would have been my death, and every step of the way 
home I run without bonnet or shawl as is only three 
streets off, and when I got in was took with them 
'sterricks, and palpitations as made Brown say, 

" I tell you what it is, young woman, you must be 
looked arter, for you ain't fit to be trusted out alone." 

And poor Mrs. Eyles as sent me my bonnet and 
shawl, thro' Mrs. Challin, as somebody had been 
a-settin' on, she took to her bed, and when I did go to 
see her, was altered dreadful, and says, 

" Mrs. Brown, mum, bad as I am I'd go thro' it all 
again for to get rid of that 'Liza, as was the cuss of 
my life, and young- Wilkins will find her out, and 
serve 'im right too, as being- that mercery a-marryin T 
for money as the sayin' is." 




No. 13. 



'S all very well talking*, but why ever don't 
! J :hey do something- with their Orders in 
~ounsels, and Lord Mayors a-letting of 




beastly keg-meg be sold, as I say is downright dis- 
graceful for to pay eightpence-ha'penny for pieces, 
stuff as our cat would turn up her nose at, being a 
animal as is particular; but I says I know'd how it 
would be, the moment they took to bringing them 
foreign cattle in by shoals, as I never could a-bear the 
sight on, thro' living- near the places where they did 
used to be landed; I never fancied them Ostend 
rabbits as looks dreadful stretched out in death, and no 
more taste than straw 'as. There is nothing like a 
bit of wholesome meat ; tho', in my opinion, there's a 
many as eats a deal more than is good for them, let 
alone their pickles and sauces a-enticing their appetites 
as it would often do them g-ood for to go without for 
a day. I was just a saying so to Mrs. Chandlis, as I 
was a sitting with, thro' being up-stairs with her 
seventh — as fine a boy as you'd see. She says, 
u Chandlis goes on that dreadful about times being so 
bad, that it makes me quite down," and begun a 
giving way. 

I says, " Mrs. Chandlis, mum, I am now come to 
that time of life as enables me for to look back, and 
there's always been hard times, for I well remembers 



SI 

hearing* my dear mother say as she married with 
bread half-a-crown the loaf, and brought up a fine 
family, tho' only hard working- people, and me the 
youngest all but three as she buried." 

"But then," says Mrs. Chandlis, "there's the 
cholera, and the strikes, with the potato disease a- 
coming on the top of the diseased meat, is enough for 
to make anyone tremble." 

"Well," I says, "it's my opinion as we all looks 
forward too much, a-meeting trouble halfway as the 
saying* is ; the same as happened to my own aunt as 
had a crooked finger as never gave her no pain, but 
thro' not a-bearing of it being such a eye-sore, went 
into the hospital for to have it off, and died in the 
lock-jaw as set in. But," I says, " this won't do for 
me, I must be a-goin' ; but," I says, " you're a cup 
too low, you are; why don't you get a newspaper 
read to you as is that full of murders as is certainly 
that interesting." 

So she says, " Do sit a bit longer, for you talk that 
cheerful as seems to do me good, and I wants to hear 
all about poor dear Mrs. Borrit as was burnt that 
frightful thro' the clothes-horse a catching. 

"Ah," I says, "poor thing*, she's rallied wonderful, 
tho' rather throw' d back thro' the old gentleman on 
the second floor a- dying sudden, and them young 
Iveses being pretty nigh drownded, as is her own 
sister's children, a-playing the wag, as the sayin' is, 
and getting down to the river Lea ; brought home in 
blankets to her own door, and her thinking it was her 
own boys. But," I says, "you mustn't be anxious, 
for I don't suppose as your Ned is a boy to act like 
that," as I know'd he's a young scamp, and he'd been 
out all day unbeknown to his father, and see her 
change colour when I talked about them young 

IVESES. 

subject I says, " It was very sad 



82 

about poor young Williams a-goin' down with all 
hands a-perishin' on board that steamer, as is things 
I never did hold with since that time as I was in a 
shipwreck myself a-goin' to Margate one year, and 
the biler busted, and there we was stuck in the mouth 
of the river, and might a-been there till now if we 
hadn't been took a,board the opposition boat, as was 
racing, and led to the accident. Just the same as the 
cab I was in myself that time as I was a-takin' poor 
Ellen Bratt to the infirmary, as got a housemaid's 
knee thro' kneeling- on them flagstones, as I told her 
would w r ear her out, and I'm sure the fright as it 
give when the pole of that 'bus come slap thro' the 
panel and grazed over my shoulder, as would have 
been certain death a inch either way, as happened to 
Brown's own mother, as was a remarkable fine 
woman, for all the world Brown over again, tho' of 
the opposite sect. As never recovered it thro' over- 
reaching herself, and cricked her back-bone, and 
never held her head up again, as p'raps was not to 
be expected at seventy-four, though living a good 
twelve years. Ah ! poor thing, she always said as I 
should never count a grey hair, thro' being that deli- 
cate, that when my Jem was three months old every 
one said, * She's a-going fast,' and will always speak 
well for old Dr. Blubberton, as lived in the Boro', as 
did me more good than all the rest, as was after- 
wards transported. And I do say bottled porter is a 
thing for to keep the life in you, tho' I never fancied 
it for months after that time as the quaker did away 
with his own mother thro* administering it with 
prussic acid." 

I really don't think I should have stayed so late, 
but poor Mrs. Chandlis she turned faint, and ot 
course I never left her till she was better as a good 
cry seemed to bring her round, and then I says, 
"Goodnight," and must say was hurt at hearing 



83 

Chandlis say when he come in, " No wonder as she's 
ill if that old Mother Brown has been clacking away 
all the afternoon." 

So I was huffed, and off I went short, not as I 
noticed his rudeness, and was hurrying along thro' 
not a-liking them back streets, as is lonesome. 

I was a -walking- on pretty sharp and observes a 
party as seemed the wuss for drink a-head, so I crosses 
the street as were that full of puddles as I had to pick 
my way. I gets across just agin the sugar baker's 
dead wall, where there's a gas light, and come round 
the corner sharp agin a party, as says, " Hullo, ele- 
phant, where are you a-coming ?" 

I says, "Who are you a-calling a elephant ?" when 
a young woman as was with him says, " You did 
ought to be took up, a-bumping agin parties as you 
might do a injury to." 

I says, "You're a insulting hussy, that's what you 
are." She says, "Who are you calling a hussy? 
I'll let you know." 

I says, "Let me pass," for there was the intoxi- 
cated party and other characters a-crowding up, as I 
knowed was no good; so I says, "Let me pass, or 
I'll give you in charge." 

" Oh, you will, will you ; whatever for?" 

"What for?" says I, " for insulting of respectable 
parties." 

"Wherever are they?" says one. " The old lady's 
a little bit on," says another. " Where are you goin' 
a Sunday ?" 

I says, " Whatever is that to you f " I says, " Let 
me pass." 

" Come on, mother," says a hulking fellow, " I'll 
see you safe," and ketches hold of my arm, and tries 
for to draw it through his'n. 

I says, " Leave me be, you willin." I'm blest if 
some didn't begin a -pushing me from behind, and 



84 

run me along ever so far, a lot of gals and waga- 
bones a-hooting and shouting. 

"Help!" I screams, but law bless you, my voice 
was drownded, and they seemed all a-dancing round 
me, a-hollering like mad, when all on a sudden some 
one cries out, " Here's the crusher!" and they let go 
that violent as I staggered, and should have fell but 
for the policeman as caught me. He says, " Hullo, 
old lady, whatever caper is this ?" 

So I says, " Policeman," I says, " I've been treated 
shameful." Says he, " Whatever business have you 
a-larkin' about with a parcel of boys ?" 

" Me a-larkin'," I says, " whatever do you mean ? 
I was a-walking home quite respectable when those 
roughs attacked me, as it is your duty for to look 
after." He says, "I knows my duty, and don't w T ant 
none of your lip over it." 

" But," says I, " wherever is my redicule ? and if 
my pocket ain't turned inside out." "What have 
you lost ?" says he. 

"I'm sure I cant tell," says I; for if everything 
wasn't clean gone, even to my shawl. "Where do 
you live ?"' says he. 

"Close agin the Commercial-road." "Then," 
says he, "you ain't a-gcing home, for this is Poplar." 

"Why," I says, "if I ain't been and took the 
wrong turning a,-comin' out of Mrs. Ckaxdlis's, as 
lives agin Limehouse Church." "As is my own 
aunt," says he. 

"You don't say so; law, how s:ng-Jer," I says. 
" You've heard her speak of Mrs. Brown?" " Often 
and often," says he, "and well I knows your good 
gentleman, as goes every morning to the docks like 
clockwork. Well, then," he says, "I'll see you to 
a 'bus, as/' he says, "a Blackwall will put you 
down at the end of the street ; but," he says, speakin' 
serious, " I'm glad as I knows you, Mrs. Brown, for 



85 

really/' he says, "there's such lots of rough charac- 
ters about here of a night that we locks 'em up by the 
dozens, and I was a-goin' to take you off." 

" Well," I says, " I thinks it must be aperient to 
anyone as I am a lady. "Well," he says, "with 
your bonnet smashed all like that, no shawl on, and 
your things half tore off your back, there's no telling 
what you are," as was very true, and it's lucky as I 
was able to borrow sixpence on him, as he's promised 
for to drink tea next Sunday as ever is and bring his 
young lady as is daughter where Mrs. Chandlis 
lodges, as is a-making of a bed as she'll have to lay 
on, for whatever is a policeman but starvation, as 
don't get more than eighteen and sixpence clear, and 
turning night into day as the sayin' is, and looks far 
from strong thro' having been beat to death nearly 
twice, and his right eye nearly tore out thro' a-trying 
for to interfere to save a brickmaker as was stomping 
on his wife, as turned round ungrateful on him tho' 
being of her life preserver as the sayin' is. 

Glad I was to get home afore Brown, as would 
have gone on for everlasting about me being so fond 
of the streets as is a place I don't hold with, and do 
think it's a shame as there ain't more police for to 
look after them low-lived characters, as is a downright 
pest as the sayin' is, and a terror to parties attending 
a place of wuship on a Sunday evening, thro' congre- 
gations of them being all along the road as insults 
you gross, and don't hesitate for to muslest them as is 
unprotected, not as I'm afeard in daylight, but dark- 
ness is a great deceiver, as the sayin' is. 




No. 14. 



JO, I will not go, thank you, Mrs. Edwards. 
I've been twice, and the last time was when I 
31 got mixed up with them dratted teetotallers 
as is three year ago when I went for to take care of 
a lady in the name of Pedder, for I says to Mrs. 
Pedder, as was just come to live in our street, tho' 
brought up in Marlow, as is a waterin' place, did you 
ever see the Cristil Pallis ? " She says, " No, tho' 
heard speak on't scores of times, and have heard say 
as it's like fairyland." 

"Well," I says, "I can't say thro' never having 
been so far as fairyland ; but," I says, " certainly the 
Cristil Pallis is wonderful, as was built in Hyde 
Park, and moved all the way out there, as is now put 
on a high level, as Brown was a-readin' in the paper. 
Not as it wanted being put up higher, for the stairs 
was downright killin' to the legs last time as I saw it. 
But," I says, " if you've never been it's a sight as is 
worth seein', and Browns club is on Monday, and 
why not g-o, as is not expensive, and you that lonesome, 
thro' havin' married a captain as is just sailed, and 
only buried her infant two months." 

So she says, " I think it would cheer me up," and 
so it was settled, and Brown he said as I should be 
sure to make a mess on it, as is his derisive ways. 

Certainly Monday was a muggy day with rain, as 



87 

I knowed it would be, thro' seein' the stars that full 
out on Sunday night, as is always a forerunner, as the 
sayin' is. So we agreed for to meet at the corner of 
our street where the 'buses passes regular, and there 
I did wait and wait for Mrs. Pedder to nearly half- 
past eleven, when I see her a-comin' slow down the 
street as had been a-waitin' at the wrong end like a 
born idiot, as there ain't no 'buses goes that way. 

I must say as it's very convenient a-gettin' the 'bus 
from the corner, and takin' you right to the very place, 
but law the crowd at the station was tremendous, and 
a nice fight I had to get to the place where you gets 
the tickets, and the rush as there were thro' a narrow 
gate to get to the trains very nigh settled me, and 
Mrs. Pedder took faint. 

When we was got inside where the trains start 
from, bless you room there wasn't, and train after 
train went off without us. 

We was a-settin' a-doin' of a drain, as the sayin' 
is, and a good many parties stares very hard and 
pints at our bottle, and some laughs. Just then a 
empty train come in back'ards, and a young man, a 
porter, says, " Now's your time," and hurried me up 
to it, as they kep' a-hollering " keep back," and yet 
a-jumping in theirselves like mad, as at last the 
young* man give me a jerk up, and into a carriage I 
shot, and fell a-sprawlin' all on to their laps as was 
inside, a solemn-lookin' lot, and didn't offer no assist- 
ance cheerful like. 

I'm sure the way we was scrouged up in that 
carriage, and me having to stand up thro' a-giving 
Mrs. Pedder a seat, that I was that glad for to be 
arrived. 

They may talk about levellin', but I'm sure there 
was stairs enough for to mount to get into the Pallis, 
and the place looking very gloomy like, and all of a 
steam, like a heavy wash. Glad I was to get poor 



83 

Mrs. Pedder a seat anywhere, and made her take a 
little cold water with the least dash in it. 

Certainly there was crowds upon crowds, with the 
lots of children, and flags, and all manner, so I 
" I should say as it's the Foresters, or p'raps the Odd 
Fellows," thro ? parties a-wearin' scarfs and rosettes] 
in blue and pink, and all manner. 

I says, "Mrs. Pedder, mum/'' I says, "whatever 
do you think on it?" "Well," she says, "tome it's 
only a large forcln' house/' as ought to know, thro' 
her own grandfather being- a market-gardener, but 
she says, " It certainly is wonderful however they could 
have moved it, such a size !'' 

"Why," I says, "it's nothing to their a-takin' that 
cable millions of miles under the sea, as would have 
been easy done, only it snapped sudden, as I sc 
picter myself in the newspaper, as will happen even 
in a clothes line, as well I knows it." 

So when we was a little refreshed, we walks about 
and heard the orgin, as was that powerful to be dis- 
tracting-, as is played by steam, as I was a-tellin' 
Mrs. Pedder, when a boy, he says, "You're played 
by steam, why there's the man a-playinV I says, 
"You knows nothin' about it," I says; "he's only 
a-setting there a-making believe, for the look of the 
thing-." As made him burst out a-laughin' like wild. 
We got a seat at last, Mrs. Pedder and me, and was 
a-havin' of our little bit, and a-talkin' just a little with 
it, when a young man comes up and says, " Would 
you mind a-movin' ?" 

"Where to?" says I. "Anywhere," says he, 
u only you're a-settin' here in the Band of Hope, as 
is a disgraceful example." 

I says, "Young man, whatever do you mean? 
Bother your band, if it's a-goin' to play I sup- 
pose I don't stop it, not as I wants any more music 
just yet, for I likes to take my meals in peace." So 



8 9 

he says, " You're takin' fermented liquors in our very 
face." 

I says, " Nonsense ! pure spirits won't ferment, as 
is natural in home-made wines and beer, and will 
happen in jams if not enough sugar to keep it 
under." 

Just as I was a-talkin' there come up some old 
chaps with scarfs on and rosettes in their coats, dressed, 
I should say, genteel, tho' ridiculous, as says to me, 
" You had better withdraw yourself away, as is pro- 
vokin' remarks, and makin' of yourself a object in 
ridicule. So listen to reason. Isn't it a sight for to 
see two females a-takin' spiritous liquors in the middle 
of temperance societies ? " 

It did reg'lar enrage me for to be called a female 
to my face by a rubbishin' teetotaller. I'm glad as I 
took off the glass as I had in my hand, or I should 
p'raps have answered too hasty, as is my habits, tho' 
wrong. 

So I says, " I despises the whole bilin' on you too 
much for to say what I thinks on you, as is a- 
rubbishin', psalm-singin', cantin', set of 'umbugs, as 
didn't ought to be allowed wherever one goes a- 
followin' one about, as can't go nowheres free from 
you, not even the top of the Moniment, where I see 
you last." "Ah! my friend," says the old gent, 
" do not speak in wrath, as is not your nat'ral feeiin's, 
but only them stimulants." 

I says, "I shall speak as I like, and I ain't no friend 
of yours, so don't you make so free," and jumps up, 
and away I walks. I says, " I'll tell you what we'll 
do, Mrs. Pedder : there's lots of tea a-goin', we'll get 
some early." So we gets our tea, as looked strong, 
tho' not so, and was a-takin' a bit of bread and butter 
when I says, " I thinks this tea as been biled, as is a 
thing I can't take, biled tea, and you didn't ought to 
venture or., Mrs. Pedder, without a-somethin' for to 



go 

check it," and there was just enough left in the bottle, 
as would only hold three-quarterns from the first, for 
to give a flavour to the tea, when a party as was a- 
settin' there says, " How you can drink away your 
body and soul is wonderful." 

Well, it give me quite a turn to be spoke to like 
that, so I says, " Now I tells you what it is, if you 
comes here a-botherin' me any more I shall say some- 
thin' as you don't like." "Ah!" he says, "I was 
like you once, a poor faggit only fit for burning." 

Well, to be called a faggit was more thanl could 
bear. I says, " You hypercritical, tallow-faced toad ! 
Why," I says, " you're been a-drinkin' yourself, and 
can hardly stand." " Oh ! " says a party, as was 
settin' by him, " cruel words, as have both took the 
pledge agin and agin," and if she wasn't chokiir with 
hiccups. 

So the man he says, " You're fitting yourself for 
the bottomless pit, as is the drunkard's doom." 

Well, I couldn't stand that talk no more. I says, 
"You and your female is intoxicated beastly, as is 
always the ways with your sneakin' teetotal doin's — 
you ought to be ashamed of yourselves." 

Well, if the female didn't up and shy the tea as 
she was makin' believe to drink all over me. I puts 
up my umbrella for to ward it off, when if she didn't 
fly at me and try to tear off my bonnet. Poor Mrs. 
Pedder, she tried for to keep her off, but her foot 
slipped, and if she didn't fall agin me with that 
violent as to throw me back on to a whole party as 
was takin' tea behind me, as wasn't friends with them 
parties as begun the row with me, so thinkin' me to 
be one of their lot they pitched into me violent, 
a-pushin' and draggin' me over the place, and 
if I hadn't made pretty free with my umbrella, 
a-hittin' out all round, I never should have got out of 
the place, and when I did get up stairs, and looks 



9i 

round for Mrs. Pedder, I couldn't see her nowheres, 
and was that frightened, knowin' as she bein' a 
stranger would be quite lost. Of all the evenings 
ever I had it was at that place a-lookin' for Mrs. 
Pedder. I wandered all over the place, and got that 
awful tired as I thought I should a-died, and all 
as I could get was some bottled beer, as made me 
more thirsty and feel that heady, as is a heavy thing, 
and of all the rows as them teetotallers made I never 
did. 

It's my opinion as they was the worse for what 
they took, every one of them, men, women, and 
children and all, till really I was that bewildered I 
gets into a corner, and thought as I might wait quiet, 
and might see Mrs. Pedder a passin', and it was 
a-gettin 1 quite dusk, so I sets a-waitin', and couldn't 
help a-droppin' off till I wakes up with a start, for if 
there wasn't a policeman's bull's-eye full in my face, 
and him a-sayin', " You must step it pretty sharp fol- 
io catch a train," and so up I jumps and hurries on 
like mad, and left my umbrella and basket behind, 
and was that aggravated for to hear of them porter 
chaps holler out to the fellow at the door, " Hold on, 
here's another stray teetotaller," as I hadn't time to 
answer him, for I had to rush into the train, as was 
shriekin' like wild with smoke a-stiflin'. 

So I gets in, and slept that 'eavy as when we got 
to London Bridge I didn't know myself, and had to 
walk ever so far till gettin' of a 'bus, and went home 
with a heavy heart a-thinkin' wherever Mrs. Pedder 
could be got to, and knocked ever so long at her door 
till she answers in her nightcap from the bedroom 
window, 'avin' been home hours, as did aggravate 
me, for to think of her leavin' me behind like that, 
and Brown a-takin' her part, as was gone to bed 
himself, thro' it bein' past eleven o'clock when I 
knocked at my own door, as is all the fault of 



92 

them temperance 'umbugs, as I can't bear the 
name on. 

And Brown he keep on a-aggravatin' a-sayin', 
" You'll never be took for a teetotaller, except by 
perfect strangers/' as is rude remarks as I don't 
hold with. 



m 



No. 15. 




|T give me that turn when that young* man 
come in and says, "Is your name Martha 
Brown ? " and hands me the strip of paper 
that I downright staggered, and if Mrs. Challin 
hadn't give me a chair I should have fell backwards, 
as the say in' is. The young fellow he says, " It's no 
hangin' matter, but mind you attends to it; " and as 
soon as ever he were gone I says, " Mrs Challin, if I 
don't take a-somethin' I shall be took bad, for I feels 
them shivers a-comin' up my back, as is often warn- 
ings of illness." So she did step out for half-a-quartern, 
as is a thing I will never keep in the house, for it's 
gone like magic, tho' necessary when parties is liable 
to be took sudden. 

Well, as far as I could make it out, it was a paper 
from the Queen, as I says, " However can she know 
anything about me," I says, "as never troubles my 
head with nothing of the sort." So I asks young 
Edmunds, as brought in the water-rate, whatever it 
meant. "Oh," says he, " your subpoena' d." 

" What for," says I. Says he, " All along of Mr?. 
Brittles's back washus winder bein' broke into that 
Sunday evenin'" with me a-settin' in the arbour 
a-readin', as commands a full view of her premises, 
and see the parties as they was a-levantin' as the 
sayin' is. 



94 

" Wherever is it to ? " says I. " The Old Bailey," 
says he. "Well, then, I'm sure as Brown won't 
never let me go for to stand like a criminal in the 
docks." He says, " You're only a witness." 

I says, "That comes of my talkin' to that "ere 
policeman as come here a-pumpin' and a-spyin', and 
askin' that civil for to see our back g'arden, and talkin* 
that agreeable, me little a-thinkin' as he was a reg'lar 
Jesuit, as I'm told there is in every family, with a book 
wrote all about it." So when Brown come in he 
says, "That comes of your lettin' that red rag o' 
yourn run so free." " But," I says, " Brown, you won't 
never suffer it ? " " Suffer what ? " says he. 

" Why, your lawful wife to be took up like that to 
the Old Bailey, as I never should hold my head up 
again thro' shame? " "Well," says he, "there ain't 
nothin' to be ashamed on. You must go, or they'll 
put you in prison and make you pay a hundred 
pounds." 

I says, " Then they're tyrants, that's what I calls 
'em;" but he only says, "Rubbish! Mind you're 
there by ten o'clock punctual." 

So on the next Monday fortnight as ever were I had 
to go, and got Mrs. Challin to mind the house, and 
Mrs. Eyles she went with me, and of all the drizzly, 
dirty mornings as ever I was out in, it was the worst. 
I says, " Let's be there in good time, and then p'raps 
they'll let us go all the sooner/ ' So we got there as 
the clock was on the stroke of nine, and there was 
such a frightful crowd and we wasn't able to get near 
the place in the 'bus. I says to the conductor, " Is 
this the nearest as you can put us down ?" He says, 
"We ain't allowed to go no nearer; but," he says, 
"if you walks very quick you may be just in time." 
I says, "Whatever do you mean ?" and if they hadn't 
been and hung a man, as is a thing as I wouldn't see, 
not for all the world. I says, "I'd rather go to 



95 

prison or pay the hundred pounds, so back 111 go." 
Mrs. Eyles says, " Bless you, it's all over, and we'll 
take it gently. There goes nine." 

Of all the crowds I ever see it was the wust, and 
I'm sure to look at 'em you'd say as hangin was too 
good for 'em, and they came a-rushin' and a-hootin' 
that violent as me and Mrs. Eyles had to stand in a 
doorway ever so long for to let 'em pass. I says, 
I Mrs. Eyles, in my opinion them hangin 's did ought 
to be done private, as might be made more agreeable 
to all parties, and not for to collect such ragamuffins 
together, as is a reg'lar pest to theirselves and others.' 5 

It was just ten when we was got to the Old Bailey, 
as was crowded up by the most wretchedest parties, 
and it made my heart feel for some of them poor 
creeturs as was a-sheddin' tears talking to policemen, 
and seemed a-beggin' hard for to be let in, as is a 
place as I'd rather be kept out on. We waited and 
waited in them damp, dirty passages till I was quite 
chilled, when a door opens sudden, and out comes a 
woman a-screamin' like wild, and her friends a -try in' 
to hold her, but, law bless you, she fought like wild, 
and seemed ready for to tear 'em in bits, till at last 
she fell down in a fit. It gave me that awful turn as 
I says, " Mrs. Eyles, mum, I must take somethin'," and 
the policeman as was friendly to us he took us over to 
get some refreshments. So I asks him, "Whatever 
made her take on like that ?" " Oh ! " he says, " her 
Joe's got a lifer. I know'd he would." " Whatever 
for ? " " Oh ! " he says, " a heavy burglary." 

Well, just then in came a lot of parties as was that 
cheerful, and a-talkin', sayin' they was that glad as 
she'd got off. Says the policeman, " I told you she 
would ; I never see a young gal do it better." 

I asks, " What ? " " Oh ! " says he, " she was up for 
the murder of her infant, as was six months old, only 
she come the gammon that strong, a-faintin' away 



9 6 

every moment, and bein 1 good looking", the jury let 
her off." 

" Then more shame for 'em," says I. " Is that 
justice," I says, "a brazen-faced hussy as one might 
forgive a misfortune to, but for to go and imbrood 
her hands in hinnocent blood of her own child, she's 
wuss than a beast of prey. If I'd my way I'd burn 
her, a wretch."' 

"You w r ould, would you, old corpilence ? It's well 
as there ain't a law for burnin' you, or all the fat : d 
be in the fire;" and if them wulgar, low-lived 
wretches didn't roar with their laughter. 

I says, " You're a reg'lar slaughter-house lot, as 
a little hangin' wouldn't do no harm to." 

just as I was a-speakin' there was a old woman 
decided in liquor as up and shied a pint pot at me, as 
would have done for me if it hadn't missed and hit a 
party atween the blade-bones, as returned the com- 
pliment by hitting out all round. So the police had 
to interfere, and glad I was to get out of- the place, 
and Mrs. Eyles and the policeman led me into the 
courtyard, and there was a man shoutin' " Martha 
Brown " like mad. 

I says, "Here I am." "Look slippy," says the 
policeman, and they hurries me along and shoves me 
thro' a door, and there I was, reg'lar flurried and out 
of breath, afore the judge and all. Of all the smelly, 
stiflin' places ever I was in it w T as that court. How- 
ever them judges can bear them head-dresses and 
furs puzzles me, not as I'd time for to think of much, 
thro' a party shovm 1 a book in my hand and a-makin' 
me kiss it and swear to speak the truth, " as," I says, 
lk is my habits, young man." 

Well, a very nice party asked me very polite all 
about it. So I says, " My Lord," I says, " I'll tell 
you how it cum about." "Answer my questions," 
says the party. 



97 

" So I will," I says, " my lord ; but," I says, " how 
ever are you to know if I don't tell you, not as I 
bears any malice or hatred in my heart, but," I says, 
"for to rob a lone woman " 

The other judge, him as was a-settin' up above, 
says, "My good woman," a expression as didn't 
sound well in his mouth, " confine yourself to an- 
swering when you Ye spoke to." 

I says, "Yes, my lord," I says, " as it is my habits, 
for I ain't one to trouble myself with nobody's busi- 
ness, for I'm sure any one as knows me can bear 
testaments." 

"Answer the counsel directly," says another old 
judge, as had a pimply nose and spoke irritable, as I 
should say had been a-takin' somethin' in his tea, as 
he must require, a settin' stiflin' and a-stewin' in that 
place all day. 

I says, " By all means ; I'm sure I don't want to 
speak." 

No more I didn't, for with all his rigmarole 
questions he didn't get at the truth, for he kep' a-stop- 
ping me, and when I thought as he was done, and 
was a-turnin' to go, up got a young chap with a 
snappy sort of manner, and says, " Pray, Mrs. Brown, 
how old are you ?" 

I says, " I ain't ashamed to tell my age, as was 
born in the year of the allied sufferings comin' over, 
as I've often heard my dear mother say, as she stood 
on Westminster Bridge for to see 'em pass by, and 
it's a mercy as she got a hackney coach." 

So says the young chap, " Ah, I dare say, but we 
don't want to hear about that, but all we want to 
know is about your eyesight — is it as good as it used 
to be?" 

"Well," I says, "for that matter I can see as far 

as my neighbours, and that Sunday afternoon " 

He says, "What Sunday afternoon ?" I says, "As 



98 

you're a-speakin' on." He says, "I never mentioned 
the words." 

"Then," I says, "you did ought to, for it was a 

Sunday as I was a-settin' a-readin', leastways a- 
dozin', when I heard a crack like glass a-givin' way. 
So I gets on the seat, and looks over the wall jest in 
time to see a man a-gettin' in at Mrs. Brittles' back 
kitchen window, as I know'd was gone to a place of 
worship." " Well," says the young chap, "you must 
have a very long sight if you can see a man's face 
gettin' in at a window when a long way behind him." 

I says, "It is not a long way, for," I says, "it's 
only the length of Mrs. Brittles' garden." " What 
length is that ?" says .he. 

"Why," says I, "the length of a garden." 
"Well," he says, " look at the prisoner at the bar — 
is he the individual that you saw a-gettin' into the 
window ?" 

" Well," I says, " let him turn round and make be- 
lieve to be a-gettin' in at a window, and see if I don't 
swear to him?" "Can you or can you not say 
whether he is the man ?" asks the judge. 

"Well," I says, " my lord, leastways I think " 

"Don't think. Will you swear?" says the young 
chap. "You're quite enough to make any one, not 
as anything would make me give in to such a low 
habit." "You wont swear, then?" says he. "Cer- 
tainly not." 

" Stand down," says a policeman. 

I did stand down, and was glad to get out of the 
place, but was that trembly as I sunk down on a 
bench, and if they hadn't got me some refreshments I 
don't think as I ever could have left that place. 

Well, it wasn't very long afore they come out, and 
I hears a young chap say, " It's all right, he's got him 
off. Wasn't the old gal a trump." Jest then up comes 
Mrs. Brittles in a towering passion, as says to me, 



99 

" You're a base ooman, a-perjurin' yourself like that 
just to spite me, as have told me yourself as you 
could swear to that man anywheres, and then to eat 
your own words, as in my opinion you've been bought 
off, as I'll see if law can't lay hold on you." 

Well, I was that took a-back as I nearly dropped, 
and how I got home I don't know with a splittin' 
head and Brown that coldblooded, a-sayin' that it 
was all my own fault, and if I'd held my tongue I 
might have kept out of it, as was only my wantin' for 
to seem to know everythin'. 




No. 16. 



1§rs. Ir0lutt axttr \fa (&m$txax of % Jmrclj. 



h 



[" L'Empereur Napoleon, sur les temoignages 
avantageux qui ont ete rendus de la moralite de 
Mme. Brown, ainsi de la reputation distinguee qu'il 
s'est acquise dans sa profession desirant lui donner une 
marque particuliere de sa bienveillance et de sa pro- 
tection, nous a ordonne de lui accorder le titre de 
Fournisseur de l'lmpera trice. " 

We were highly gratified, as we are sure our 
readers will be, by having the above announcement 
forwarded to us : but on applying to Mrs. Brown for 
confirmation of the statement, have been favoured with 
the following reply : — ] 

JE appointed to the Emperor's household? 
I'm sure I never shall forget the turn young 
Simmons gave me when he came in with that 
paper as he'd been and copied out of a winder thro' 
being in a west-end house, tho' livin' at home with his 
mother, as steady a woman as ever trod shoe-leather, 
tho' rather took up too much with them Methodists 
for me, and a good son he is I must say, tho' fond of 
his joke, and a-seein' a deal of life as is quite different 
at the west-end, with their clubs and balls and other 
gimcracks, as must want somethin' to do bad to give 
into such things. Well, when he comes in he says, 
"Your fortune's made, Mrs. Brown, tho' I don't know 




101 

as Brown will like it," I seemed quite took a-back ; as 
the sayin' is. 

So I says, " Whatever do you mean ? " " Oh ! " 
he says, " it's all wrote out and signed reg'lar, and I 
see it in a winder myself, and here's the copy, as our 
head man has been and told me the English on." 

" I says, "Whatever are you a-jaggerin' about ? " 
"Oh," he says, "he's been and made you his four- 
nisseur." 

"His what?" says I. "Why, his fournisseur," 
says he, " as is printed plain." 

" What are you a-runnin' on at ?" I says. "Who's 
been and dared for to tamper with my name?" He 
says, " The Emperor Napoleon." 

" Who ?" says I. " The Emperor," says he. 

"Charles Simmons," says I, "whatever do you 
mean ?" "Why," he says, " there you are a-figgerin' 
in a window of a bonnet shop in Bond-street as the 
Emperor's fournisseur." 

You might a-knocked me backwards ; as it was I 
dropped in a chair like any one took silly, and if it 
hadn't been as the bottle was on the table, as Mrs. 
Challin had brought in, as not hardly knowin' what 
I did I put to my lips, I do think as convulsions would 
have set in. When I got on my glasses and looked 
at the paper, it wasn't nothing but a lot of French 
gibberish. So I says, "Charley," I says, "whatever 
does it mean?" "Why," he says, "our head man 
has made it out for to mean as the Emperor, havin' 
heard speak of the morality of Mrs. Brown, and 
a-wishin' for to give her a mark of his esteem, and 
desiring for to take her under his protection, has 
ordered her to be made his fournisseur." 

"But," I says, "whatever is a fournisseur ?" He 
says, "As our head man didn't know; but it was 
something like the Empress herself." 

I says, " I never did. What insults to be sure, the 



102 

willin ! I've heard tell of his morality, and a nice 
one he is. Take me under his protection, indeed ! 
I never did ! I thought as he stared very hard at 
me that time as he very near run over me thro' 
comin' between his pheaton and a omnibus, not as I 
think much on him nor the Empress neither. Why, 
they wasn't much better than myself a few years ago, 
for I've heard them say as saw it that the mob broke 
into the Pallis, and throwed the Royal family and all 
the furniture out of the window in heaps in the court- 
yard, and the destruction was awful. It's lucky as they 
didn't cut their heads off as they did the ones afore 
them, as it's disgraceful to hear about, and whatever 
them police and soldiers could be a-doin' to stand by 
and allow such goin's on, as never is at their posts 
when they should be. So it ain't a place as ever I 
should care to be in permanent, as you never know I 
when you go to bed to-night if you mayn't get up 
with a riverlution a-runnin' thro' the streets in the 
mornin' ; as I'm told they barricadoed^ even to the 
busses, as must be easy done w T hen you see how three 
will block up the way ; and innocent parties g-oin' out 
on a errand, and never come home thro' bein' shot 
down like dogs, him a-givin' the order, as the poor 
old lady, as is a consurgery close by, where we was 
a-stoppin', had a son, as fine a young man as was in 
the Blues, and found his body a-welterin' in the sun, 
as the say in' is, and never been right in her mind 
since, and when hearin' of a drum will scream, and 
the only thing as pacifies her is hot charcoal to the 
feet and knittin' -needles, as distracts the mind, as it 
will be sure to come home to him, a ugly wretch to 
look at, tho 5 it was as much as ever I could do for to 
keep Brown under for abuse agin the lot, as he says 
one is as bad as the other of them as has power, as 
may be true, not as ever I'll believe as the Lord 
Mayor, as I've seen myself a-settin' in his chains, 



103 

would ever order and one to fire down Cheapside on 
unoffendin' passers-by, for whoever would be safe ; 
but them foreign parts don't seem safe to me, for the 
people's got such squallin' ways, and up in a moment 
over a game of cards. But certainly to iron and get 
up fine things the}' are wonderful, not as I'm bad 
myself, but somehow the things smells stifley thro' 
the charcoal, as is a thing as would soon finish me, 
as it did them two young' couple as lived near where 
we was, as picked up a livin' with a harp and wiolin 
a-singin' at them coffees ; and bitter weather it was 
when they did it, and she a-shiverin' with hardly 
a shoe to her foot, and a wretched old gown with no 
bonnet on, as made my heart bleed a-seein' them 
pass by, and would have g'ive 'em a cup of soup with 
pleasure, tho' not a-knowin' the language, and didn't 
like to stop 'em, and that poor girl, Brown's niece, as 
bad as she could be, I was forced to stop and nurse, 
and when I heard say as them poor creatures had 
been and stifled theirselves thro' a-stoppin' every 
crevice with burnin' charcoal, I thought I should have 
dropped, as must have been drove to desperation 
thro' hunger bein' a sharp thorn, and if ever I see a 
angel it was that young gal with the large floppety 
white bonnet on her head, as come and took the little 
child as they left down along with the porter, thro' 
not havin' the heart to stifle it, and no wonder, for it 
was a beauty, and when that Sir de Charity, as they 
calls her, come for it, if she wasn't English." 

So I says, "My dear, whatever are you a-doin' 
here away from your friends in this outlandish place?" 
But she says " As she was as happy as the day was 
long." And so she looked ; but I couldn't help havin' 
a good cry for to think of her ; but, law bless you, I'm 
told that them sirs is everywhere a-nussin' in the hos- 
pitals and on the battle-fields, and gets nothin' for it 
but the blessings, as they well deserves. 



104 

But them French is so singler in their ways, for 
they're up to every game as you can think on, but, 
bless you, as sharp as needles, as I soon found out, 
and certainly very polite, tho' I have heerd say as a 
good deal of that is gone. out along with the men a- 
kissin' and a-huggin' whenever they met. 

But certainly the soldiers is wonderful all over the 
place, and some of them heathen Turks as wild as 
alligators, not as ever I felt at all afraid on 'em, for 
they seemed uncommon cheerful, tho' given to be 
boisterous ; but as to their doin's it's wonderful, a- 
goin' anywheres and everywheres just as that Em- 
peror orders, only I shouldn't advise 'em to come 
any of their nonsense in London, as is easy reached 
by train, for I'm sure we shouldn't like their ways, 
as considers our own soldiers a downright nuisance, 
as they always was when I lived near them barracks 
in the Regency Park, where the fights was a downright 
disgrace of a Sunday night, as I've seen myself strip- 
ped to the skins, and all run away like mad from a 
single policeman, not as them French seemed to 
quarrel much, as is fond of their dancin' and rubbish 
of a Sunday evenin', as I says it's better anyhow than 
fightin' and stabbin' with them baggynets, as 'appened 
in a public-house in Kentish Town, thro' the young 
gal a-refusin' to draw them any more beer, and was 
disarmed in consequence, as is very proper in my 
opinion. 

But all I've got to say is that if the Emperor have 
been and put me down on his household, it must be 
thro' that Mr. Scratchley's rubbish a-goin' on about 
me, as I should say there must be a law agin, or who- 
ever can be safe in their beds ; not as evef I wanted 
him for to make me that notorious, and if Brown had 
been half a man he'd a stopped him long ago. 
But if they think as ever they'll get me to turn French I 
they're mistaken, for, law bless you, I can't speak a 



105 

word on it, as is the most tongue-tryingest rubbish, 
what I calls a reg'lar jargon, as the sayin' is, and 
swear in it frightful, as they do, tho' not much harm, 
as there ain't no meanin' in it. 

So when I was got home I says to Brown that very 
night, I says, " If they was to crown me to-morrow, I 
wouldn't go and live there. Why," I says, "they 
haven't got such a feather-bed as this not in all Paris, 
and tho' I must own as them mattrasses is very com- 
fortable, nothin' suits my bones like a feather-bed, as 
I've been a-layin' on this forty year, as was my dear 
mother's, and has had two new ticks with the feathers 
baked and added to ; and if there is a thing as brings 
me round it's a pint of fresh-drawed porter, as I owes 
my life to, and a good bit of wholesome meat is 
worth all their messes ; and I'm sure the dish-wash as 
they calls soup is wonderful to think on, and they 
ain't no figures to speak on with complexions like 
w T ashed-out calico. So," I says, * give me Old Eng- 
land arter all; for," I says, "you may go further 
and fare worse, as the sayin' is." But, bless you, 
Brown was a-snorin', and so a-feelin' thankful as I 
was in my own bed agin safe and sound, I soon dropt 
off. 





No. 17. 



] ELL, then, in my opinion he don't know 
nothin' about it, and didn't ought to write - 
such rubbish. However should he, as is only 
a stonemason, or something- like that, leastways a 
architect, as is the same thing as a builder, as I heard 
Brown say when he was a-readin' to me last Sunday 
evenin'. 

I says, " What rubbish," I says, " a-talkin' about 
slaves as did used to be all black, and I'm sure I 
never should fancy my meals cooked by niggers, thro' 
seein' one of 'em once make a curry with his own 
hands, a-squeezing of it about, as is always un- 
pleasant even when washed constant, as any one as 
is black would no doubt consider waste of time, as 
is the reason as I don't hold with black stocking's, as 
never was allowed in service when I first went out, as 
my dear mother used to say, ' Dress respectable and 
not over your station,' words I always kep' in mind 
when a-layin' out my quarter wages, when things 
wasn't what they are now for price, and have give 
tenpence and a shillin' a yard for a cotton dress, as 
always looked well and washed to the last, with my 
cap a-coverin' my hair well for to keep out the dust 
when sweepin', and my sleeves tucked up and a 
apron as tied round me ; but, law bless you, now-a- 
days there they are with a bit of a fancy rag- stuck 
at the back of their heads, and a nice mess they 



gets into a-shakin' a bit of bed-side carpet even, 
and their crinolines, as shows disgraceful when 
a-cleanin' of door-steps, and on a Sunday they're a 
sight." 

It was only last week as Jane Challin come home 
to see her mother, as is out in place somewhere west- 
wards, and never did I see such foolishness — a bonnet 
as looked that bold, with a red rose stuck in the 
middle, and a fancy shawl, with a dress as is made 
for to look like silk, bein' nothin' but cotton and 
worsted. 

So I says, "Jane," I says, "it's all very well for 
to spend every farthin' on your back, a coverin' it 
with rubbish, but you might buy useful things, and 
have a trifle to spare for your mother, as has a hard 
struggle with seven." 

She says, " My young gentleman likes me to look 
like a lady when we walks out on a Sunday." 

"Oh," I says, "indeed! then it's a pity if he's a 
gentleman as he lets you keep in place. Why don't 
he marry you off-hand ?" 

She says, " He will as soon as he gets a pound a 
week, as he only haves eighteen shillin's now." 

I says, "Pray, whatever is he ?" 

She says, " He's in the haberdashery business." 

" Well, then," I says, " whatever do you mean by 
ladies and gentlemen, as is your betters, as you are 
only a-apin' ;" for, bless you, that young man he 
comes out in his patent leather boots, as makes a 
ugly foot look bad in my opinion, and he's got his 
fine ties and light gloves, as I suppose he gets for 
nothin', with a flower in his coat, and a beastly bad 
cigar a-smokin' constant. Them cheap clothes 
never looks well beyond a Sunday or two, and there 
they are a couple of fools as will marry to misery on 
a pound a week, and come to pawnin' the very bed 
from under 'em. 



io8 

I says, "Jane, if he's a shopman and you're a 
general servant (as is the word, for, bless you, she 
was up in a moment because I said maid-of-all-work) 
why don't you save all as you can?" for she's got a 
good place, as I considers eight pounds a year with 
everything found her, and only a widder lady to wait 
upon ; but not she, the more she gets the more she'll 
spend; as certainly I do pity them poor lodgin'-house 
gals, as gets p'raps four pounds and a turn-up bed 
in the washus, thro' all the family cccupyin' the 
kitchens, as was nine in all, and let the whole house 
out, and what that gal had to do isn't for to be 
reckoned up till she was took with fits, and died in 
the workhouse infirmary, as was all brought on by 
bad livin'. 

But as to Mr. Ragskin, or whatever is his name, 
he must be a downright idjot, not to say a brute, for 
w r herever is the use of talking about beatin' of a ser- 
vant gal, as he'll find the law don't allow, so he'd 
better not try it on like the master of the workhouse, 
as was properly punished, tho' I must say as them 
creatures in the workhouse is a bad lot, and what 
aggravates me is to think of the downright wicked- 
ness of putting a lot of young gals in the same place 
as the vilest wretches as disgraces the streets, and the 
langwidge that awful, as a young Irish gal I once 
had told me as she'd rather lay down and die than 
go back, as was a good gal, but simple like. No 
more she didn't, but went out as a emigrant in a 
family. 

And as to havin' of servants for ladies to treat 
'em like sisters. Oh, indeed! I suppose drink tea 
and play the pianer together. Why Mr. Ragskin 
must have been a-drinkin'. 

I dare say, indeed, and whatever is the lady's hus- 
band to do? He couldn't set by and see Mary Ann 
put on coals, or go to open the door. It's my opinion 



t09 

that there' 5 some folks as is always a-writin' and 
a-talkin' about what don't concern 'em. 

You can easy tell as Mr. Ragskin don't know 
nothin' about servants, and I'm sure he can't have 
talked it over with no lady as keeps a house ; but 
law, we all know that them old bachelors don't know 
nothin' as lives in chambers. Not as I'm one for 
keepin' servants down, and well I remembers my own 
missus who was a good mother and wife, and kept 
house like a angel, she always spoke proper, but 
wouldn't have no rubbish, and tho' when alone she'd 
say so me, " Martha, bring your work and set with 
me," I always knowed my place, and would read 
beautiful to me, and never would allow no followers 
nor Sunday evenin' church, nor none of that, but 
would say, "If you wants to go out on Sunday 
evenin' say so honest ; " but church was never no 
excuse for her, as is the greatest rubbish, as I've 
heard lots of servant gals say as one went in for to 
hear the text and told the rest, as was a family where 
the master always asked 'em solemn of a Sunday 
evenin' what discourses they heard, as had better have 
minded his own business and set a good example. 
Not as I mean to say a word agin discourses, as is 
proper, nor goin' to a place of worship, only it's a 
pity for to look too close into them matters, as is 
people's own concerns, and only causes hypocrisy and 
lies, as the sayin is. 

I've lived as servant seven years in one place and 
three in another, as Brown married me from, and 
always respected thro' a-respectin' my betters, and as 
I've heard my dear missus say often and often when 
Fd go to see her, "Martha Brown, depend on it, good 
servants makes good places, for people ain't such 
fools as to part with what suits 'em ; but now, bless 
you, there's such servants as you can't keep pace 
with, for," says she, "I went to call on my friend, 
Mrs. Wenables, the other day, and says to the house- 



no 



maid 'Is your missus at home?' < I'll see,' says the 
jSVlL Wexables is.' Isays, <AuVt you her 
Servant then ? ' as made her look foolish. 

But it's all the ruin of the servants that cheap rub- 
bish of dress and too much readin, as is all very 
ri'ht Sits way; but a parcel of idle young hussies 
out wkh children in them perambulators a-lettm of 
their heads hang over enough to bring on fits and a- 
runnin' into you with that front whee 1_ thro A em 
a-readin' as they goes along, and of al ^ a bu se as 
ever you heard that young gal gave me till the 
Sfceman come up, as pretty soon made her ^change 
her tune, as mudded the front of my gown shameful 
andTs a mercy as I didn't pitch for'ard on to them 
habbi°s as it might have been the death on. 
b And i'm sure°the letters as they're a-wnt,n wjh 
thework neglected, would drive me mad, as was done 
at Mr Bulby's, as lived in the Grove, and three 
o'clock and not a bed made nor a dish washed of last 
nigSs ipper, thro' Mrs. Bui** goih out • ^edg, 
and a-askin' me to step round, as f° un , d *f S^ 6 " 
o-rocer there with my own eyes a talkin to that gaL 
and nicely put out she was thro' me a-ordenn the tea 
to teready acnn Mrs. Bulby come in, as don't aflow 

boxes searched, and things took out as w the fanuly s 
a-cryin' bitter for shame, as did ought to have been 
n P rsecuted only for the trouble, and the tault is as 
noT on 'em am't brought up for servant, as hey 
considers degradin', as the sayin is, but likes slop 
Sk as gives 'em their Sundays tree, as seems to me 
to be dl turned upside-down in their notions .andean 
hnJI » Potato and nice wives for a pool man, as is 
Sol: to tht public-house and that's the end o most 

of 'Pin as is ways I don't hold with, bo it MR. 

tJZ wants to Low about se rvants 1 [can toU h,m 

p'raps as much as any one, not as I d say a word to 

them, as is a deal too saucy for me. 



No. 1 8. 

Its. Imto on ^muhtpxx^ 




||LL Fve got to say, then, is rubbish, and them 
should be words to my dying day to any one 
as said such things as is beyond reason and 
above patience, as the sayin' is. 

Whatever is £200 a-year ? Reckon it up and see 
if you can make much more of it than not quite four 
pounds a week with Income-tax took off, as I knowed 
was done when Miss Wenables married Mr. Hoskins, 
as had that income, being a inland revenue, as is 
never overpaid, thro' a cousin of mine, as was in one 
of their cutters, as was drove into bein' one hisself 
thro' debt, and sailed for America sudden on a Tues- 
day without no more than he stood up in, not even to 
a change of linen, as must have been unpleasant 
stifled up in a ship for months together. 

Yes, it's easy for to say, " Take the book and read 
it," as of course I will when I come to be tied up for 
the afternoon, tho' I can't think wherever I've put my 
glasses, as don't suit me at all, as must be too power- 
ful I should say, for Fve no sooner got them on than 
I feels that they're a-drawin' me to sleep. 

But don't it stand to reason as no one can keep a 
house like ladies and gentlemen on four pounds a 
week. Why, we spends just on three in our little 
way, a-payin' money down for everything. 

You come to have a butcher or a baker's bill, as 



112 

them is forced into as gets the money by the quarter, 
and then see how a sovereign goes, like butter afore 
the sun. 

Why, I nussed poor Mrs. Hoskins twice myself, as 
had a hundred a year of her own extra, and never 
could make both ends meet was it ever so, with a 
little family a-comin' on, and often and often she's 
said to me as it was a reg'lar struggle, and as nice 
a gentleman, fond of his home, tho' not a-takin' to the 
infant kind at night, a -savin' if his rest was broke he 
hadn't no head for work in the mornin', as would set 
up ever so late for try and eke out a livin', as the 
say in* is. 

I'm sure the way they was plundered in them 
tradesmen's books was downright shameful, and 
never out of debt, tho' the rent was only £40, but 
throw in rates and taxes it's twelve pounds more, to 
say nothin' of gas. Then a general servant, and a 
gal as I don't hold to be no savin', for they eats more 
than a grown woman and wastes more than they 
eats, with no ideas of doin' nothin', and as full of 
their impudence as you please, and no getting 'em 
out of their beds. 

A good, respectable, honest servant will stand you 
in thirty pounds a year at the least, and if you once 
gives in to a charwoman, it's downright ruin, what 
with half a day here and a mornin' there, as is sure 
to drop in at meal times, to say nothin' of odds and 
ends as they collars natural. 

I knows as a butcher's and baker s bills soon 
mounts up to thirty shillin's in ever so small a way, 
and add in your grocery and butterman, with not a 
vegetable but potatoes, and see where three pounds 
a week will be for bills ; then add in your coals and 
beer, as I hold to be waste in a house, for they send 
the casks a third full of muck and rubbish, as will 
turn sour at the least thing, and wasted dreadful tho' 



H3 

kept under lock and tilted regular, yet left a-drippin' 
all night, as runs away with a quart or two before 
you can turn round in the mornin', and what's the 
end ? Why, of course, debt and difficulties, as I 
often used to say, " Mrs. Hoskins, mum, that grease- 
pot is a reg'lar eatin' into you," for the things I've 
seen as has found their way there, and as to a tub for 
pig-wash, I'd as soon have the bottomless pit in the 
house, as will swallow up everything. 

It is heart-breakin' for to see parties a-strugglin' on 
a-tryin' to be ladies and gentlemen, as is so in their 
places, but not havin' got the money is a-pinchin' 
theirselves with care in every line, and regular old 
afore they're young, and not a-makin' no show 
neither. 

I'm sure that time as Mrs. Hoskins asked me for 
to stop with the baby, as she went for to dine with his 
head, as she called him, and was consequent obliged 
to go, and wore her wedding dress, as she had 
trimmed with black velvet and black lace square over 
her shoulders, thro' bein' in mournin' out of compli- 
ment like, as the sayin' is, tho' it's a compliment as I 
don't want no one to pay me in a hurry. In my 
opinion that white silk would never have bore the 
light but for the black trimmin , ) and really a-grudgin' 
the cab fare, as were heavy, thro' its bein' all the 
way to Bayswater, and them a-livin' off the Bow-road, 
and as she says, " Whatever pleasure is it ?" as was 
back by eleven, and might have heard her infant at 
Mile-end Gate, as nothin' wouldn't pacify after half- 
past nine, tho' I'm sure them tops and bottoms was 
like jelly with carraways for to comfort him. 

I'll tell you how you can live on £200 a year. Start 
out of debt, with something in hand for to be able to 
keep so, and the best things is unfurnished apartments, 
where you knows the end on it, for I'm sure get into 
a house and it never does end. First one thing and 



114 

then another, your hand's never out of your pocket, 
and as to a garden except for to dry the clothes it's 
downright ruin. 

I'm sure to live in a house and have people a-comin' 
for money would be my death, as I've seed that young 
Mrs. Hoskins turn pale at a single knock, and often 
not the price of the manglin' by her, as was a good 
industrious creature, and the way she'd set and cut up 
her things for them two eldest, as hardly went over 
the door after that time as the gal shoved the peram- 
bulator into the canal, and nearly drownded the lot. 

It's all very fine to go and write a lot about what 
people ought to do, but let them as writes try it, and 
they'll soon see. .Why, meat alone is ruination, and 
the doctor a-orderin' strong beef tea for the little girl 
as is in irons, thro' bein' put down too soon. 

I'm sure I often used to wonder how that young 
man could bear up as he did, a-takin' a bit of lunch 
with him and nothin' but that table beer, and wouldn't 
have a drop of sperrits in the house beyond a bottle 
of brandy, as I would not keep in the place without 
a well knowin' what it is in illness, as has brought 
the life back to many as doctors have give over. 

Brown, you needn't say, " Read the book and see 
what it says," for I don't mean to. Dont I know 
them parties in the name of Williams, as lived in the 
small house in Springfield-terrace, where there was 
lion's heads a-grinnin' and a glass street-door, as I 
don't hold with, thro' not bein' that private as I likes, 
and bein' ketched a-goin' up-stairs, as I was myself 
not fit to be seen. 

Why, that young man had £400 a year, and began 
quite grand ; for I'm sure the electrified plate must 
have cost a little fortune, and only sold like rubbish, 
as I always says silver's quite good enough for me 
like my teapot, as I wouldn't have electrified was it 
ever so. 



us 

"I'm sure her pianer with yellow silk let in, as 
looked elegant, with the drawin'-room, as was all lace 
curtains and artificial flowers, with two lookin' -glasses 
and wax flowers, and that cheap furniture, as I never 
did hold with, all shiny thro' warnish, but no strength 
in it, as I'm sure that sofy as give way with me the 
very first time as I called for to see her, as says, 
" Take a settin'," polite like. So I drops on to the sofy, 
as was lower than might be expected, and the crash 
as that leg give way with a-throwin' me back with 
the crown of my bonnet thro' a pane of glass, as 
might 'ave been my death, for I don't hold with 
a-settin' agin a winder, and her a-sayin' quite cool as 
it had give way the night afore thro' her good gentle- 
man a-bein' tired and a-throwin' hisself on it, as is all 
outside show, and her dressed out a-receivin' of her 
company, and two bridesmaids a-settin' and a-waitin' 
all day, and only three old scarecrows come in a fly 
after all, with a silver cake basket and a waiter to 
match, for handing of the cake and wine, and not able 
to do a hand's turn thro' bein' quite the lady, and her 
father only in the ready-made line after all, and I'm 
sure the trouble as I had a-goin' night and rriornin' 
for six weeks to dress and undress that infant, as she 
couldn't hold, let alone nurse, and said as she didn't 
care for children, as put my blood up. 

I says, " Then, in my opinion, you ought to have 
kept single," and always a-whinin' and a-frettin' and 
a-makin ? him that savage as he'd rush out of the 
house, as took to the bettin'-ring, and then it was all 
over, as might have been a steady man with a happy 
home, as I see broke up with my own eyes, and buried 
the infant the same week, as was as well, not as she 
felt nothin', but how to save her pianer. 

" I says, " Why you never touches it," as was no 
great player I've heard say, and as to her singin', 
why give me shrieks, as mean somethin', not that up- 
roar, as w r asn't music neither. 



n6 

If parties is honest, and a-goin' to pay their way, 
let 'em beg-in quiet, for it's easy to launch out, as the 
sayin' is; but as to livin' with a family on £200 a 
year, it can only be done decent, as I've said, except 
old maids and widders, and they may write books till 
they're blind. At the price things is now it's only 
mechanics' wages, as I've knowed a gasfitter myself 
as earned it. Not as I means to say as there ain't 
a many as is bad managers, and that extravagant as 
would spend a fortune on their backs alone, as isn't 
my ways. 

So don't you come home a-expectin' to cut a dash 
on four pounds a week, Mr. Brown, and I wish as 
them as has been a pisonin' your mind and a fillin' 
up your head with such rubbish had to keep you on 
it with every delicacy, as I'm quite satisfied, and 
thankful for what I gets, as is clean and wholesome, 
and none of your rubbish for me. 




No. 19. 




I'M sure I don't know what the world is a- 
comin' to, that I don't, for the way as parties 
goes on is awdacious as I never did. Why, 
you ain't safe in your own house, as Brown says is a 
Englishman's castle, not as I'd wish to have one for 
to live in myself, thro' knowin' what they is, as I've 
seen with my own eyes, where my own aunt lived and 
died, as the sayin' is, bein' a place called Rochester, 
as you did use to get at easy by the boat to Gravesend, 
and a 'bus as runned reg'lar. 

Of all the ruinated old places, with no roof on and 
holes all round you, with a wind enough to turn a 
mill, and I should say as they must have been strong 
constitutions in them days, and must be fond of air, 
and not mindin' the cold thro' a-wearin iron plates all 
over 'em didn't feel it, as must have been uneasy for 
to sleep in I should say, not to say a-pressin' hard on 
the body, as I never could bear even a steel busk 
myself, and do not hold with them restraints, as must 
be hurtful. 

But I was a-settin' noddin' a bit, thro' its being 
duskish arter tea, and not a-carin' for to light a candle 
too soon, when I hears a sharp crack as woke me up 
sudden ; but I says, " P'raps it was fancy," and didn't 
take no more notice, and it wasn't till the next day as 
I was a-standin' at the winder, and see a party a-keep 



n8 

a-touchin' of his cap and a-pointin'. Sothinkin' as he 
were p'raps took silly, I didn't make no remarks 
till he rung- the bell. 

I says to the gal as answered it, and was a talkin' 
to him at the gate, "Whatever is it?" She says., 
" He wants to know if he shall mend you." 

"Mend me!" I says; "he's a maniac." "Yes," 
she says, " he is, for he don't speak no English pro- 
per," as proved to be a foreigner. 

So I says, "Whatever is it, mounseer?" thro' 
knowin' how they likes to be talked to ; but he jab- 
ber'd away as sounded Jewish to me, and kep' a- 
pointin' to the parlour window, and if there wasn't a 
pane starred all over, as must have been the crack 
as I heard over night, and them Harker boys, the 
plague of the place, a-throwin' stones all about, as is 
highly dangerous, and cost their own mother a front 
tooth comin' sudden round the corner. 

Sol says, "Whatever will you do it for?" He 
says, " One shillin', sixpence," as the gal heard him. 

So I says, " That ain't dear," to myself, " as will 
be half-a-crown if I sends to the glazier." So I says, 
" I'm agreeable," but of all the knockin' and crashin' 
as he made I never did, and cracked two in doin' it, 
as he says he'd do a-making signs like. 

When it was done if he didn't say as he would have 
five shiilin's, a-holdin' up his fingers for the money. 

I says, " Go along with your rubbish, I won't pay 
you." He says, "You pay me, you pay me," a- 
keepin' on a-hollarin' at me. 

So I says, " Liza, you open the front door wide," 
and I ups with the tongs, as was handiest, and says, 
"Now you go peaceable and quiet, or things may be 
unpleasant," and puts the eighteenpence on the table, 
as he collared precious quick, but says, " More I vill 
7 ave." 

"Will you," says I, "now go." Well, he kep' a- 



H9 

backin' and a-backin', me a-follarin liim up with the 
tongs as he seemed for to shrink from like, but when 
he gets to the door-mat there he stops, and wouldn't 
let the gal shut the door thro' puttin' in his foot, as 
was my orders. 

" I says, " Get out, will yer." "No," he says, "my 
money, my money." 

So 3* gives a plunge at him with the tongs, as I 
didn't think as would have reached him, but ketched 
him in the side, nothin' for to signify, as wouldn't have 
knocked a fly off, as the say in' is, when if he didn't 
scream out and falls backards, down them three front 
steps of ours, as I shouldn't so much have cared 
about the fellow a-fallin' backard on if it hadn't been 
as that good soul, Mrs. Yardley, were a-comin' up 
that very minute, as is a lusty figger, and not as 
active as she used to be thro' lumbago, as has 
crippled her these two years, and if they didn't go 
and roll down both together to the gate. 

I never did have such a fright in my life, for I heard 
poor Mrs. § Yardley give a sort of a somethin' between 
a groan and a hollar, as was the breath a-bein' 
knocked out on her, and the glass as he was a-carryin' 
under his arm a-crushin' and shiverin' all over, and all 
as ever me and Liza could do wouldn't get the fellow 
up, as pretended to be stunned, and groaned frightful. 

Well, what to do I couldn't tell, and if it hadn't 
been for the butcher boy as come up, and a milkwoman, 
as is natural strong thro' carryin' them pails, as 
braces up the figger, I don't think as we ever should 
have got that wagabond for to move, as had got his 
back agin poor Mrs. Yardley's chest till she was 
black in the face. 

Of all the cussin' as ever I heard that willin give 
into, a-sayin as I had killed him with broken glass 
worth a sovereign scattered all over the place ; but 
law, I didn't pay no attentions to him thro' a-gettirf 



120 

Mrs. Yardley into the parlour, as had come to spend 
the day, with the crown of her bonnet stove in, and 
her new gownd all gravel walk and putty, to say 
nothin' of the broken glass as had worked in. 

It's a mercy as she wasn't killed, and, in fact, when 
I see her a-settirf takin' her dinner comfortable, as she 
did in about an hour's time, I was thankful, bein' a 
heavy figure for to fall, as must weigh mJfcy tons if 
she's a ounce. 

But as to that wagabond as I'd have had the law 
on ; but, bless you, there's never a policeman about if 
you was to scream your life out ; he swore awful as 
he'd have me up. I says, " Do your wust, this is my 
house, and Brown is my name," as I wouldn't deny 
was it ever so. 

But, law, the fellow kep' ona-talkin' and a-groanin', 
a-rubbin' of his side, that at last I give him the five 
shillin's for to go in peace and quietness, thro' 
a-wantin' for to go in and see to the dinner, as were 
a roast fowl with a nice bit of pickled pork, some nice 
French beans, and a damson tart, as that gal was no 
more capable of lookin' arter than flyin\ 

I certainly was savage when I see that fellow as 
soon as he'd got the money run down the place and 
turn round for to put his fingers to his nose, as the 
gal told me, as met him with fetchin' the tart, as he 
called me a old cow, and that most of his glass was 
fragments a-ready made tor the purpose. 

When Brovtr come in he only laughs and calls me 
Old Greenhorns, as said it is one of the oldest tricks 
out with them glazier chaps, as goes and breaks the 
winders with their ovrn hands over night reg'lar, as 
ain't glaziers at all. 

But glad I was to see it come home to him, for it 
was only last Sunday as Brown read it out to me 
from the papers, as the same wagabond, no doubt, 
had been a-tryin 7 it on with a party up in Finsbury, 



121 

as is a monk thro' bein' close to the Catholic chapel, 
as has a many on them about, and if that monk and 
his good lady didn't up and kick him out of the house, 
as I was glad on, and only hopes as it ma.y be a 
warnin' to him, as is sure to come to a bad end. 

A audacious falsehood as he is, tho' a light cha- 
racter he must be, for Mrs. Yardley hadn't as much 
as a bruise, tho' there's no tellin' what a shock may do 
a-takin' of you sudden in comin' up steps, as is a 
thing- I never could a-bear thro' bein' frightful dan- 
gerous in a frost, as well I knows to my cost thro' 
once a rollin' from the top to the bottom of twelve 
one New Year's Day evenin', the list on my shoes 
and cinders throw'd down on ; but I am glad as the 
magistracy wouldn't give that fellow no satisfaction, 
and said as the monk was perfect right in kickin' him 
out as I wish I'd a done, a reg'lar bad lot as put in 
the glass shameful, and as green as grass with a 
seam in it, as makes everythin' look crooked outside. 
But law, if it ain't one thing it's another, and really 
there's no tellin' a thief from an honest man now-a- 
days, as is a thing as I don't hold with. 




S&ftSt 



No. 20. 



*»♦ iratot at Utepk 




| OU may well say I must be glad to be home 
again. Frn sure I never should have come 
down only Brown worreted so, and said as 
the sea air 'd freshen me up a bit, as is good for every 
one; not as I wanted it, for home is my natural 
elephant as I likes to stop in. 

But we come by the boat all reg'lar from Black- 
wall pier, as is a noble sight them docks, as puzzles 
me, for however they gets them wessels in is a wonder, 
and as to getting them out I should say it must be 
done piecemeal, as the sayin' is. And lovely weather, 
tho' the sun was sweltry, and looked to me as if it 
was a-drawin' up rain, as is its nature, and I must say 
as k were very agreeably, and met a many parties, 
as made theirselves that pleasant till overtook by the 
waves, as gives a dreadful qualm. 

just about the Nore is where you first feels it, not 
as I suffered anything to speak on, as I owes to takin' 
nothin but a few sandwiches and a little cold without, 
constant ; but them parties as dined hearty on sucking 
pig, and biled mutton with caper's sauce, and damson 
pie, was upset dreadful, which bottle porter will do, 
as it stands to reason must set everything of a work 
thro' bein' a constant fomentation itself. 

Certainly that oshun wave is wonderful a-dashin' 
up like soap-suds as I stood and watched myself that 



123 

very evenin' as we arrived in the moonlight, as was 
crowded to suffocation, and if Mrs. Yardley hadn't 
got us a bed we might have been reduced to bathing- 
machines, not as I can say much for the bed, as were 
a tent, and rickety with the sackin' a givin' way as 
soon as I was in, and Brown forced for to draw it up 
afore ever we could get a night's rest; but I was 
thankful as it wasn't no wuss, for I've had bed-fellows 
as wouldn't let me rest, as I do think would find me 
out anywheres, as is my horrors of them lodgin's, for 
you'll never make me believe as they're not to be got 
rid on thro' strict cleanliness, as is not to be looked 
for in a sea-side lodgin'. 

But if there wasn't one insect there was another, 
for the gnats, or something had took to my right eye 
and reg'lar bunged it up, as wasn't no pain, but a 
dreadful eyesore. 

Certainly I did enjoy my breakfast, as was relishin' 
thro' the shrimps, and Mrs. Yardley one as knows 
good livin'. But of all the things as ever I did see in 
my life it was the bathin', as is the grand sight of the 
mornin', it give me that turn as I was obligated for 
to set down, and couldn't keep my eyes off for 
wonderin' at 'em. 

However such things is tolerated in a Cristian 
country I don't know, as reminded me of a picter I've 
seen of them savages a-runnin' into the water for to 
murder Captain Cook, as hadn't no business there in 
my opinion ; but to see full-grown Englishmen a-for- 
gettin' of all decency is a thing* as I don't hold with. 

I says, " Brown, you don't mean to tell me as it's 
right and proper." He says as he supposes as par- 
ties likes it, or else they wouldn't be a-settin 5 there a- 
iookin' on. 

I says, " Likes it, indeed, then, they did ought to be 
ashamed of theirselves, and you may talk to me about 
missionaries to savages, it's a pity as they don't come 



124 

here, not as I holds with their rubbish ; but if I'd my 
way I'd just send out the police in a boat with some 
good stout cart-whips, and soon make them counter- 
skippers jump into their clothes like disgustin' beasts 
as they are. 

But, law bless you, I do believe as there's somethin' 
in the sea air as makes parties forget theirselves 
wonderful, for they all lives with the winders open, 
and not a bit of blind, as may be all very well on a 
uninhabitable island, as Margate used to be, as I 
went to see the caverns as they hid theirselves in, as 
struck that cold to me that I was glad to get out on, 
and have a little somethin' hot for to take off the chill. 

It certainly is wonderful to see the crowds as is on 
that pier, just for all the world like cattle in a pen, and 
fiaunty-lookin' gals that bold in their hats, and their 
hair all dishovelled thro' hangin' out to dry after 
bathin', and a parcel of young chaps a-danglin' after 
em, as is a gigglin' set of idjots as don't suit me. 

So Mrs. Yardley and me was a-settin' on the end. 
a-waitin' for the boat as come in there, as Yardley 
were expected by, and there was a elderly party as 
had got a tellyscope, as he was a-makin' very free 
with. 

He says to me quite civil, " It's very wonderful." 
I says, " Oh, indeed ! " not a knowin' what he was a- 
talkin' about. 

He says, "They must be millions of miles in size." 
I says, " It can't be," a-thinkin' he was a-talkin' about 
the Goodwin Sands, as I've heard say was swallered 
up in a single night, and is quicksands to this very 
hour. 

He says, " It's my opinion as we must hear more 
about 'em/' 

Well, I was a beginnin' to think as he was p'raps 
a 'armless mumbecile, when he says to me, "Would 
you like to have a look ? ' ' 



125 

" What at ? " says I. " Why," says he, " the spots 
in the sun, as my glass shows quite plain." 

So I says, "With pleasure," and he holds the glass 
for me, as I never could see thro' in my life ; but just 
for to please him I says "Wonderful," as makes him 
laugh, and he says, " That's a good un. Why you've 
got both your eyes shut." 

"Well," I says, " ain't that the way for to look thro' 
them things ?" Well, he took ever so much trouble, 
but law, I couldn't see nothing but every now and 
then a round flash as came over the glass all black 
in the middle. 

Mrs. Yardley, as has had a boardin'-school edica- 
tion, she saw it all wonderful, and talked to the old 
gentleman, as was a observatory like the one in 
Greenwich Park, as I've seen them old pensioners a- 
showin' myself. But law, I don't hold with any of 
their rubbish about the sun, nor the moon neither, 
as they goes a-watchin' thro' them glasses, but can't 
get near, nor find out nothin' about. 

As to that old gentleman a-standin' me out as he 
know'd them spots to be holes as was thousands o' 
miles long. I says, " Go on with your rubbish, how- 
ever can you measure 'em ?" as said it was a burnin' 
mask, as I knowed afore he told me, as any one can 
feel for theirselves. 

So jest then the boat come in, and there was 
Yardley, r as is good company, and one to live, a- 
bringin' down nice things and all manner, not as there 
is no lack of nothin' in Margate, and a pleasant tea 
we had, and went arterwards to the Assembly Rooms, 
where IVe heard my dear mother say the fust in the 
land did use to dance, as come down reglar in the 
hoys, as w T as boats afore steam was know'd about, 
and couldn't bring them numbers as comes a-rushin' 
in like the waves, as the sayin' is. 

Certainly they did dance delightful tho' crowded, 



126 

not as I cared much about it, for parties came a- 
gallopin' about the place, and give me such drives as 
throwed me down on to the laps of them as had got 
seats as I was a droppin' for, and made them rude in 
their remarks, a-sayin' " fall easy," and like that, and 
two parties seemed for to follow me up like a-bumpin' 
agin me, till at last I watches 'em a-comin', and give 
em a shove as sent 'em over. 

Well, there was a pretty how d'ye do. Up come a 
chap as called hisself master of the ceremonies a-talkm' 
to me. 

So I says, " I don't want none of your ceremonies, as I 
ain't one for to stand on none : but," I says, " if parties 
makes too free with me they know what they'll get, 
that's all." 

Just then Yardley he come up and says, " You and 
me'll have a dance together," and afore as I could 
hardly think if he wasn't a-jumpin' me round the waist, 
as made parties roar, and I was that, put out, but law, 
Yardley is such a one with his larks as you can't be 
angry, and didn't go too far, as is the way with some, 
but only just to the refreshments, where he got me a 
tumbler of hot port-wine negus, with lemon and 
nutmeg, as did me a world of good. Then we went 
home to supper, as is a meal I always look to, and as 
to the sea air why you can be eatin' for ever and not 
feel it, as must be ruin to a family as I should % 

As to sleepin' I was no sooner in bed than asleep, 
and certainly no wonder parties like the sea-side, for 
it is a life, as the only pity is it can't last for ever, as 
p'raps we shouldn't enjoy it as much if it did, tho' for 
my part I likes to enjoy myself, and none of your grizzlin' 
and grievin' for me, as'll bring you to your grave 
afore your time; but for my part I do think, if it's 
ever so 'umble, there's no place like home, as the 
sayin' is. 



No. 21. 




I'M sure truer words was never spoke than as 
three moves is as bad as a fire, as the sayin' 
is, for rack and ruin is the word, as well I 
can prove by the wan-load as come in fragments, and 
of all the down-pourin' rain as I know'd it would be 
thro' the moon a-changin' on a Friday, as I've knowed 
it do often myself, with a wet Monday consequently as 
sure as ever it was my month's wash. 

As to movin', it's a thing as I don't hold with, as 
has had my share, and bad enough when only a few 
streets ; but all the way from Stepney to South Lam- 
beth, as I holds to be the North Pole for farness, as is 
a day's journey, as the sayin' is, for I had a cousin as 
lived in Kennington Oval, as used to take me till dusk 
to get home again, tho' never stoppin' for a cup of tea. 
But Brown he says move he must, and that's the 
nearest where he could find a place with a bit of 
garden, as his heart is set on thro' bein' that 
passionate over flowers. Not as ever I fancied the 
house with a range as there wasn't no doin' nothin' 
with, and the oven as wouldn't hold a cheese plate, 
with a biler as didn't supply itself, and not a bit of 
copper not if it was to save your life. 

As to the garden, I see nothin' in it, as no more 
there weren't, thro' its bein' new made, with broken 
crockery on the walks, and the house a-smellm' 
mortary thro' its bein' all fresh cementary work. 



128 

' Certainly theparlors isnoble roomswith folding* doors, 
and picked out with pink paint and marble mantel- 
pieces, not as I hold with them French windows with 
shutters onlyafastenhr half-a-way up, and a draught 
under enough for to cut your feet off; and a-makin' 
of the front kitchen a parlor is all very well, but don't 
seem nat'ral, as is on the ground after all, and if 
them two cupboards ain't damp my name's not Brown, 
that's all. 

Of all the days as ever you see it was that Wed- 
nesday — as I will move on, thro* gettin' settled by 
Saturday night, but, law bless you, settled, why, we 
shan't never be, for as to gettin' things done unless 
you do 'em yourself it's heart-breakin', and to seethe 
way as I packed them things, tho' as to Mrs. Challin, 
she's a born fool to go and put them flat irons and 
two brass candlesticks in along with my tea service, 
as can't be matched not for the Queen herself, as I 
valued nat' ral thro' bein' my own dear mother's, as 
is one I never had a angry word with, except that 
time as I knocked the spout off the teapot thro' 
a-fillin' it from the kettle contrary to her wishes, 
and could have cried my eyes out when I see it all 
come out piecemeal, as the sayin' is. 

As to Mr. Pocock, as moved us he's a false man, as 
I'd a told him to his face only Brown interfered, as is 
a party I can't a-bear thro' a-marryin' two sisters 
afore the first was hardly cold in her grave, as brought 
on words atween us, thro' me a sayin' she wasnt his 
lawful wife, as made Brown that wild with me, a-tellin' 
me to mind my own business. 

Of all the wans as ever you see, eighteenpence an 
'our, why I'd have drawed myself nearly as well as 
them rats of horses. I got 'em started off by ten 
o'clock, Brown and me up before five, everything 
nearly ready over night, when just as the milk come 
round atween seven and eight it begun for to drizzle, 



129 

as I says foretels a wet day, tho' the milkman he 
thought different, a-sayin', "Rain afore seven, lift 
afore eleven ; " as I says, " It's gone seven, as breaks 
the charm," as the sayin' is. 

I'm sure I never knowed no peace till I was off 
myself in a cab, that full as the door wouldn't shut, 
and that cat a-strugglin' like wild in my arms, just 
for all the world like a Christian took anywhere agin 
his will. 

Of all the rides as ever I had it certainly was the 
joltingest, and kep' a-throwin' me violent forward, and 
then a-checkin' me back like, thro' the horse a-actin 
that contrary, and the abuse of that cabman was enough 
to make a worm turn as is trod on. So I up and give 
him a bit of my mind, and says, " If you ain't got 
your rights there's a summons open to you, as I can 
face any day ; but," I says, "I'll have the law of you 
thro' not a-givin' me a ticket, as is a mean action in 
my opinion, as I wouldn't stoop to." But law, he up 
and forgot hisself that dreadful that I don't know what 
he wouldn't have done only Brown come in, as made 
him step it pretty quick, a willin as v/ould have took 
a mean advantage of a lady, the same as that one did 
as I once give half-a-crown to, a-waitin' for change, 
when he jumps on his box quite sudden, and with a 
rude gesture, said as he'd carry me for nothin' next 
time. 

I thought I should have gone wild a-waitin' hour 
after hour for them goods, with nothin' for to set on 
but a odd tressel, with a bit of bread and cheese, as 
Brown got me, tho' certainly the beer was relishin'. 

It was quite dusk when the goods came, and when 
I see my beddin' all exposed thro' the tarpaulin' being 
blowed aside with the wind and rain a-blowin' violent, 
I could have cried my eyes out, and it's a mercy as 
I'd had some coals in, as is lucky with salt for to bring 
first into a house. So the fires was a-burnin' bright, 



130 

and of all the beastly drinkin' wretches it was them 
fellows with the wans, as stifled me out with their rum, 
as they was reg'lar reekin' with all over the place, and 
a-fallin' up the stairs with the bannisters knocked out 
with their violent ways, a-bangin' things about as if 
they were cast-iron and had been and broke my look- 
in'-glass, as will bring no luck for seven years. 

As to gettin' our bed up that wasn't possible, for 
Brown he reg'lar lost his temper, and went oflf in a 
huff, a-sayin' as I'd managed bad, and there was me 
and Mrs. Challin a-slavin' for to dry that beddin' as 
was a-steamin' like mad. I do think as that woman 
was born into the world for to be my bugbear, for 
tho' well-meanin', she is the most aggravatingest 
party, thro' bein' that foolish in her actions, a-pilin' up 
w r ood and coals like a furnace, a-sayin' as the chimbly 
must be all right thro' bein' quite uninhabited except 
the policeman and his wife as had lived in the front 
room, as kep' a smokin' in volumes, as the sayin' is. 

Well, I was that busy in the bedroom, a-seein' how 
I could contrive that bed, thro' not a-holdin' with a- 
sleepin' on the floor, as is apt for to settle on the eyes 
thro' draughts under the door, as is not to be kept 
out, when I hears a-hollarin' and a-knockin' violent, 
as I thought was them wan-men come back, as I 
would not settle with, thro' a-seein' as they was far 
gone in liquor. So I says, " Let 'em knock, as will 
pr'aps attract the police," when I hears a-rattlin' and 
a-shoutin' " Fire." 

Well, I runs to the window, and there I sees such a 
mob a-shoutin'. So I throws up the sash and says, 
" Whatever is it?" Says the police, "It's the 
engines, as ragin' flames is a-comin' out at the 
chimbly-pot," as I could hear a-roarin' like a lion. 

It give me such a dreadful turn that I staggers all 
over the place, and it's a mercy as it was the beddin' 
I pitched on to or I might have done for myself. 



131 

It was ever so long afore I could g*et up, and go 
down, and found the place full of firemen and police, 
as I says, " Keep out the mob, or I shan't have a 
thing left in the place/' as was a deluge for water 
a'swillin' all about, and it's lucky as I had got the 
beddin' up-stairs afore the fire broke out, or I do 
believe it would have been washed away, as I nearly 
was myself afore the fire was got under. 

And what do you think was its cause ? Why, if 
that policeman and his wife hadn't been and stuffed a 
bundle of shavin's up that chimbly, as I should say the 
down draught would have done 'em good, as five was 
a-sleepin' in the room ; but it's well as it was found 
out as it were, or we might have been burnt in our 
beds. 

If you'd heard Brown when he come in a-seein' me 
that grimed as he busted out a-laughin', as set Mrs. 
Challin off, as tho' hard of hearin' could join in 
laughter, as she did in my opinion thro' bein' over- 
took in liquor, for if she didn't then begin a-weepin', 
and a-sayin' as she must go home to her husband, as 
is a wooden-leg cobbler, and brought home frequent 
in a frightful state, as she can only keep in by hidin ? 
away his leg with them drinkin' fits on him. 

Well, what with her howls and Brown's goin'-on, I 
was that drove wild that if my spasms didn't come 
on, as bends me double, and there I was a-settin' on 
my feather-bed a howlin' like a ram's horn, and if it 
hadn't been for a widder lady as lived next door, and 
is the landlady a-comin' in, I don't think as I should 
have lived 'die night out. All as they could do with 
hot bricks perpetual and brandy and peppermint took 
medicinal, didn't bring me round till past one o'clock, 
as made Brown bestir hisself for to get the bed up, 
and if it hadn't been as Jane come over the next day 
for to help me, as I packed Mrs. Challin off the first 
thing in the mornin', I dont believe as ever I should 



132 

have got the place right any more, and as to the cat 
she took it that to heart as never to be heard on no 
more. 

All I've got to say is that I'd rather stop in a old 
house till it fell about your ears, as the sayin' is, than 
move to a palace, where the carpets won't fit, and 
everythin' seems topsy-turvy, and nothin' don't seem 
to be suitable. I'm sure as the cold I caught and the 
things I lost and got spoilt in that movin' was enough 
for to make a saint forget hisself, that it was. 




No. 22. 

$$*»♦ Ijwfott iro % fautg fart 



I F all the awdacious swindles as ever I know'd 
it's the wust, and as for law and justice why 
they're downright humbug - , as the sayin' is, 
for whatever is the use of a-goin' to law, as is only 
made for to protect them thieves. 

As to that old McDawdler, why if hang-in' ain't too 
good for him my name ain't Martha, for to come here 
a-cantin' and a-crawlin' and a-sayin' as he wasn't one 
for to overcharge nor over-reach thro' a-bein' constant 
at his chapel, as I says to him, " You'd better prove 
by your actions than all your talk about thro 7 bein' a 
deacon, like one as I know'd as was tried at the Old 
Bailey hisself, and got fifteen year for forgerin', and 
serve him right, as wronged the widder and the 
orphan thro' his cantin' ways, as is the large chapel 
down close to where I lived in the Commercial-road, 
as you might hear the singin' clear of a summer 
evenin' a-settin' in my back garden, as is no doubt 
good sort of people, with the minister that fat as to 
make you think as it was easy times with him, tho' a 
large family, as was well brought up I should say, 
except the boys, as was that wild, and I've heard say 
got out of a night throug-h the washus window a-goin' 
to plays and music halls after prayers, as is very pro- 
per thing's in their places, not as I hold with crammin' 
too much down young people's throats, as is apt for 

F 



134 

to act deceitful, and all three come to the bad, as 
broke the poor mother's heart, as some say did used 
to encourage them boys on the sly unbeknown to the 
minister, as is a thing- as will come home to every 
mother as does it." 

I'm sure when I see that old wagabone's bill, as 
were a yard long, I couldn't make nothin' on it till 
Brown come in, as says he were a old Scotch cobbler, 
which if I'd a -know' d I wouldn't have had nothin' to do 
with him, for I can't a-bear them Scotch thro' not a- 
holdin' with foreigners of no persuasions, as is all 
alike, palaver to your face and serpints all the while 
twistin' round your wery witals as I've read about 
myself. 

I'm sure there's no more to show for that twelve 
pounds, as I says to the judge, I says, "My lord," I 
says, "if you will but step down to my .place," I says. 
"and judge for yourself as the work is disgraceful, and 
nothin' finished, and as to that washus shetter, why 
it's a downright defacement to the back premises, as 
is laid down in flags, with sixteen shillin's for paintin' 
that waterbut, as runs disgraceful, a-keepin' the place 
a constant flood, and not able to cross without pattens." 

But I know'd how it would be when he come in that 
evenin', decided a little on, a-smilin' treacherous just 
like them Scotch, and Brown a-losin' of his temper 
and a-sayin' as he'd precious soon kick him out, as is 
hurtful to the feelin's, as I should not like myself; not 
as he did ought for to have summoned me like that, as 
Brown says,"" Pay the old thief." But I says, " No," 
I says, " I g'ive the orders, and will see 'em righted 
if I dies for it," as I nearly did, for of all the stiflin 7 
places as ever I was in it was that court. 

When I sees that 'oary-'eaded old sinner a-standin' 
there a-swearin' them falsehoods, it give me that turn 
that I couldn't keep my temper. So I says to the 
party as were a-conductin' my case, as he called it, I 



135 

says, " Excuse me, Mr. Opkins," as were his name 
thro' bein' a lawyer, as they called a turney, as I says 
to the young- man at the court, as says, " Where's 
your turney?" I says, "Whatever do you mean?" 
thro' never hearin' tell of them afore, as was only a 
lawyer after all, but that's the wust of them places, 
they do talk that rubbish a-purpose for to take you in, 
I believe. Well, as I was a-sayin', I says to Mr. 
Opkins, I says, "Excuse me, but that party is a 
mask of falsehood and deceits, as did ought to be put 
in the pillery," as well I remembers seem' a indiwid- 
dle exposed myself, as was hooted and pelted that 
dreadful, as served him right, not as I remembers 
what he'd done, but no doubt he was'nt put there for 
his good behaviour. 

As to that judge, it's my opinion as he wanted for 
to get home to his tea, for of all the hurry and skurry 
as he kep' on a-makin' seemed for to confuse every- 
body, and hearin' of different parties as kep' a-talkin', 
and as to that laundress havin' to replace them things, 
I calls it shameful, as she produced the little boy's 
nightgownd in court as yaller as a guinea, and tore 
down the front, as I know they will do with their 
pranks, and says as all the linen was like that as she'd 
had cut from the back of the cart, as certainly was 
her own carelessness, but not worth a pound as they 
put it at, with a sick husband, and to have to pay it 
weekly presses hard when Saturday comes. 

I see as that judge were a temper thro' havin' of 
red whiskers, as is in general a sign as you can tell, 
specially where it spreads to the nose, and the way he 
spoke to every one it was downright disgraceful, and 
even a-tellin' old McDawdler for to speak quick, as is 
impossible thro' that Scotch bein' that drawlin' stuff. 

As to me, bless you, he snapped my nose off every 
time, as tried for to get in a word edgeways, as the 
sayin* is. 



i 3 6 

What aggrawated me most was my lawyer as set 
there quiet, and wouldn't tell that old willin as he was 
a perjed ippercrit, as I kep' a-nudgin' him for to do. 

Well, if this here old Scotch thief didn't up and 
swear as I'd give him orders for a new safe, whereas 
all as I said was, " Mr. McDawdler," a-treatin' him 
respectful, " If you was to put in new zinc sides to the 
old one, and put it on four legs," thro' it bein' one for 
to hang up, as I hadn't no place for, " with a new 
shelf inside and the bottom repaired, and painted fresh 
all over, why, it would do very well." 

But when I come to see the bill I was struck dumb; 
and well I remember the time as I give him the order, 
thro' it's bein' a Toosday and pourin' with rain, and 
thro' a-seein' him that damp offers him a little sperrits 
thro' his bein' elderly, as the cold might strike to, and 
for to turn on me like that, a-sayin' afore the judge and 
all as I was a-settin' alone a-doin* of my drains, as 
made 'em all laugh, and put me- up as I couldn't 
contain myself, as the sayin' is. 

So I ups and says, " My lord." " Set down," says 
he. 

" I won't," says I, " for I've got a character," I 
says, " like your own for to lose, and I ain't a-goin' to 
have my life swore away by that willanous old swind- 
ler.*' " Hold your tongue," says my lawyer. 

"What," I says, "you turn agin me as I'm pay in* 
out of my own pocket ! " " Turn that old woman out," 
says the judge, a-forgettin' hisself gross as roused me 
up like a lion in King Daniel's den. 

So I says, "You're a wile set of swindlin' thieves," I 
says, "as is all of a piece. But/' I says, " do your 
wust, and I've got friends as will show you up." 
" Come out," says a party. 

"Who are you a-talkin' to ?" says I. "I'll pretty 
soon show you," says he ; and if he didn't bring in a 
policeman. 



137 

So I says, " My lord," I says, " I'm a lady as is not 
used to be so treated." I says, " If I've hurt your 
feelin's," I says, a-bendin' like to him, when, law bless 
you, I was seized like tigers behind, and tore wiolent 
out of the place. 

It was all done in a minute like, and out comes that 
lawyer chap a-scowlin' and says, " It's give agin you, 
as was your own fault thro' a-behavin' like that." 

" Like what ? " says I. " Why, he says, " insultin' 
the judge, as it's well for you as it ain't the one as is 
here in general, or he'd a committed you." 

I says, "I should like to have seen him dare 
commit anything of the sort;" and if his expenses 
wasn't over a pound, and really I was more dead than 
alive, as the sayin' is, and it's lucky as I didn't get 
robbed, for the place was filled with them low-lived 
characters as I can't a-bear to be among. 

What put me out was that lawyer's impudence as 
told me that it was my own fault as the case was lost, 
a-sayin' as if I'd kep' quiet and spoke proper, as some- 
thin' would have been took off the bill, as I don't 
believe a word on, for I see as the judge were a-wotin' 
for old McDawdler all the time, thro' bein' Scotch 
hisself, as, I was told arterwards, will always stick 
together, and what one says the otherll swear to, as 
can't be right. 

As I told old McDawdler, I says, for I met him as 
he was a-comin' out of that court a-grinnin' like a 
Cheshire cat, as the sayin' is, I says, " Ill-gotten gains 
blows nobody any good, and," I says, "you mark my 
words, if my money don't bring you sorrow by the 
ladlefull." 

Little did I think as it was so soon to come true, 
not as I wished him any harm, not in my heart 
only felt that wexed at bein' so done, and never 
should a-thought as he'd a-left the glue-pot a-bilin' in 
his workshop, as is gross carelessness, with the place 



that full of shavin's as burn t in course like tinder, and 
his little grandchild nearly a-perishin' in the flames, 
and him at his club, with his wife a-havm' a talk with 
a neighbour when the flames busted out all over the 
place. 

So you never don't ketch me a-prophesyin' no mis- 
fortunes to nobody no more, as might have fell on a 
innocent head, as was rescued by the fireman a- 
hearin' of its screams, tho' as to that old McDawdler, 
they do say as he set the place a-fire hisself, as the 
parties where he w r as insured could a-proved in court, 
as he never dared to show his face thro' them judges 
a-knowin' no doubt, thro' the way he'd served me, as 
he was one as would swear anything, and went 
round for a subscription, a-sayin' as he'd lost all his 
tools, as I'm sure was perfect useless, for of all the 
botchers as ever you see. But Brown he says as it's 
all my fault a-follerin' the man about a-orderin' things, 
and I'm sure if you don't stand over them nothin' ain't 
done ; so whatever are you to do? for if they don't rob 
you one way they will another. 




^ 



No. 23. 

Phi. gjwfoB on feg J^ftrte, 




'M sure it's a wonder as Fm alive to tell 
the tale, that it is, and I do think as to 
Mrs. Giddins she must have a charmed life, 
as the sayin' is, as a cat's is nothin' to, for I see her a 
mask of flames myself a screamin' in her pattens with 
them things a blazin' all around, and if it hadn't been 
as I throw' d a pail of hot suds all over her, ashes she 
must have been. And to think as it was all thro' them 
boys a-darin' for to make a bonfire in that field at the 
back as Mr. Walker encouraged 'em in, thro' keep- 
in' of a school with a tar barrel rolled all along the 
road by them roughs, as it's a mercy no horses wasn't 
frightened, as well I remember 'appened in the Bow- 
road one time as was nearly my death, thro' the fright 
as I got a-meetin' them boys with those masks and 
lettin' off a cracker lighted under me, and never left 
my room again till our Lucy was six w T eeks old. But 
it so fell out as it come on a Sunday and was kep' of 
a Monday, as is ridiculous altogether, as I says to 
Mr. Walker as keeps the school, as called about the 
accident. I says, " Whatever is the use of teachin' a 
lot of boys for to insult other parties as tho' Irish is 
their elders and I'm sure as their feelin's like flesh and 
blood." " Oh," says he, " down with the Pope." 

I says, " certingly if he have done what is wrong as 
can be proved, let him be punished, but not," I says, 



140 

"with squibs and crackers, a-frightenm' parties to 
death and don't do him no harm, a-livin' over there. 
But," I says, "the Pope wont pay me for them things 
as is consumed," I says, " and you must." 

Well he up and talked a-deal of rubbish, a-sayin' as 
I didn't ought to have washed on the fifth of Novem- 
ber, as I says, " Excuse me it were the sixth, and I'm 
not a~goin' for to go beyond a month for all your Guy 
Foxes as ever lived, but," I says, " the way as they're 
hunted down after death is disgraceful/' He says, 
"It's a glorious anadversity.' , 

I says, " That's what might happen to any one, and 
didn't ought to be throwed in their teeth," as that 
cracker was in mine just a-openin' of the garden door 
for to tell them boys to be careful how they throwed 
their squibs about my linen, as they kep' a-lettin' 'em 
off long afore it was dark. I says, " Mrs. Giddixs, 
p'raps it will be as well for to have that large sheet 
in," I says, "and dry it by the fire, as the clothes- 
horse will bear." 

So she steps out for to get it and gethers it up in 
her arms, when if a squib didn't come, full but, on to 
her, sheet and all, she unawares thro' being partly 
covered in it. I opens the washus door for her, and 
there she was like a fiery apparition, and but for the 
copper bein' that handy I never should have put her 
out in this world, and it's a mercy as the water was 
not a-bilin' or I should have scalded her to death a- 
tryin' to save her from a fiery grave, as the sayin' is ; 
and as it was her cap was burnt to her head, and her 
eyebrows that scarified as I didn't hardly know her. 

As luck would have it Brown had just come in, and 
hcarin' the noise opened the washus door just as my 
cap took fire, as he very nigh strangled me a-tearin* 
off, and throwed with my hair and all, bang into the 
wash tub, as will never curl up no more to look decent 
in. 



141 

Of all the agony as ever I felt it was Mrs. Giddins 
a-standin' with all her weight on my foot with her 
pattens on, as I thought she'd cut clean in half, thro' 
givin' a stamp that wiolent in her terrors as was 
nat'ral in fire, as I'm sure I feel myself, and even dumb 
cre'ters can't face, as well I remembers all the horses 
bein' burnt in the brewery at Stratford, as their 
screams was heart rendering as nothing wouldn't 
induce for to face the flames thro' a-smellm' it even 
with their heads in sacks; and the engines a-playin' 
all the time, tho' I'm sure one of them streams of 
water would be as bad to me as the fire, thro' a- 
comin' with that force for to knock any one down, as 
happened to a aunt of mine a-passin' down thro' 
Westminster when they was only a-practisin' and not 
meanin' no harm, but she come sudden round the 
corner for to get it right in her chest as rolled her 
over and over with her ancle sprained and her elbow 
put out, as walked lame to her dyin' day. 

As to them fire escapes they certainly are wonderful, 
tho' for my part I'd as soon slide down a factory 
chimbly as they looks like, tho' I've heard say as the 
firemen is wonderful a-grapplin' with you at the 
bottom, as saved old Mr. Ardin as kep' the " Risln' 
Sun " with a clump foot, as was a hard drinkin' man, 
and the cause of the fire thro' a-puttin' the candle 
under the bed ; and must have perished with the doer 
locked but for them firemen as bust into the window 
and a-graspin' on him by his clump as he'd gone to 
bed in unawares, and pitched him head-first down 
thro' the escape, and was saved at the bottom by the 
man as was a-waitin' for him in a leather bucket of 
cold water, as cured his drinkin' for he put his other 
hip out and was a helpless cripple, and Mrs. Ardin" 
nussed him, and never would allow him more than 
three glasses of sperrits and water of a night to his 
dyin' day, and being retired from the public line, as 



142 

that fire took 'em out of, he didn't get the chance on, 
tho' never in my opinion a-payin' business thro' old 
Ardin havin' lots a-friends as stepped in for to take a 
drain, as the sayin' is ; and being insured heavy come 
out with a independence, and her a-havin' a-somethin' 
of her own. 

If you'd seen my garden the next morning and the 
field as them boys had had their fireworks in, you'd 
have said as there'd been a fiery snow storm, and th© 
grass all burnt in a black ring where the bonfire was. 
I never slept a wink all night for thinking as fire 
might break out, and Brown had burnt his hand with 
my cap, as raw potato scraped give him ease. 

Poor Mrs. Giddins, she went home more dead nor 
alive, tho' she did have her supper and a good 
allowance hot for to keep up her spirits as had 
received a great shock, but she come the next day all 
right, and Brown's burn wasn't much, so we had 
reason to be thankful except for the sheet as was 
cinders and a large hole in the counterpane as is my 
best, things as I did ought to have had washed up 
before, only thro' moving w r as throwed out everyway. 

But when that schoolmaster come in, as is a white- 
faced soapy-looking chap in a white stock, as I'm told 
is a tyrant to the boys, and says as he wishes to act 
becomin' a Christian, tho' accidents will 'appen in the 
best of families, as is a excuse I've heard give for 
goings on as I don't hold with, I says to him, I says, 
"Them boys of yourn did it a purpose for to aggrawate 
me, for I spoke to 'em over the wall twice a-standing 
on them short steps as I hangs out with, and one on 
'em shied a empty squib at me and encouraged the 
others tor to call me a reglar old guy, and certainly 
I did forget as I had my night-cap on with a hand- 
kercher tied over it, as was the reason of their jeers." 

What I do not hold with is that schoolmaster's ways, 
as is mean, for I w T ill make him pay Mrs. Giddins for 
the fright if I gets nothin' for that sheet. 



143 

He come a deal of palaver as don't go down with 
me nor Brown neither, for he was come in first afore 
the schoolmaster and pretty soon settled his rubbish 
about the Pope, for he says, " You leave him alone 
and he won't interfere with you/' Says the school- 
master, "He will." 

I says " Go on with your rubbish ; however can 
he?" "Why," he says, "he'll undermine the 
constitution." 

" Well," I says, " you don't look delicate, but if you 
was to ask my opinion you only wants plenty of 
exercise for to keep you in health, and not to eat too 
much," — havin' heard say thro' Mrs. Giddins, as he 
v/as a hog- to eat, and special them hot suppers when 
the boys was a-bed, and a-sendin' the husher in bread- 
and-cheese to the schoolroom. 

Well he talked a good deal of rubbish, and at last 
he pulls out a couple of shillin's and says, " I think this 
will be quite sufficient for the washerwoman," and he 
says, " anything in reason I'll pay for your linen, my 
good woman." 

So I says " My good man, you'll please for to pay 
five-and-twenty shillin's for my quilt as is as good as 
new, and the first time of washin' as cost thirty, and 
that large linen sheet fifteen shillin's won't replace as 
I can prove to you by the fellow as is down stairs, 
and half a yard shorter thro' bein' the bottom one." 
"Well then," he says, " p'raps I'd better speak to my 
solicitor." 

I says, " Speak to any one you pleases, but I tell 
you what it is, if you give me any of your airs and 
rubbish I'll pretty soon summons your boys for lettin' 
off fireworks in the public ways, and, " I says, " two 
shillin's for that poor woman, as would hardly replace 
her cap, let alone the fright won't never do." 

So out he walks, very grand and protrudin' all 
down the steps without sayin' good evenin' ; but his 



144 

good lady come in early next day and made it all 
square, as the say in' is, being a party as is sharp, tho' 
I soon found out as they was going to make the boys 
pay for the damage out of their weekly pocket money, 
as is a mean action, but jest like them schoolmasters, 
as I've knowed myself charge seven shiilin's for shoe 
strings. 

But all I've got to say is as no doubt Guy Fox was 
very wrong in tryirf for to let them fireworks off 
under Parliament, and as to his blowin' up the royal 
family, why it's out of all reason. But why other 
parties should be set in flames every year in remem- 
brance on him I can't think, as was a good-for-nothin' 
wagabone as the sooner he's forgot the better. 




No. 24. // 




Ife ^rafoit an Jfuntis|m0, 



says, "Brown, do as you please," forknowin' 
what a worret he is, and one of those pecu- 
lent dispositions, I thought it was as well as 
he should go hisself, and so he did; but when he 
come home and said as he'd gone in for a rosewood 
sweet at twenty-two guineas, all I says was " Rub- 
bish !" 

And true my words was proved as ever the sun set 
upon, for of all the things as that Tottingem-court- 
road can produce I never see the like. 

When they was brought in, my heart misgive me 
for them men's feet, as I know'd must be filthy. So I 
says, " Bring 'em as far as the parlour-door, for bein' 
on castors me and Sarah can wheel 'em in easy." So 
we did, but, law bless you, them white cheney castors 
was that brittle as to crumble like ashes on the lips, 
as the sayin' is. 

So I says to the young man, I says, "Them castors 
must be took off and proper ones put," as promised 
me faithful should be done the next day followin', as 
it's now more than a fortnight, and me never to set a 
eye on, as is a young man that conspicuous with coal- 
black whiskers and a squint as made your eyes water 
for to look at. 

"Well we got the things in, as looked very well on 
my new carpet, as covers both rooms thro' bein' a 



146 

large pattern of roses in bunches, with rugs of a New- 
foundland and a sleepin' lion, as is Brown's taste ; not 
as I held with furniture thro' its bein' green, as is 
unlucky colour, for well I remembers Mrs. Whiteside, 
as lived near Horselydown, a-havin on it and her 
husband thro' the court in no time, and obliged for to 
go back to her father, as was a bed-ridden man with 
twins. 

Brown he would have green, and if he didn't go 
and buy curtains with yellow fringe, as was a different 
shade from the furniture, as was covered in rip, and 
rip it proved, for I never see such stuff to tear, and 
them is rips as sells it. 

Certainly they was beautiful chimley-glasses, as 
come to ten guineas thro' takin' a pair, and the young 
man put up the front room one, a-takin' off his shoes, 
as proved he'd a tidy wife, for I never see stockings 
more darned nor neater, but thro' not havin' long nails 
wasn't able for to fix the back room as he stood agin 
the wall, and just as things was pretty straight who 
should come in but Mrs. Brodlins, as is own sister to 
Mrs. Yardley, and her figure all over thro 7 them 
a-takin' after the mother's side as was that lusty as 
brought on palpitations, as took her sudden, as the 
sayin' is. 

Glad I was to see her, for I don't believe there is a 
fairer-hearted woman out as would give you her last 
crust, which some begrudges. So I says, " Take a 
setting Mrs. Brodlins, mum, on my new sofy, as nobody 
ain't more welcome." 

Down she sets, and I heard a crunch like, as was the 
back leg give way, up goes her 'eels, down goes her 
'ead with a hollar crash. I goes for to save her, and 
if she didn't pull me right on to her, as was more than 
that sofy could bear up agin, and away it went 
back'ards altogether, and I do believe as we should 
be in that comer to this very hour if Sarah hadn't 



H7 

called back the men as had brought the things, as 
managed to pull us up. 

Certainly I don't see as there was any think to laugh 
at, as I told Sarah pretty plain, and them men to, as 
was a-makin'free in their remarks about 'eavy weights. 

As to them easy chairs, they was a mockery, avS 
gave way with Brown the second time as ever he set 
on it, and one of them six dra win' -room chairs, as was 
very bowed about the legs, I was a-settin' on it 
givin' of Sarah a character to a lady, as is goin' to 
better herself, as I don't see it myself with nine in 
family, and all the washin' done at home. I was a- 
sayin' as she was a willin' gal to that lady, tho' 
required lookin' after, when with no more warnin' than 
nothin' if that chair didn't fly to bits like splinter bars 
under me ; there wasn't a bit bigger than my hand, 
and as to stuffed with horsehair, why it was haybands, 
as no doubt is the case all round. 

Brown he says to me, " You're always a-growlin' 
and a-howlin'," as if castors was trifles as come off 
everything. So he brings some home for to put 'em 
on hisself, but, law bless you, the wood wouldn't 
hold the screws as he got, so he had for to take 'em 
all off, as has made that sofy scrape my carpet raw. 

Brown he wouldn't hear a word agin the things, 
and had the man in for to mend the leg of the sofy, 
as he said wasn't never intended for to bear two 
hipplepotumuses, illudin', in course, to Mrs. Brodlins 
and me, as brought on words thro' me a-sayin' as it 
wasn't a epitaph for to apply to a lady. 

And glad I was for to see it come home to him 
thro' his own aunt, as is a elderly party, and that 'ard 
of 'earin' as she says thro' a-sleepin' with a crack of 
the window open as come close agin her tester ; but I 
say rubbish, for it's my opinion as seventy-eight 
is about the size on it, as she must be if she's a 
hour thro' my own dear mother bein' only two 



148 

years' difference, as never see but three-score and 
six. 

Well, the old lady she'd come to tea, and precious 
cranky too, and made remarks about the 'ouse as I 
didn't care for. So I says, "Mrs. Carding, mum, is 
your tea agreeable ? " but law, I might as well a-spoke 
to Aldgate Pump, for she only says, " It must be gone 
six," which it were not, and her temper ruffled thro" 
me not a-teain' at five punctual, as I should have 
done if the gal, thro' bein' a stranger, hadn't forgot 
the kittle. 

Well, the old lady she'd got her mouth full of 
muffins, a-go:n' to take a cup of tea, when a somethin' 
give w r ay in that sofy, and shot her up like a cork 
from a bottle. I never see such a thing. If I didn't 
think she'd gone sudden mad when I see the cup and 
saucer fly up, and her give a jump ever so high, 
a-sendin' the tea all over the place, and her a-gulpin ? 
at that muffin as wouldn't go up nor down. 

Cough, I believe she did cough, till I thought as 
strangulation was to be her end; and when she 
drawed her breath agin she did set to and abuse 
everything, and made Brown cut the sofy open to 
prove as it wasn't no trick as we'd been and played, 
as was proved thro' it's bein' a spring as had got 
broke, thro' that Sarah, I do believe, a-standin' on 
that sofy for to pull back the curtain, as got hitched 
the very day before as she was a-cleanin' up afore 
leaving as was always too flyaway a gal for me. 

It was well as we proved to the old lady as it was 
the works as had give way, or I don't believe as she'd 
ever have spoke to us agin, for she thought as it was 
fireworks under her, as has a pretty income. Not as 
I cares for her money, tho' she can't take it with her, 
and not a soul but Brown for to leave it to. But she 
come round agin with a drop of something in her tea 
for to settle her nerves, as was shook to fiddlestrings I 



149 

could see, and had give me a nasty all-overish turn as 
made me feel all of a chill, as something- hot is the 
only thing as will check. 

I was that put out with them things, for the weneer 
on the claw-table had bulg*ed up like a human blister, 
that I says " I'm a-goin' for to see Mrs. Brodlins, as 
lives in Marrybone, and if I don't give that furniture 
man a bit of my mind my name ain't Martha.' ' So 
I goes by the 'bus from Kennington, as put me down 
close by Mrs. Brodlins', where she appointed for to 
meet me, and as she was a-goin' shoppin' accordin' to 
agreement. 

We walks along Oxford-street, and after a -looking 
at the shops I asks her if she'd mind a-steppin' as far 
as Tottingem-ccurt-road, and as soon as we got there 
I see the shop as I remembered the name on immediate, 
and there was a man and a woman a-standin' outside, 
with walnut sweets in the winder. The man he says 
to me, " What £an I show you to-day ? " 

"Well," I says, "I wish as you'd show me some 
furniture, and not the rubbish as you've sent home to 
me, as is a mass of fragments, and a downright 
disgrace for any one to look at, leave alone to set 
upon." So he stares, and up comes the woman a-askin* 
what I was a-saying. 

So I says, " I can speak agin, tho* pr'aps you 
mayn't care to hear it, as is a gang of swindlers." 
* What are you a-talkin' about ? " says she. 

"Your furniture," says I, " as is ketchpenny rubbish 
as you sent to South Lambeth without a castor as 
didn't scrunch under your own weight." So she says, 
"You did ought to have cast-iron to bear you; but," 
she says, " I scorn your words, for I never sent you no 
furniture, and never see you before," and turns round. 

I says, " You'll deny your own name, I suppose." 
So the fellow as was dustin' with a feather broom he 
says, " Now step along, if you please, and don't be 
kickin' up no row here." 



' ISO 

I says, a You take back your rubbish, and give me 
back my money." 

He says, " Who's got your money ? " 

I says, "You ! for," I says, " I've g*ot the card/' as 
I was a long- time a-g-ettin' out thro' my pocket bein' 
that deep ; "but," I says, " here it is, deny that if you 
can." So he says, "That's not my card;" and if I 
hadn't been and made a mistake about the name, as 
it was the wrong- shop, and I don't know what would 
have happened, only Mrs. Brodlins she ketched 'old on 
me and pulled me on quick, and that man and woman 
hollared after me as I must be mad or drunk, and 
hooted at us, and I do believe if we hadn't took a cab 
as we should have been mobbed. 

And next time as Brov/n makes a bad barg-ain he 
may get out of it hisself, for the way as he abused me 
for interferin' was downright outrag-eous, and all I g*ot 
to say is no more of your sweets for me, but steady- 
made furniture as will bear the 'uman form. 




St 



No. 25. 




I EEN in bed ? I should think I had been, three 
whole days, all thro' goin' to see it, as Mrs. 
Edwards persuaded me to, for says she to me, 
n Mrs. Brown, mum, it can't be, they never would 
allow it." Says I, " Why not ?" 

"Well," says she, "they may; but it don't seem 
natural for to have a Jew for Lord Mayor, as I've 
seed him myself a -goin' to church, gold chain and all, 
as they'd never trust him with." 

So Brown he come in just then, and I says to him, 
"You're the party for to settle it; here's Mrs. Edwards 
a-goin' on like a downright fiery bigget about a Jew 
bein' Lord Mayor." "Well," says Brown, "I dare 
say he's just as good a Christian as many as sets 
there ; besides, he ain't the fust as has proved a Jew, 
and one on 'em was a Catholic" " Well," she says, 
" I never did." 

I says, " It's all very well for him bein' a Jew, as is 
his business, but as to his goin' to church it's down- 
right ridiculous ; he must set there a-laughin' in his 
sleeves, as is unbecomin' in any one in a place of 
woship, 'cos I knows as Jews don't hold with goin' to 
church, as well I remembers a lady as was that way 
a-tellin' a party as I was a-nussin' as they never did." 
Brown says, " Well, if I was a Jew I shouldn't go to 



152 

church ; for I should say plump and plain as it wasn't 
my ways, as is only a form after all." 

" Well, 5 ' I says, " them forms is very proper, but 
not for Jews, as don't hold .with them, as I'm sure is 
very strict in their ways, as I've knowed them as 
would have starved afore they'd have touched a bit of 
pork, tho' certainly their fried fish is beautiful, and I 
never did taste such rum shrub like what they drinks 
on their fast days, as is kind-hearted people." So 
Mrs. Edwards she says, " If any one but you had told 
me such a thing I would not have believed it. A Jew 
for Lord Mayor ! They'll be havin' him for a bishop 
next." Brown he says, " Why not ? " thro' not a- 
holdin' with bishops. _ 

But I says, " Brown, you're a-talkin' foolish, as 
don't become your time of life." Mrs. Edwards a- 
see'n me a-gettin' warm says, " Well," says she, " I 
won't believe it till I see it, and see it I will, and will 
you go, as there is a first floor open to. you in Fleet- 
street ?" 

" Well," I says, " it's chilly weather for the open 
air." Says she, "We can have the window shut nearly 
all the time." 

So I said as I'd go, thro' the weather bein' mild for 
November, tho' it's not a month as I cares to take 
cold in, for it lays hold on you with a cough as I've 
know'd last till May, as horehound won't pacify nor 
squills allay, as is only things as upsets the stomach, 
and makes one feel frequent nauseous. It was all 
very well a-goin' to Fleet-street when we was livin' 
at the East-end, but now as we're out in Lambeth it's 
out of the way, tho' it is but a step to the Woxhall 
Station, where I gets the train to Waterloo. Brown 
he says, " You have a cab, or you'll come to grief in 
the crowd." I says, "I'm a-goin' with Mrs. Edwards, 
as knows her way about." 

We got comfortable to the train thro' it bein' fine 



153 

over head, and was whisked into Waterloo pretty 
sharp. 

I was jammed frightful once or twice a-gettin' over 
the bridge, as was that crowded with them rough 
characters, as kep' a-treadin' on my gown and then 
usin' of low-lived langwidge, as is revoltin' agin a lady's 
ear ; and if it hadn't been for the police I don't think 
as ever I could a-got thro'. Mrs. Edwards she's a 
skin and grief figger, as could squeeze everywhere, 
like a weazel in a hen-roost, as the sayin' is, and soon 
got ahead of me. 

A very nice young woman she came up to me and 
says, " Oh, mum, if you please, which ever is my way 
to Westminster, as am goin' after a situation, and 
'ave got lost in the crowd ?" "Westminster," I says, 
"is close by where I've come from; but," I says, 
" direct you I can't." 

So she says, " Would you mind me a-walkin' by 
your side, as would be a protection, for I ain't used to 
them crowds ? " 

A lot of fellows came a-jostlin* agin us, and that 
young woman she clung that tight to my arm as I 
couldn't move, as was natural for her not to like them 
young men's rough ways. When we was got clear 
of them she says, "'Ave you lost anything?" " No," 
I says; for I'd only got my umbrella. She says, 
" They've turned my pockets out." 

I says, " 'Old my umbrella while I feels for my 
puss ; " but, bless you, my pocket, as is a stout 
nankeen, was emptied, not as I'd much in it, as was 
lucky, and shouldn't have minded so much if they 
hadn't took my silver thimble with a steel top, as is 
the best as ever I worked with. Well, back comes 
Mrs. Edwards a-sayin', " Why don't you come on ? " 
So I says, "I've been robbed." "Law! " she says, 
" you don't say so ! " I says, " I do, and so is this 
young woman," as I turned for to speak to, but she 



154 

was gone, as was an 'ussy in my opinion, and smelt 
of sperrits that early, as don't look well. 

However I got through the crowd is a puzzle to me, 
with all the gethers reg'lar tore out of my alpaca, as 
is lined thro', with a warm shawl on, as was as much 
as I could bear thro* bein' one as heats up all of a 
minute. Well, we was close by the house, as is a 
comer, and there was a crowd all up to the door. So 
says Mrs. Edwards, "Be so good as to make way," 
quite civil, but of all the jeerin' wagabones it was that 
crowd. One says, " Oh, here's the Lady Mayoress as 
stops the way; " and another says, " Make room for 
Sairey Gakp and Betsy Prigg, as is w T anted particular.' ' 
When we got in the young woman was very short, 
and said as the house were that full, but Mrs. Edwards 
kep' a-sayin', "Come on." So up we goes that 
rapid as made my breath uncommon short, and if it 
hadn't been for the landin's as I rested on, I don't 
think as ever I should have got up. Of all the dark 
staircases as ever I was on it was the darkest, and 
that narrow as meetin* parties comin' down was 
squeezy work. 

" Bless your windows ! " says I to Mrs. Edwards, 
" wherever are they ? " as the room was chuckfull, and 
every room as w r e opened parties says, " Up higher." 
Up we goes till I says, " Well," I says, " Mrs. Edwards, 
higher we can't go unless it is the roof." A young 
chap as was a-comin' up says, " That's the best place." 

" What," I says, " thro' the cock-loft door." I says, 
"Never." Mrs. Edwards she says, "Oh, it will be 
beautiful, you'll see the procession a-comin and a- 
goin'." 

So through she gets, and she give me her hand, and 
begun a-pullin' that violent as I says, " Excuse me, 
but my sleeve is crackin' under the arm, and I'd rather 
manage for myself," as I did thro' a-takin' off my shawl 
and a-strugglin' up to that trap-doer, as is what I 



155 

might come to some day thro' it's bein' a fire-escape, 
as I don't believe no family ever could get through in 
time. When I was g'ot out there we was on the roof, 
with nothin' but the gutters for to stand in, except the 
hedge of the parapitch, as that young* chap would 
walk along, as made me all of a creep thro' terrors, a- 
knowin' well as there wasn't nothin' between him 
and distraction, as the noise down below was down- 
right scarify in'. So I says, " Whatever you do hold 
tight," I says, "for I know'd a party as fell thro' a 
skylight a-doin' this very thing, and if he hadn't pitched 
on his head into a tailor's workshop, as was able to 
catch him in their outstretched arms thro' a-settin' aH 
round at work, he'd have been broke to bits." 

It was all very fine to talk about Lord Mayor s 
Show, but, law bless you, I couldn't see nothin' of it 
thro' that parapitch bein' just on a level with my eyes, 
and as to climbin' up them tiles I says, " Not if I knows 
it." Well, Mrs. Edwards she'd scrambled up, and 
was a-standin' holdin' on to a stack of chimblies, a- 
say in' as she see beautiful, and as for me I was a- 
ihinkin' however I should g*et thro' that cock-loft agin' 
with the blacks a-comin' down in showers, when a 
red-faced party puts his head out at that trap-door, 
and says, " What are you a-doin' up here ? " I says, 
"Sir, I'm Mrs. Edwards' friend, as were brought here 
by that lady as is a-clingin' to the chimbly." 

I wouldn't repeat the words as that red-faced party 
used, not upon no account; but I hollors to Mrs. 
Edwards, but, bless you, she was a-wavin' of her 
handkerchief like mad as the procession was a-comin' 
along, and didn't hear me. So the red-faced man he 
shouts to her, " You come off my tiles, as will be 
broke to bits, or else," he says, "I'll have the police." 
I says, "I'm not on your tiles, and if I was," I says, 
" You dare moslest me at your peril, as might be any 
one's death a-terrifyin' like this." He says, "Come out." 



156 

Well, Mrs. Edwards she come along-, and didn't that 
man go on, and beg-un a-blowin' up the young- chap, as 
was his 'prentice, as turned on us a-sayin' we said we 
was friends, as is a thing- as never crossed my lips, 
and if we hadn't come to the wrong house thro' Mrs. 
Edwards mistakin' the corner. If there is a thing as 
I can't a-bear it's to look foolish ; but certainly that 
red-faced man needn't have give way to that lanwidge 
as he did. So I says, " Please for to recollect as you 
are addressin' of ladies," " Ladies," says he, '''pretty 
sort of ladies, prowlin' about and comin' into houses, 
there's lots of such about to-day." He says, " I shan't 
let you go till I've searched you." " What ! " I says, 
"you search me? I- should like to see you dare to 
it." I says, " Let me out." He says, " Come in." I 
says, " That's what I want to." I was in that fluster 
a-gettin' in at that trap thro' bein' hurried, that I 
missed the step as I did ought to have put my foot 
on, and in I went all of a slip like, and it's a mercy as 
the trap-door were that narrow as it caught me under 
the arms, or I might have been killed, but thro' a- 
comin' that sudden I ketched the red-faced man a 
kick in the pit of his stomach as reg'lar doubled him 
up. He sat a-howlin' on the landin' but, law bless 
you, I never stopped to look at him, for I'd got the 
start down them stairs, and away I went to the street- 
door, as was open, and I hurries out. 

The crowd was a-breakin' up, and I w r as that 
flurried, so I asks a policeman what I'd best do with 
no money and a-famishin' for something. As to Mrs. 
Edwards I couldn't see her nowhere. I says, " Get 
me a cab." Says the policeman, " There ain't no 
cabs allowed." And no more there wasn't, and if I 
wasn't oblidged to walk all the way to near Waterloo- 
bridge with not a halfpenny to pay the toll, and had 
to leave my 'ankercher, and got a cab home at last 

Mrs. Edwards she come the next day for to tell me 



157 

as she fell in with friends on the first floor, and spent 
a pleasant evenin', with tea and supper, to say nothing 
of lunch, and blamed my bein' in that hurry ; but she's 
a mean-minded woman for to have broke bread in 
that house after them insults ; but as to Lord Mayor's 
Show, it's a downright nuisance, and give me that 
cold as I've been in bed three days, and it's my opinion 
it did ought to be put down. 




No. 26. 

$$*»♦ ^xakm gets a %xmmz. 




F she's only half so good as her character 
as the lady give me, she will be a servant, 
as certainly was a quiet, genteel woman, 
a-livin' in the Old Kent-road, and never did I see 
door-steps better cleaned, nor a house neater with the 
parlours small, as looked cheerless through fancy 
papers in the grate, where I should have had a bit of 
fire. 

I don't think I ever see so many picters of ministers 
tog'ether in my life in one room, as turned out as 
she'd known a-many, and was constant at the large 
chapel by the Elephant and Castle; not as I cares for 
them places myself, as I considers much the same as 
theayters for a Sunday evenin'. 

I'm sure the way as she spoke for that young 
woman with a tearful eye quite made me take to her. 
But of all the creatures as ever I got under my roof it 
was that young woman as the lady said would prove 
a treasure. 

Up in the mornin' she never was till I'd tore the bell 
down, and obliged for to take in the milk myself over 
and over agin, and in her bed, leastways ought to 
have been, by ten every night. 

She come into my place with nothin' but what she 
stood up and in a blue bandbox tied up in a white 'an- 
kercher, a-sayin' as her box would foller, and so it did, 
as was empty I could see through the man a-liftin' of it 



159 

easy over the gate and her a takin' it, a-thinkm* I 
didn't see through its comin' at dark, but I ain't got 
my eyes for nothin' with a gas-lamp in front of our 
door. 

She says to me on the Monday follerin' as she come 
on the Saturday, " If you wouldn't mind lettin' me 
'ave half-a-sovereign, as would enable me for to 
get a bit of long cloth and some stockin's," as I did 
not withhold through a-knowin' what it is to be short 
myself. 

I don't believe as she laid out a penny on it on things 
as is useful, for I ketched her a-dryin' on her stockin's 
at the kitchen fire, as she was a-settin' without over 
her supper beer, as I allows her half-a-pint, and in 
my opinion quite enough too. 

Eight pounds a year was her wages, and our tea- 
pot, as I always makes gcod, and never one to take 
more than two cups and Brown three as relishes his 
tea to the last, and won't stand no water-be-witched, 
as the sayin' is. 

As to cookin' that young woman know'd no more 
than a acrobat as tumbles in the streets, for if she 
didn't put the potatoes on as she was a-washin' up the 
breakfast things, and let 'em boil to starch, as I see 
with my own eyes. 

But what put me out was her pretendin' to know 
everything and not likin' to be spoke to; not as I cared 
much about the cookin' through the week, for Brown 
was only home to his supper, as I looked to myself, 
but on the Sunday week follerin' Brown's aunt was a~ 
comin' to dinner and Mr. and Mrs. Brodlins. So I'd 
got a nice piece of loin of weal and a Bath chap, with 
some brussels-sprouts and potatoes, with a bread-and- 
butter puddin' and a apple tart. 

In course I didn't leave the pastry to her, as I don't 
hold with any one as does dirty work a-makin' pies 
and puddin's for me, well knowin' as they'll have a 



i6o 

hot, heavy hand even if it should be a clean one, as 
isn't over likely. So I sends the tart to the baker's, 
and it's a mercy I did, for if that gal didn't go and 
put that bread-and-butter puddin' up in the oven and 
forget all about it, and when it come out it was for 
all the world like a roasted hare for colour, and then 
she ups and says to my face, "Well, you said as you 
liked it well browned." 

I says to her, " Whatever you do soak that chap 
well, and don't let it boil hard ; " but she must have let 
it gallop, for when it come to table no human knife 
couldn't make no way into it. 

As to the w r eal it was raw, though I'd been poisoned 
all the mornin' with the smell of it a-burnin', and coals 
in the drippin'-pan a-flarin', and me only able to call 
to her over the stairs, through not likin' to leave Brown's 
aunt, as had come that early as to take up all my 
time, and if that gal didn't say as she know'd her 
work, quite short. 

As to the dinner, however I got through it I don't 
know, for if she hadn't been and cut away all the fat 
and kidney from the weal, and told me as she'd always 
seen it drawed, as she called it, me a-findin' out as 
she'd put it in her grease-pot unbeknown, as she kep' 
on the sly through me a-tellin' her as they was things 
as I won't have in my house. 

It's a mercy as I had a bit of loin of mutton in the 
house, and went dow r n and cooked chops myself, as 
was sent up hot and hot ; and Brown was able to cut 
enough weal for his aunt, as kep' a-grumblin' all the 
time at losin' of the kidneys. 

Well, that gal she said as she wouldn't miss her 
chapel was it ever so, as she always kep' to of a 
Sunday evenin' ; and I says, " Very well, Mary Ann, 
go and welcome ; but," I says, " I think as you might 
find a place of worship nearer nor the Elephant and 
Castle." But I lets her go, as Mrs. Giddins was able 



i6i 

for to come in to clear away the tea, and help me for 
to mince up the weal for a bit of supper ; for I don't 
hold as a mutton chop round is much for a Sunday s 
dinner. 

Well, we got through the supper well, with a bit of 
toasted cheese to make up. Glad I was when they 
was gone, and Mrs. Giddins says, " It's gone ten, and 
would you want anything more ? •' I says, " Ain't that 
young woman come in ? " 

" No," says she. "Well," I says, " don't you wait," 
I says, " but them hours won't suit me." 

We was got up to bed when I heard her ring. So 
Brown he says, " I'll let her in ;don"t say nothin' to- 
night." So he did, and come up a-sayin' as she'd 
met her brother, and lost her way a-comin' home, and 
all as I says is " Rubbish ! " 

I was not a-sleepin' over well, for my heart misgive 
me about that young woman over-sleepin' herself, and 
knowin' as Mrs. Giddins would be six to the minute, 
as any one would be with a hard day's wash a-starin* 
them in the face, and I heard the clock at the distillery 
strike twelve when I was a-droppin' off, and of all the 
smells of burnin' I never did. So I jumps up and says, 
* Brown, we're a-bein' burnt in our beds," as only 
replies " Bother " throug-h his snores, but I opens the 
door and hollars to him that loud as roused him sudden. 
I says, "Mark my words, if it ain't that hussy," and 
rushes up to her room, as is the front attic, and a 
ncble room too, and if the door wasn't locked though 
I'd took away the key with my own hands, through 
not a-holdin' with servants a-locking theirselves in. 

Brown he was up by that time, and give the door 
one pris° >udden with his foot and shoulder, and busted 
it in. 

If that gal wasn't only just waked up, as had been 
a-readin' in bed with the candle on her band-box, 
as was on a chair by the bedside, all a-smoulderin* 



1 62 

away like, and bust in a flame when the door was 
opened, as Brown shoved into the grate, and if there'd 
been curtains to that bed we should all have perished, 
and if that hussy hadn't got sperrits in a bottle, least- 
ways there w r as the bottle on the mantelshelf. 

•So I says, " You march, my lady, as soon as ever 
daylight comes." So I takes the lucifers away and 
locks her in the room, a-sayin' as I'd have in the police 
if she dared to speak, as she never said a word till I 
opens the door in the mornin' after I'd let in Mrs. 
Giddins, and if that creature wasn't dressed in her 
bonnet and shawl, and says, " I'll leave your house, 
and am a-goin' for a cab." 

I says, " Leave my house you do ; but," I says, 
'•'as to a cab, you walked here and might walk 
away." 

Well, she bounced out of the place, and never 
come back till just on eleven, as the pot-boy was 
a-bringin' Mrs. Giddins her noonin's, as the say in' is. 
She says " I wants my wages and my property." 

I says " There's your week's money, as I'd scorn to 
keep." She says, " I'll have a month's.'' 

I says, "Will you? Do you see anything green 
about me ? " She says to the cabman, Cl Come in and 
help me down with my box." I says, "You stop 
where you are, cabman — I'm not a-goin' to have my 
passage and stair-carpets all mudded by you." I 
says, "You can carry the box down yourself for all 
that's in it." She says, "It was that heavy as she 
couldn't." 

"Well, then," I says, "I'll see what's in it." 

Of all the iciges as she flew in and abuse was fright- 
ful ; but as luck would have it a policeman were a- 
passin'. So I calls him in, as shet her up pretty quick, 
and the things as was in that box, all my property, 
beggars descriptions, as the say in' is; but as I'd had quite 
enoug-h of them courts, I wouldn't give her in charge 



i6 3 

though the policeman would have took her like a bird. 
She'd got bed linen and a bolster, to say nothin' of 
my stocking and a black lace wale, and two blankets 
as she must have took out from between the mattrass in 
the front room, and a lot of curtains as I'd got put 
away, and two muslings as was rough-dried, and 
a pair of Brown's boots. So I turned the wagabone 
out with her empty box, and clean forgot as I'd let 
her have half-a-sovereig-n the Monday after she came. 

Well, I thought it was my duty for to call on that 
lady as give me the character, and warn her agin 
such a impostor ; but, law bless you, she said as I was 
very uncharitable, and however was a young woman 
for to be reclaimed, and she let out she know'd nothin' 
about her, and had never had her in her house. 

So I says, "Well, mum, you maybe very pious and 
all that, but let me tell you as the next time you wants 
to reclaim any one, try them in your own house first, 
and don't be that charitable with other parties. I 
don't keep no refuge for the destitute under my roof, 
and," I says, "as you're that particular about your 
chapel, p'rhaps if you wasn't to give false characters 
as is all a parcel of lies, it would be as well." A 
cantin' old cat, as turned up her eyes and said I 
wasn't a renewed character, as I'd have persecuted, 
only Brown said as she'd not be worth the trouble, as 
I don't think she were, for I'm sure you'd better put 
up with anything rather than have to go to law, as is 
the way to lose time, temper, money, and everything 
else. But I only hopes as I shan't never have a 
treasure recommended to me again. 



No. 27. 




\" ] I jj ELL, I says, keep it in welcome as far as I'm 
concerned, though for my part I can't ever 
think what people wants a-keepin' of birth- 
days, as only makes you a year older, as fronts won't 
keep down nor false teeth obliterate, though I've 
know'd 'em that natural as you could crack a nut with 
them, as I've seen Mrs. Arden at the " Risin' Sun " 
do often and often out of bravo to her husband, as 
wasn't nothin' but a mask of gums. It was wonderful 
however he could macerate his wittles, and hard-biled 
beef too, as had been let gallop to death through her 
never bein' a cook in my opinion, as had a heavy 
hand at pastry, and hashed mutton downright beastly. 

Well, he says as he'd a few old pals as he should 
like to see at his table, as would make seven in all, 
me included ; not as I wanted for to be present with 
their baccy pisonin' one, as clung to the curtains for 
weeks to come, and if you'd seen that carpet the next 
mornin', as I cleaned myself with a ox gall, as made 
the room that unbearable as I didn't fancy it all the 
summer. 

So I says, " Brown," I says, " it's my opinion as 
youd better keep your birthday, as is your own affair, 
all to yourself." "Well," he says, " I think that's a 
odd way of bein' jolly, Martha." 

" I means with your friends, in course," says I ; " but 



165 

I think as I may as well keep out of the room." He 
says, "Martha," a-lookin' at me hard, "you ain't a 
bad sort, and have been my wife two-and-thirty year, 
and I think as you might keep my birthday with me, 
I mayn't have many more." 

I says, " Go along- with your nonsense," for I felt a 
sort of a chokey feelin' in my throat, " you'll live for to 
torment me many a day, I know ; but/' I says, " I'll 
keep your birthday for all that with pleasure if you 
wishes it." 

Certainly Brown is a wonderful-lookin' man for 
fifty-four, as upright as a dart, and when tidied up, 
and took a pride in, was once took for vally de 
chamber to a nobleman. 

So I thought as they should have a nice supper, as 
I calls a jugged hare and a goose, with a apple tart and 
bloo monge, as I'm a famous hand at, and have known 
the dish come down from parties licked clean, as the 
sayin' is, through ladies' a-takin' to it so. 

I'm glad for to see any one as is a friend as my 
husband brings home, and as to old Mr. Wells and 
his son-in-law, Mr. Bunter, why I'm proud for to see 
them men, as is ornaments as I calls them, and in the 
funeral furnishin' line. 

Then there's Mr. Packman, as is a reg'lar twetny- 
shillin'-in-the-pound man, and that's what I calls a 
good man. 

Then there was Mr.Welby, as have seen better days, 
a good sort of man enough no doubt, but ain't never 
done well at nothin', and the money that man's had 
out of Brown is downright ruin, and all chucked in 
the dirt, and him always a-comin' with some new 
vagaries, as wanted to persuade me as there was a, 
company for makin' of milk from horse-beans, as I 
says, " More shame for 'em, as can't give no nourish- 
ment, and must be a heatin' thing for a young child." 

But of all the vulgar, low-lived parties as ever I set 

G 



1 66 

down with it was a gent called Haggles, as has only- 
just come into the club. 

They calls him good company, but not for me, a- 
turnm' everythin' into ridicule from the goose upper- 
most, and a-makin' remarks as I calls downright 
low-lived. 

The way as he slopped things about, a-messin' my 
new table-cover with brewin' his punch, as was that 
acid for to set your teeth on a hedge, and didn't suit 
me, as only took a little somethin' hot for to drink 
Brown's health. 

About half-past ten when Mr. Wells would go, 
through livin' over by Whitechapel Church, as is a long 
distance from South Lambeth, I says, " Gentlemen, if 
you will excuse me, I shall say good-night, a-wishing 
as you may enjoy yourselves," and up-stairs I goes. 
I might as well a-stopped down for all the rest as I 
got, for really you would have thought as them men 
had gone mad. Of all the singin' and shoutin' down- 
right pot-house. 

" Well," I says, "it don't happen often, so I may 
as well bear it," as I naterally thought would give in 
by twelve at latest. But law bless you, I heard the 
clock strike one, and if they wasn't still at it. Sleep I 
couldn't, so I set up a-noddin' in my chair, when all 
of a-sudden if they wasn't a-singin' and a dancin'. I 
says, "They've drunk themselves foolish," as is de- 
gradin' habits as I don't hold with. 

They was at their highjinks, and me a-thinkin' as I 
must interfere through a-knowin' as the lady next 
door was hardly down-stairs, when I hears a crash as 
though powder mills had gone off under my very 
nose, with the fire-irons a jingling like mad. So down 
I rushes, just as I was, with a shawl throwed round 
my shoulders, and when I opened the door, it was a 
sight, for if them fools wasn't a-standin' round the 
table with the fire-irons in their hands as they'd been 



i67 

a-dancin' to and a-singin' "Slap Bang-," a-lookin' 
all aghast, as the say in' is, and if the table wasn't a 
regular deluge of plaister, a large lump of the or- 
nament round where the g'as hangs havin' come 
down. 

Everything was smashed to atoms, and all their 
glasses broke, as I wasn't sorry for, and if that young- 
Hagqles didn't begin to make free with my bein' in 
my nightcap, Brown a-joinin' in the laughture. 

Well, it did put me out for to see that little Welby 
that far gone in drink as begun for to caper about 
the place singin' as he was a Jolly Dog, for all the 
world like a demented hape. So I says, " It's all 
very well for you to be a-settin' up all night and 
drinkin' like a sponge, but," I says, " in my opinion 
you'll be better at home." 

Brown, he turns on me like a tiger broke loose, 
and says, " Now you hook it, or else we shall have 
words," as I see by his looks was a little on. 

So I says, " I'm a goin' ; but," I says," you'll please 
to remember as I'm over head, and don't want my 
four-post bed, as is full large for the room, to come 
through with the ceilin'." So them fellows said they'd 
go, but bless you Brown wouldn't let 'em. For 
there was clean glasses on the side and more sperrits, 
and if they didn't have glasses round, and made me 
have a drop, as was p'raps as well, for I felt all of a 
chill like. 

"When I did go up again, for they said they was a- 
goin', I'm sure I stood on the top of them stairs 
ever so long, with a draught a rushin' up enough for 
to turn a mill, and me that frightened as they'd set 
the place a-fire, as is my horrors. 

At last I was thankful for to hear them savin' good- 
night, and the time as they was a findin' of their hats 
and umbrellers seemed a age, as the sayin' is. 

When they was gone, I know'd as Brown wasn't no 



i68 

more capable of puttin' up the chain, nor turnin' out 
the gas than nobody. So down I goes, and if he 
wasn't a-settin' on the bottom stair a-dodgin' at his 
boots as he was a-tryin' to undo. So I squeezes by 
him and fastens the door, puts out the gas, and come 
for to get him up-stairs ; but, law bless you, move 
him I couldn't, and he set there first a-smilin' and a 
callin' me a angel ; then begun for to have words 
through me a-gettin' impatient, bein' kep' a-standin' 
there so long, and said as we should part, and all of 
a sudden busted out a-cryin', a sayin' as he was a 
miserable wretch. So I says, " Get up-stairs, there's 
a dear," a coaxin' on him, and give him my hand for 
to get him up. 

Well, he gets on his feet as he couldn't keep, and 
pitches for'ard right agin me, as knocked the candle 
out of my hand, and throw'd me back'ards all along 
that passag*e ; it's a mercy as he didn't fall on me, or 
it would have been my dyin' hour, I do believe. 

The noise of my fall brought the gal down, as 
thought we were both bein' murdered, and would have 
called in the police if I hadn't a-stopp'd her, through 
not wishing the disgrace. 

Whilst the gal was a-gettin' me up, if Browx 
didn't make a sudden bolt up-stairs, get into the 
room and lock the door. Hammerin' wasn't no 
good ; so, as he hadn't no light, I gets into the back 
bed, and got to sleep. 

But, bless you, my lord was up and off betimes in 
the mornin' afore I was stirrin', and never showed 
up till supper time, and said as it was all my fancy 
ubout his bein' on, as the smell of the punch had 
upset me. 

I'm sure five pounds won't set my front parlour to 
rights ; and as to Brown bein' sober, I'm sure he 
never was, or he wouldn't have gone 10 oed in his 
boots. 



No. 28. 

Ife $xatim an Wakxn 5i0uK.cs. 




|OUSES indeed! I calls 'em reg'lar ram- 
shackel nutshells, run-up rubbish, where you 
can't drive a nail with safety nor hang up 
a picter with comfort. 

Certainly they was elegant outside, with their white 
fronts and 'andsome windows to look at ; but I never 
see such glass to look through, as made things seem 
that drawed out as you didn't know the postman from 
the pot-boy. 

As to anythin' a-fittin', there wasn't a window- 
frame as didn't shake like earthquakes with me only 
a-walkin' across the room, and as to the Butlers, as 
lives next door but three, they give a evenin' party as 
brought the floor in. 

They invited me and Brown, as didn't wish for to 
go, bein' one as don't hold with no goin's out through 
a-takin' of his pipe quiet in the front kitchen, as is a 
pretty room, bein' meant for a sittin'-room, not as 
ever I fancied it, havin' a mouldy smell, and bein' 
frequent overflowed in the spring tides. 

Why ever they calls them spring I can't think, for 
we was very near floated out twice the week afore 
last, and November no one can't call spring. 

I'm sure the shock as that Mrs. Giddins give me 
I never shall forget, as is a wrong-headed woman as 
ever I had in my house, though I will say clean and 



170 

honest. Not as I holds with her officious ways, as led 
to her washin' away every bit of my mock turtle, as 
I'd been two days a-maikin'. For Brown says to me 
as he'd got a calf s-head cheap, as is a thing- as a 
little goes a long- way in my opinion, though with a 
bit of bacon he relished for his supper. So I makes 
the rest into mock turtle, and the forcemeat I was 
proud on, and puts it out to cool in a picklin'-pan in 
the back kitchen. 

It was the day after that gal left as Fd give warn- 
in' to, through her a-sayin' as she'd rather starve 
than eat cold mutton, as was good enough for me. 

So I had Mrs. Giddixs in for half-a-day to tidy up 
the place ready for the young woman as was a-comin' 
that evenin\ When I come down after a-puttin' on 
my cap for tea, I see that picklin'-pan washed up 
clean. 

So I says, "Wherever have you put my soup?" 
"What soup?" says she. 

"That as w r as in that pan," says I. "That muck," 
says she. " Why I've throwed it down the sink,' , 
through her ignorance, not a-knowin' what it really 
were. 

I was that wild as I could have throwed her down 
after it, but as she didn't go to do it I said no more. 

I said to her a little later on, " Mrs. Giddins, I want 
you to go up into the lumber-room," as is over my 
bed-room, a sort of cupboard in the slant of the roof, 
as I'd put away some boxes in, " and pull me out a 
black portmanty," as I wanted to get somethin' out on. 
Up she goes all of a bustle. 

I says, "Tread light," through a-knowin' as there 
wasn't no floor but lath and plasters to that cupboard. 
"All right," says she. 

So I hearin' her a-rummagin' and a-pullin' the 
things about calls cut, " Can't you find it ? " She 
says, " If you'd come and hold the candle I could get 



171 

it out/' as was jammed and crammed tight in the 
corner. 

Up I goes and takes the candle, and there we was 
a-standin' in that cupboard, as is nothin' but beams. 
I was standin' on a beam, and Mrs. Giddins in front 
on me, a-haulin' at that portmanty like mad. Well, 
she gives it a pull with all her force as made it come 
out all of a sudden like. 

The jerk as she give it throwed her back agin me 
as tipped me off the beam on to the lath and plaster, 
and through I goes, with that crash as made me think 
the house was all about our ears. 

I struggles natural, as any one would, and, ketchin' 
hold of Mrs. Giddins pulls her through too. 

Well, there we was through the ceilin', with our 
legs a-danglin' in my bedroom, and that caught as 
we couldn't get up, Mrs. Giddins a-screamin' like 
wild as she was murdered, with the candle knocked 
out, and we might have been there till now, only as 
luck would have it Brown come in earlier than I ex- 
pected. But, law bless you, he could do nothin' for 
ever so long for laughin', and when he did draw us 
up, if he didn't say as Mrs. Giddins were a old fool 
and me another for not knowin' better than to tread 
on lath and plaster, as is -a downright disgrace for 
floorin'. 

If you'd seen my bedroom it was a perfect wilder- 
ness for bits of mortar, and why it didn't all come down 
together I can't make out. I never shall forget the 
way as them walls wouldn't hold a picter of a aunt of 
Brown's as left us the bit of property as we're a-livin' 
on. A beautiful picter it was, as her good gentleman 
paid thr&e guineas for to have painted by a painter as 
had done Queen Caroline in a low-necked dress, 
with a pink hat and the cheeks to match, as had a 
bird on her finger. 

The trouble as I've took with that frame a-keepin' 



off the flies in summer with yeller calamancer nobody 
wouldn't believe, and so I did ought to, for it cost 
thirty shillin's second-hand, lovely gold shell-work 
at the four corners. 

Well, we hung it up in the front parlour over the 
mantel-piece, where I'd got some beautiful wax fruit 
underneath a glass cover, with a peach stone, that 
nat'ral as you'd a-took and cracked it, and it looked 
downright noble. We hung it up, as I was sayin', 
just afore supper, Mrs. Giddixs and me, with a nail 
that long as I thought it w r ould go through the next 
door, for it went in that sudden with only two blows 
of a flat-iron. 

Just as I was a-helpin' Brown to a bit of pickled 
pork and greens, there come a crash as if heaven 
and earth had come together. I looks at Browx, and 
he looks at me. " Whatever can it be i" says he. 
"The picter," says I. 

Up I rushes, and of all the sights it was that picter, 
for if it hadn't pulverised my wax fruit, and split the 
marble chimly-piece, and, wust of all, it had ketched 
agin the corner of the fender, as Mrs. Giddixs had 
been that foolish for to leave a-standin' on the rug 
through a-movin' of it for to put the steps nearer when 
we was a-hangin' of the picter up, and if the comer 
of the fender hadn't gone right through her cheek, 
a-tearin' away a bit of the nose. 

The walls was that rotten all over the house. At 
to the kitchen dresser, it was a-startin' right away 
from them, and the plates and dishes in constant 
jeopardy, and the draught round them skirtin' boardi 
was enough to blow your legs off: there wasn't a 
door as w r ould shut, and as to the cockroaches and 
beadles as made that free that the kitchen floor was 
black with them ; not for to mention things as was in 
the bedrooms as defied soft soap, and turps didn't take 
no effect on ; and all the satisfaction as I got was to be 



173 

told as they was in the woods as come from America, 
as I can easily believe, for in my opinion them 'Men- 
cans is capable of any thin', like all those niggers as 
I remembers well was 'mancipated along with the 
Catholics many years ago ; not as ever I could a-bear 
them blacks, nor fancy moist sugar, as they mauls 
about with their hands and feet; a-butcherin' of 
women and children, as is their savage natures ; but 
if they'd have kept their beastly woods to theirselves 
I shouldn't have cared, as has caused me many a 
sleepless night, and my four-post took down three 
times in five weeks, for rest I can't with the thought 
of them in my head, and shouldn't have minded so 
much if the landlord hadn't give me his impudence, 
a-sayin' as his house was built for ladies and gentle- 
men, as didn't go a-tearin' about like mad bulls. 

So I says, " If you are alludin' to me in mad bulls, 
I'd thank you for to remember as you're a-talking to 
a lady ; and as to your house, I only hope it will 
hold together till our year is. out, and then catch me 
a-stoppin' in your place, as is a mean dusthole " 




No. 29. 

g$rs. ^xabm %m to h» €fera»# fartg. 




I E did ought to go, Brown, in my opinion," 
says I. "Oh, bother!" says he, "I ain't 
a-goin' to make a fool of myself at my 
time of life." 

"Well," I says, "it's not makin' a fool of nobody 
for to be perlite," and with a printed note too as looked 
beautiful, a-requestin' of the pleasure of our company 
with quadrilles in the corner. He busts out a laughing 
a-sayin' as he should like for to see me a quadrilling 
in a corner. 

So I says, "There's no occasion for no rudeness, 
Mr. Brown, as have danced often in my time and 
with your betters, as was young Master Watts, 
where I lived first, as would often get me for to 
practise the Spanish dance with him in a round jacket 
and broad collar, with his hair long and white silk 
stockings and pumps through it's bein' Twelfth Night, 
as they drawed king and queen beautiful with a cake 
like the driven snow." Says Brown, "If you'll 
promise for to dance, Til go." 

I says, "Go on with your rubbish." "Well," he 
says, " I means it, for," he says, " there must be some- 
one on hand for to dig you out of the rubbish, for 
you'll bring the place about their ears as sure as ever 
they lets you do it." 

I says, " Mr. Brown, redicules ain't no argyments ; 



175 

but," I says, "dance or no dance, I goes to this 
party." He only says, " All right," and smokes away 
like a burnin' furnace. 

The next mornin' I gets Miss Lester, as lives 
nearly opposite, and is a friendly gal, for to answer 
the note very genteel and say as we excepted the in- 
vitation, "For," she says, "you can say as Mr. Brown 
have a bad cold, or somethin' like that, when you 
goes in without him," as surprised me through her 
bein' of a serious turn. 

IVe got a lovely gownd as is a satin turk a deep 
crimson, as belonged to a lady as wore it when she 
dined at the Lord Mayor's with Queen Victoria first 
a-comin' to the throne. A noble gownd it is, as I 
cleaned from top to bottom with my own hands with 
a little sperrits and flannel. It fitted me like wax only 
a little tight in the armholes, as Miss Lester said 
didn't signify, as I needn't lift my arms up. 

I got a very nice blue crape turban, with silver 
spangles, as sets the face off, and with my new hair, 
as was made for me in the City, I think as I had 
everything nice. 

I wore a handsome scarf over my shoulders, as was 
a bright orange, and with white gloves and a fan, I 
do assure you any one might have been proud to have 
took me out. 

When I was dressed Brown I know'd would be full 
of his jeers, so I didn't go down to him, through not 
a-wishin' to be baccy-smoked as I told him over the 
bannisters. As to our Sarah, that gal couldn't take 
her eyes off me, a-sayin' as I looked for all the world 
like waxwork as she seed at the West-end, where all 
the Royal families is in a Chamber of Horrors. 

It was a pourin' wet night, but I would not have a 
cab through it only beiri three doors off, and Miss 
Lester a-pinnin' me up all round so as not to be 
splashed, with a large cloak throwed over me and a 



176 

shawl over my head and Sarah holding the um- 
brella. 

Whatever we pay pavin' rates for I can't make out, 
it's downright disgraceful the way as they've left them 
flagstones in our street, that loose as I stepped on one, 
and up it goes with a flop and sends a large puddle 
as was under it all up my stockin's, and reg'lar deluged 
my overshoes. 

Goin' up them steps to Mrs. Butler's door was 
dreadful, for my gownd hung down and come in 
contract with the wet stones and dabbed me dreadful. 
I w T as forced for to send Sarah back for clean 
stockings, and had to have my shoes dried in the 
kitchen afore I could go into the room where they was 
all a-sittin' round the walls a-takin' of tea. I certainly 
did take a cup for the look of the thing, as were only 
loo warm, and I should say half-a-crown the pound. 
There was thin bread and butter as I couldn't eat 
through the butter bein' what I calls reg'lar cartgrease, 
and as to the tea-cake it was cold and broke to bits, 
with a sweet taste as made that rank butter taste 
worse than ever. 

Mrs. Butler is a weazel-figgered woman, as wears 
no cap, with grey hairs and not much on it. 

As to her daughter 'Liza Ann, she's a fright all 
over, with her hair in a crop and a white frock, as had 
been washed with a deal too much blue-bag for me, 
and wasn't never made for her in my opinion. 

As to old Butler, nobody seemed to mind him, as 
was a simple sort of party, as I see myself a-cribbin' 
of the cakes and drinkin' of the negus on the sly. 

If he could drink it I couldn't, as had been made 
with cream o' tartar I could swear, and as to wine,- 
why, it's my opinion as they forgot to put it in. 

Well, there were a deal of music, as was no doubt' 
very fine for them as understands it, and one young 
gent as had a lovely shirt tront, though only Scotch 



177 

cambric, with his hair parted down the middle and a 
flower in his coat, as they'd said he'd give ninepence 
for alone. He certainly sung very nice, though it's 
my opinion as his boots was torments to him, bein' 
patent leather stitched with yeller thread as you 
could see. 

Law, the way as them gals went on over that young 
fellow was downright barefaced. At last 'Liza Butler 
got quite put out, and called Miss Shellins a spiteful 
thing to her face, as was a setttin' down to play on the 
piano when the music-stool give way with her all of 
a crash, and knocked my negus out of my hand 
through my arms bein' that pinioned as I couldn't 
save it. I'm sure when Miss Shellins come to play 
it was nothin' partikler, and as to her song as her ma 
played the music to, it was reg'lar laughture and 
nothin' more. There was a hand at cards, as I didn't 
join in, through cribbage bein' all as I knows, but 
Mrs. Shellins she set down to whist, and didn't know 
no more than I do, and that aggravated a lady as 
were her pardner, as caused her for to tell her to her 
face as she didn't play no better at cards than she did 
on the pianer. 

There was a pretty filliloo, I can tell you, as broke 
up the cards, as I wasn't sorry, for really I was 
beginnin' to feel the want of my supper, as half-past 
eight is my hour, and now a quarter to ten. Law 
bless you, I don't think as people as gives parties 
thinks about comfort, for I'm sure there weren't no 
comfort there. 

I set a-noddin' in a corner, feelin' ready for to drop, 
and my new hair kep' a gettin' loose in single hairs 
across my face, a-makin' my nose itch that violent as 
I couldn't get my hand near for rest. Well, of a sudden 
I give a sneeze that violent, and heard a bang*. 

I know'd it was my gownd give way, and so it did, 
and simultanous like, at each arm-hole. I didn't take 



1 7 8 

no notice, thro' a-knowin' as my scarf were pinn'd 
down, and I wasn't sorry, as the gownd had give 
way as enabled me to breathe more free, and to get 
my 'ankercher up to my face. 

Well, supper came at last, as was sandwiches, and 
cakes, and jelly, with wine and water. You might 
have knocked me down with a leather. Call that 
supper as wasn't more than toothfuls ! There was 
cold roast beef, bread and cheese, and beer, on the 
sideboard, as Mrs. Butler said were for the 
gentlemen. 

I'd a-give anythin' for a slice of that beef and a 
good pull at the beer, but law bless you, I was reg'lar 
hemmed in, and didn't like for to ask for none, as I 
could not have eat it comfortable on my lap. As to 
them sandwiches, they wasn't human, tho' Mrs. Butler 
did keep a-sayin' as she cured her own 'ams, as she 
might have done others, but this one wasn't cured at all, 
and looked that measly as wasn't fit to eat, and in 
my opinion was cured from the cookshop at the corner. 

I had the presence of mind for to ask for a glass 
of beer, for drink that Cape wine I can't. 

I might have got on pretty well, pr'aps, if it hadn't 
been as a bit of somethin' in the sandwich got down 
the wrong way, and made me cough that violent as I 
couldn't a-bear myself. I felt half choked, and jumps 
up for hair to get my breath. 

I sits down agin barely recovering, when old Butler 
makes a rush across the room at the tongs, as was 
close to me, ketches 'em up, seizes hold of my turban, 
pulls it off, with my hair, and throws it all in flames 
into the grate. 

I thought I would have died with my bald head 
afore all the company, as I couldn't get my scarf 
over. If I hadn't been and set light to my turban 
through a-shovin' it agin' a candle over the mantel- 
piece. 



179 

No doubt I might have been burnt serious but for 
Butler, only I think he might as well have tried some- 
thin' else, not as water was any good, for Fm sure 
that young gentleman in the shirt-front deluged me 
with a jugful, as made me savage through the danger 
bein' over. 

I was only too glad for to get home anyhow. Brown 
was a-bed when I got home, so I didn't say nothin' to 
him ; but when I looked at my things all spoilt I says 
to myself, *' No more parties for me ; " but I didn't 
know the wust till the next day, when our Sarah told 
me as after I was gone they got a dancin' and Brown's 
words came true, for if the ceilin' didn't give way 
over their heads and under their feet, and the neigh- 
bours come in for to stop it, or they'd have had the 
row all down. So, you see, it was lucky as I did 
ketch light, or I might have ended like a earthquake 
as swallows everythin' up, as the sayin' is. 




No. 30. 

$$rs, ^xtiian on 3atitty. 




CERTAINLY very well knows that I'm 
better off nor I expected to be, but that's not 
my case alone, for look at them Lord Mayors, 
as often comes from nothing*, and Louis Napoleon, as 
I've heard say was brought down to mend his own 
boots in a back garret of St. Giles's, where in my 
opinion he might be now for all I cares, for I don't 
hold with them Brummagem kings and queens like 
some, as might as well stop in the Sandwich Islands 
as come here a-showin' their black faces, as I see her 
myself with nothin' but a converted boatswain for a 
father, though they do say as she is amiable, but, as 
I says, why not stop at home, and then no questions 
wouldn't be asked. 

As for that Miss Chellins a-tellin' me as they 
wouldn't never have asked me into their society if 
they'd know'd as I'd been a monthly nuss its down- 
right cheek. 

So I says, "Miss Chellins, your words is falsehood, 
though pr'aps unbeknown to utter. I never were a 
monthly nuss ; not as I'm goin' to deny havin' been 
with parties in their troubles, as I should not mention 
through its bein' a-blowin' of my own trumpet, for I'm 
sure I never got a penny by it, and neglected my own 
home through a-seein' after others as proved un- 
grateful," as I'm sure that Mrs. Waddell was, as I 



i8i 

stayed with off and on over six weeks, and then to 
say as she couldn't sleep for my snores, as am a 
infant in my slumbers. 

"No," I says, "Miss Chellins, I can hold up my 
head with anybody, for I was a poor g-irl, though 
brought up respectable, with hard-workin' parents, 
and my father a fellowship porter, as was crushed 
between two lighters a-closin' as he slipped wi:h a 
sack of wheat on his back, and a mercy he wasn't 
drownded though, and never able for to straighten 
hisself to his dyin' day, and fourteen shilling a week 
pension ain't much for them as had had three pounds 
and five in family, and I'm sure the way as my dear 
mother slaved is a credit to her memory, as lies in 
Horselydown Churchyard, though a-wishin' to be 
buried in Redriff with her parents, close to Prince 
Leboo, as they didn't never ought to have brought 
from his friends, as is well-known that they never 
can live through it, for however can they throw it out 
through a black skin, as must be that tough as defies 
perspiration. 

11 So when she was a widow and me only sixteen, 
I goes to service, and never had but two places in 
seven years, as ended in marrying Brown, as w r ere 
as steady as Old Time with a horse and caiQ, 

" I had worked hard as a gal at home, and worked 
hard as a wife, and the mother of five and buried two. 
A happy wife too, though I must say as I do think 
Brown were harsh about Ned, as wasn't a bad boy, 
though one as would answer, as the father couldn't 
give in to; but pr'aps it's all for the best, though I 
did nearly break my heart when he 'listed ; but now 
as he's give up soldierin', is doin' well in Canada, and 
sent me home that five pounds, as is in the savings' 
bank now for him, as I'd rather have starved than 
touched, I seems reconciled. 

" He was a fine young fellow as ever you see, just 



1 82 

under six feet in his socks, with a good honest faee, 
and a mouth of teeth as might make a elephant 
envious for ivory. 

"I shan't never forget the evenin' as he come in 
to wish me good-bye, because Brown would'nt see 
him, and only seventeen. He was a brave boy. 
How I loved him when I see him with his under lip 
a-quiverin' like a arrow ; but he didn't give way, and 
I wouldn't neither, but spoke cheerful, a-tryin' for to 
joke him about his red coat. 

" It wouldn't do though, for I was pretty near a- 
chokin', and when he got up sudden like and said, 
" Good-bye, mother. Say God bless you, Ned, and 
then I shall go happy," I thought I must have died ; 
but no, I didn't, I give him a hearty mother's kiss and 
said, ' God bless you, my boy,' and off he went, but 
what it cost me to part with him, and just at Christ- 
mas too, nobody would ever know in this world." 

I says, " Miss Chellins, I'll trouble you for to take 
your muddy boots off my fender." 

I could a-said they ain't nothin' for to show, as was 
kid tops wore to nothin', only I wouldn't hurt her 
feelin's, though she might have had the mud brushed 
off, for poverty ain't no crime, though, in my opinion, 
dirt is despisable. So she says, " I'm a-goin'." 

I says, " By all means." She says, "I didn't go 
and say nothin' to Mrs. Butler, as was the party as 
told me as you was a nuss, and your daughters in ser- 
vice, and Mr. Brown only a engine-driver." 

I says, " Both my daughters was in service decided, 
and our Janet is married to a ivory-turner and a- 
doin' well, though not a young man as ever I took 
to, and don't see much on, for I never did go very 
often when they was in two rooms, and am not goin' 
now as they've got a pretty house, furnished beautiful, 
as I've only seen it twice, thro' him gettin' into a 
large way of business in the turnin' line. 



i83 

"As to my Eliza, as is the child of my heart, she's 
been three years in Devonshire, and is a-goin' to be 
married next month to a young" farmer, with two 
hundred acres of land, though livin' with a mother- 
in-law wouldn't suit me. 

" I wants her to come home to be married, and 
she wants me to go there, through the young ladies 
where she's been a-livin' a-wantin' her to be married 
there." 

"I don't know how they'll settle it, but I don't think 
as they'll ketch me a-doin' Devonshire this time of year, 
as is all very well in the spring, not as I holds with 
their clotted cream a-comin' up reg'lar churned by 
the railway.'' 

As I was a-sayin' to Miss Chellins, " Don't you 
ever fancy as your clothes will ever set the wuss on 
your back for bein' paid for honest with money as 
you've worked for. There's many gals now a- 
flauntin' about in dirty finery, as is a disgrace, with a 
cane crinoline for to stick it out, as might have been 
a decent servant and a credit to herself." 

So she ups and says as she never had no occasions 
to work, for her pa was a gentleman. 

A pretty sort of gentleman, with the heels wore 
off his boots and the fingers out of his gloves, with 
two hundred a year in some office, and eight to keep 
out of it, and owin' seventeen pounds at the chandlery 
shop, as I wouldn't have the firewood from. I have 
seen the butcher with my own eyes take the joint 
from the door through not givin' them credit for 
nothin'. 

I hadn't no patience with that gal a-settin' there 
a-talkin' about balls and parties, and how as her ma 
meant to give one, and for to ask me. So I says, 
" Miss Chellins, if you think as I wants any of your 
parties you're quite mistook, so don't let your ma 
bother her head about me." 



1 84 

She says, "I dare say as you would feel awkward 
as you did at Mrs. Butler's." 

I says, " Pray, whoever said as I was awkward 
anywhere?" I says; "and as to Mrs. Butler, she's 
no lady, and as to givin* parties, I think if she was to 
take her own father out of the workhouse it would 
be as well." 

I quite forgot as Miss Chellins were niece to Mrs. 
Butler, and as it were her grandpapa consequential 
in the workhouse. 

Up she fires, and says as he'd brought it on hisself 
through drink and gamin'. 

As quiet a old man, bless you, as can be, and doin' 
well once in the coal-shed line, where Mrs. Boddy, as 
washes my heavy things, know'd him well. 

I says, " Miss Chellins, poverty ain't no disgrace, 
though very ill-convenient; but/' I says, " don't go 
for to take away his character, poor old gentleman." 
She says, " He might a -rode in his carriage." 

I says, " Rubbish ! you means the cart as he took 
round the coals and wegetables in, as no doubt he 
often did." If she didn't get up and say I were a 
low-lived party, and not fit for society. 

So I says, "No, thank you, I am not, if society 
means a-cuttin' of a shabby genteel figger, with a 
rubbishin' gown on and stockin's as would disgrace a 
sweep, and a-starvin' of a servant-gal, and goin' in 
debt for a hearthstone, and a-top of all that, givin' a 
party with nothin' fit to eat or drink, then I'm not fit 
for it, and don't want it." I says, "None of your 
dashin' ways for me, as is only another name for the 
Insolvency Court." Well, she didn't hear no more, 
but goes out all of a bounce, and banged the street 
door pretty near off its hinges. 

When Brown was a-readin' the paper in the 
evenin', " Hallo," he says, " Martha, here's one ot our 
neighbours through the hoop." 



I says, "Whatever do you mean?" "Why/* he 
says, " Chellins, Laura -place, South Lambeth/' 

" What ?" says I. " Insolvent," says he. 

I thought I should have dropped, to think of me 
a-hurtin' that poor gal's feelin's like that ; but I says, 
" I'll go over the first thing in the mornin', and see if 
Mrs. Chellins wants a friend, for though I don't 
want none of her society, p'raps she'll put up with me 
now, when I dare say the evenin' party folks won't 
care to be there," 





No. 31. 

\x%> %ttfim \m a Dog to#|t $om 



ALWAYS did say, and them will be my 
words to my dyin' days, as animals is all 
very well in their places, and as to Brown 
a-sayin' as it don't take much for to keep a dog', why 
it's downright foolishness, and don't stand to reason, 
though certainly you wouldn't give to a infant what 
you gives to a dog, yet it costs money, as everythin' 
does as is money's worth, as the sayin' is. 

When I see Brown come up to the door a-leadin' 
of that big dog, as I took for a calf, it give me quite 
a turn. You never see such a awkward, knock-kneed, 
all-over-the-place animal, as didn't seem to have no 
command over hisself no ways, and by his footprints 
up them doorsteps you'd a-thought as he'd got fifty 
legs, that you would, like the alligator out of the 
woods. 

I says, " 'Liza Jane, don't open the front door for 
all his knockin'. I will not have that beast a- 
besmearin' my passage with his paws, as is capable 
of knockin' any one down if jumped on sudden." 

As well I remembers poor Mrs. Jacobs in Great 
Prescott-street, as was in the wholesale glass and china 
line, with things that lovely a-comin' constant from 
over there in wooden cases with paper shavin's as 
safeguards agin breakin', and always unpacked them 
in the fore court, as I've stood myself a-lookin' at, 



1% 

and I'm sure that dog" was her death, though bite 
her he did not, through her jumpin' on the crate for 
to save herself, as, turnin' up sudden, pitched her into 
the airey, and never spoke agin. 

So I don't hold with them large-sized dogs, as can 
reach up to the table with only their heads, and lick 
the cold meat if he hadn't time to collar the lot, as I 
see him try to do with my own eyes as Brown was 
a-leadin' him through for to tie him up by the water- 
butt. 

So I says to Brown, " Whatever are you a-goin' to 
do with him." He says, " I've only got him for a few 
days." 

But, bless you, I see as he was a-kiddin', as the 
sayin' is, and a-comin* the artful to see how I took it. 
§o I says, " If it's only for a few days, it don't matter; 
but," 'I says, "live in the house with him I never 
can." 

Bless you, he was down my throat in a minute, 
a-sayin' as Pd better stop till I was asked, and that 
some dogs was much more pleasanter than many as 
called theirselves Christians. I was natural hurt at 
them remarks, but didn't say nothin' more till I see 
Brown a-fidgettin' about after supper. 

So I says, "If it's that everlastin' dog as you're 
a-gxdzzlin! over, make your mind easy, for 'Liza's 
give him all the bits, with a bowl of water and a lump 
of brimstone in, for fear as he should go mad and 
break his chain, and she's got some straw and a bit 
of old stair-carpet for to make him a bed, as is a 
kind-hearted gal, and seemed to take to the brute, as 
nearly throwed her down, with his head a-towerin' 
over her 'n, with his paws on her shoulder. 

Bless you, Brown, he couldn't rest till he'd gone out 
with a light for to see as the creature was all right, 
as in my opinion was the cause of his goin' on as he 
did, for animals is very like children, if you wakes 



i8S 

'em up when first off, it's hours afore you'll get 'em 
to sleep agin, and so I told Brown when he come up 
to bed. For I heard that brute a-givin' in to whines 
and short barks, as I know'd meant as he was a- 
tunin' up, as the sayin' is. 

Brown is one of them heavy sleepers as nothin' 
hardly won't rouse, and off like a church the minute 
as he's in bed. 

I was a-droppin' off gentle like when I heard that 
dog" a-makin' a sawin' sort of noise, as though he 
was a-gratin' of his chain, then I heard him give a 
short bark, and then a lot of whines, and was just off 
when I started out of my skin, for he give a howl as 
sounded through the place agin. 

A nice game he kep' up, till I was pretty nigh mad 
As to wakin' Brown, I might as well a-tried to wake 
the cemetery, for he only says, " Bother the dog," and 
off in a minute. 

" Well," I says, "bear this I can't." 

So I goes to the staircase winder and opens it, as 
let in a chilly air, though I had got my thick cloak 
on and my head tied up. I didn't know the beast's 
name, so calls him "good dog;" but the moment as 
I spoke he flies out like a roarin' lion, and barked that 
furious, a-dashin' about like mad. 

Well, I was that put out, and thinks to myself as 
pr'aps a jug of cold water over him might quiet him 
down. So I gets the large stone pitcher, as is alway$ 
kep' full a-standin' on the landin', and puts the candle 
on the winder-sell, and just as I'd got the pitcher to 
the winder if the candle wasn't blowed out, but I 
thought as I could aim at that barkin* brute, as w r as 
tied up just under the winder. 

Well, I gets the jug up on the winder ledge, and 
was just a-givin' it a turn when it give a slip, and out 
it went, and must have ketched on the corner of the 
water-butt. 



1 89 

I heard it smash with a crash as was distracting-, 
and I hears some one cry out, "Murder! help! 
thieves! fire!" and I see a policeman's bull's-eye a- 
gleamin' and hears a rattle. 

So I shets the window quick, and goes back to bed 
all in the dark a-listenin'. But soon there come 
a-hammerin' at the back-door, as obligated me for 
to go down, and ir there wasn t two police as says to 
me, "■ If you keeps wild beasts, you did ought for to 
have 'em secured proper." 

I says, "Who are you a-callin' wild beasts ?" Says 
they, " Your dog*, as has roused the neighbourhood, 
as have sent to the station-house, and the party next 
door is pretty nigh drowndecl, and might have been 
killed, with a stone pitcher a-fallin' on his head, as a 
nightcap ain't no protection agin." 

I says, " Hang the dog ! for what I cares I wish he 
was at Jericho." "Well," he says, "he may be by 
this time, for he's broke his chain and bolted." 

Then I says, "Why ever did you disturb me?" 
" ' Cos," he says, " we thought as there was thieves, 
as the old g-entleman next door hollared out," 

And if it wasn't poor old Mr. Brettle next door 
as had come out of his warm bed for to try and pacify 
that dog as I'd been and soused through and through 
with cold water, as is a asthmatic party already. li 
the stone pitcher hadn't broke its fall agin the water- 
butt it must have been certain death to him. 

Well, I told the policemen for to look round in the 
momin', and gets to bed agin, In the mornin', when 
Brown drawed up the blind for to shave, I heard him 
say, " Here's a pretty go," and never did you see 
such work as that dog- had made, w T hy, if he hadn't 
been and dug a hole big enough for to bury hisself 
in, and that undermined the water-butt, as it was all 
sunk a-one-side. So Brown says, " Where's the dog? " 

I says, "Thank goodness, gone." "Gone!" says 



190 

he. " Why he's worth ten guineas. I've bought him 
for a gentleman as asked me to keep him for a day 
or two." 

" What ! " I says, " you've paid the money for him ? >: 
4i Yes," says he. " We're ruined ! " says I. 

I couldn't rest, for as soon as ever breakfast was 
over I was out at the police station, but there didn't 
seem no chance of findin' the dog. I was put out, and 
went home with a heavy heart, offerm* of a half-a- 
sovereign to any one as would bring him. I wish I'd 
a-said five shillin's, for a boy brought him about three 
o'clock, as I do believe was only sent by them police 
a$ know'd where he was all the time. 

Well, we fed him and coaxed him, 'Liza Jane and 
me, and let him go about where he liked, for I was 
afraid to let him go into the garden. 

Well, at last he took a fancy for to lay on the mat 
in the passage just as I'd gone up stairs for to tidy 
myself up for tea. When I come down it was nearly 
dusk, and if that dog didn't growl that frightful at me 
as I couldn't come down stairs nor 'Liza Jane come 
up all the evenin', and we was prisoners till just on 
eight, when Brown come in as soon settled my gentle- 
man, and sent him round to the public-house stables, 
as is his fit place. 

As to poor Mr. Brettle, I hadn't the courage to 
face him ; but when I did, he hadn't no idea as I'd 
throw'd the pitcher, but thought as it had fell acci- 
dental, as the sayin' is. 

The money it cost for to set that water-butt right, 
and tidy up the garden after that dog was a little for- 
tune, and I don't believe as ever Brown got all the 
money back as he'd paid for the dog, but he took care 
for to keep that dark, and if ever he said a word 
about anythin', I was always ready with askin why 
he didn't brinsr home another do^ ? 



JUDD AND GLASS, THCBNIX HUNTING W0KK8, LONDON. 



ADTERTISEMENTS. 



©itginal aHaterproof ftaufacttires. 

" The only one to be relied upon." 
Tide Zand <$■ Water, March 24, 1866, and Sporting Life, Jan. 27, 1866. 



CORDING'S FISHING BOOTS. 

CORDING'S FISHING STOCKINGS" AND 
BROGUES. 

CORDING'S CELEBRATED DREADNOUGHT. 



CORDING'S HUNTING & RIDING COATS. 



CORDING'S YACHTING SUITS. 
CORDING'S KNAPSACKS"! 12s. 6d. each! 
CORDING'S SHOOTING BOOTS. 
CORDING'S LIFE BELTS. 

Vide Sporting Gazette, Aug. 5, 1866. 

CORDING'S PORTABLE BATH. 
CORDING'S PORTABLE BOATS. T 

CORDING'S GROUND SHEETS~ 



CORDING'S TOURIST & STORM COATS. 
CORDING'S BOX & GIG APRONS. 
CORDING'S AIR PILLOWS &CUSHIONS7 
CORDING'S AIR & WATER BEDS. 
CORDING'S LADIES' CLOAKS, &c. 



CORDING- Contractor for POLICE CAPES. 

J. C. CORDING, Waterproofer, 
231, STEAND, TEMPLE BAE, LONDON. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 





T5ENS0N, J. W., by Special Appointment to H.R.H. 

- L? the Trince of AVii l- s. 

J>ENSON'S WATCHES! Prize Medal, 1865. 
jgENSON'S WATCHES sent safe by post7~ 

"OENSON'S CLOCKS, manufactured by Steam 

-■*-* Po orer. " 

E~~ENSON'S SILVER and ELECTRO-PLATE. 
Prize Medal, 1S62. 

B" ENSON'S ~GOLD JEWELLERY, Novel and 
Artistic. 

JgENSON'S ILLUSTRATED PAMPHLET. 2d 
T>ENSON, Old Bond-street & Westbourne-grove. 



T>ENSON'S STEAM FACTORY, Ludgate-hill. 




ADVERTISEMENTS. 



HIMMEL'S NEW PERFUME. 

IHLAWG-IHLANG, or the Flower 
of Flowers ( Vnona odoratlssima). This 
Flower, described by Rumphius as the 
most fragrant of the Eastern Arclii- 
' pelago, yields a delicious and perma- 
nent perfume. Price from 2s. 6d. per 
bottle. RIMMEL'S TOILET VINE- 
GAR, a tonic, and refreshing adjunct 
to the daily ablutions or bath, and a 
powerful disinfectant. Price Is., 2s. fid., and 5s. per bottle. 

RIMMEL'S EXTRACT OF LIME JUICE AND GLYCERINE is the 
best preparation for the hair. Price Is. 6d., 2s. 6d., and 5s. 

EUGE&E EIMMEL, Perfumer by appointment to 
H.R.H. the Princess of Wales, 

96, STRAND, 123, REGENT STREET, & 24, CORNHILL, LONDON. 




Coughs, Asthma, and Incipient Consumption 

are effectually cured by 

KEATING'S COUGH LOZENGE 

Sold in Boxes Is. ljd., and Tins 2s. 9d., 4s. 6d., £ 10s. 6d. each 

HEATING'S 
PERSIAN INSECT DESTROYING POWDER. 

Sold in boxes, Is., 2s. 6cl., and 4s. 6d. each, by 

THOMAS KEATING, 

Chemist, 

79, ST. PAUL'S CHURCHYARD, LONDON, E.G. 



14, DUKE ST., 



MANCHESTER SQUARE. 



Preserver of Birds, Beasts, Reptiles, Fish, and every 

species of animated nature. 

Skins of every description Dressed and made into Hugs. 



P. ASKEW kegs to inform the Nobilitv, Gentry, and Public, that lie 
has REMOVED bis 

Jlirfc aubjuiimal §r^Mrhi$ €gtidrli:s^mcnt 

From SO G&CHAR9 STEEET. to the above Address. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 



FELIX SULTANA & CO., 

23, POULTEY, LONDON, E.C. 



c3 



1 

<D 
r— I 

o 




O 

o 

rC5 



Cf-I 

o 



The extraordinary effects of this peculiar Oil in permanently 

restoring and beautif}'ing the hair are attested by thousands. 

Price Is. 6d. per bottle. A sample direct for 24 stamps. 

QUEEN DAGMAE'S CEOSS, 
As worn by Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales. 
This elegant jewel is universally admired. It is filled with 
the concentrated essence of a thousand flowers, and emits un- 
ceasingly a delightful perfume. 

Price os. 6d. In solid fine Gold, 2 Guineas. Post free. 

EELIX SULTANA'S CELEBRATED 
PERFUMES FOR THE HANDKERCHIEF, 

1/6 & 2/6 per bottle. 3 bottles in casket, 4/6 & 7/. 
Choice extracts of every perfume-breathing flower. 

THE NEW PERFUME, 

"BOUQUET CROQUET," 
Lately perfected by FELIX SULTANA, surpasses all others 
in its delicious and unchanging fragrance. 

FELIX~SULTANA & CO., 

ROYAL PERFUMERS, 
2 3, POULTRY, LONDON, E.C. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 



SANSFLECTUM CRINOLINES. 



Sansflectum 



Jupon, 
17/6. 



Tlie Pompadour 
Jupon, 

25/. 

Made entirely without 
steel. 




The Ondina 
Jupon, 



1^6 



The Gemma, or A 

J 

Jewelled 
Jupon, 

10/6. 



"Light, elegant, and graceful." — Court Circular. 
" The dress falls in graceful folds." — Morning Post. 

ADDLEY BOURNE, 

Family Draper, Jupon and Corset Manufacturer to the Court and 
Royal Family, 37, PICCADILLY (opposite St. James's Church, W.) 

AMOTT'S CHEAP SILKS. 

PATTERNS POST FREE. 



WEDDING 



SILKS 



DINNER 



SILKS. 



EVENING 



SILKS. 



New Checked Silks £1 3s. 6d. 

Good Black Silks, 2s. 4|d. per yard. 

New Colours and Patterns, £1 7s. 6d. 

Black Corded Silks, 1J guineas. 

Rich Foreign Glaces, £1 10s. 6d. 

New Colours in 20 shades, 2 guineas. 

Plain and Fancy Grosgrains, £2 7s. 6d. 

New Japanese Silks, 

all colours, £2 7s. 6d. 15 yards. 

Rich Moire Antiques, 2£ guineas. 

Hundreds of Wedding Silks Cheap. 

Plain, Fancy, and Figured, 2 guineas. 

Rich Italian Silks, 3 guineas. 

Small Pattern Silks for Young Ladies, 

£12s. 6d., £1 7s. 6d., £1 15s. 6d. 

A choice from a £20,000 Stock. 

Patterns post free. 



MOURNING 

SILKS. 
PROMENADE 

SILKS. 
ELACK! 

SILKS. 



PATTERNS POST FREE. 
AMOTT & COMPY., 61 & 62, St. Paul's Churchyard. 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 



$g Scmal finnffcajfo Petellic |)en gtolier to ftc $amr. 




JOSEPH GILLOTT 

Respectfully invites tlic attention of the Public to the following 
lumbers of his 

PATENT METALLIC PENS, 

Which for quality of material, east action, and great 
durability, wilL ensure universal preference. 



For Ladies' Use, for fine, neat writing, especially on thick and 
highly-finished papers.— Nos. 1, 173, 303, 604, in Extra Fine 

POINTS. 

For General Use.— Nos. 2, 164, 166, 168, 604, in Fine Points. 

For Bold Free Writing.— Nos. 3, 164, 166, 168, 604, in 
Medium Points. 

For Gentlemen's Use, for large, free, bold writing. — The Black 
Swan Quill, Large Barrel Pen, No. 808. The Patent Magnum 
Bonum, No. 263, in Medium and Broad Points. 

For General Writing. — No. 263, in Extra-fine and Fine 
Points. No. 810, New Bank Pen. No. 262, in Fine Points, 
Small Barrel. 840, the Autograph Pen. 

For Commercial Purposes. — The Celebrated Three-hole 
Correspondence Pen. No. 382. Four-hole ditto, No. 202. The 
Public Pen, No. 292. Ditto, with Bead, No. 404. Small Barrel 
Pens, fine and free, Nos. 392, 405, 603. 



To be heed of every respectable Stationer in the icorld. 

Wholesale and for Exportation, at the Manufactory, Victoria 
Works, Graham Street, and at 96, New Street, Birmingham; 91, 
John Street, New York ; and at the London Depot, 37, Gracechurch 
Street, E.C. 



LRpM 






XI? 



ADVERTISEMENTS. 



HOUS E F URNISHING-. 

MESSRS. DRUCE & CO. 

Respectfully invite parties about to Furnish before deciding else- 
where, to inspect their immense Stock of Furnishing requisites, 
consisting of 

Upwards of 1,400 Bedsteads in Wood and Metal, 

Many of them fixed ivith Furniture and Bedding complete. 

500 WARDEOBES, CHESTS OF DEAWEES, WASHSTANDS, 
TOILET TABLES, GLASSES, &c, 

Also, upwards of 500 Easy Chairs, Sofas, Side and Convertible 

Centre Ottomans, between 200 and 300 Sideboards, 

Dining and Side Tables, Dinner Wagons, §c., with Dining Room 

Chairs to match. 



Their Stock of Drawing Eoom Furniture, consisting of Walnut 
"Wood, Buhl, and Marqueterie Suites, is the most extensive in 
London, and every article being marked in plain figures, parties can 
make their own calculations and estimates without being importuned 
to purchase. 

Messrs. DEUCE & CO. may remark that theirs is the Largest 
Furnishing Establishment in the Kingdom, containing a superficial: 
area of 48,000 feet — upwards of an acre in extent. A warranty is 
given, and references to parties whom they have furnished, if required. 

A Servant's Bed Eoom well and completely Furnished for 84So> 

Special arrangements made for delivering goods in the country* 

Note the Address — 

MESSRS. DRUCE & CO., 
68, 69, & 65, BAKER STREET 

And 4, King Street, Portman Square, W. 



N.B. — -A large stock of Brussels Carpets of New and Elegant? 
Designs and Colouring, and Fashionable Fabrics for Curtains, at 
prices lower than elsewhere. 

Descriptive Catalogues Dost Free. 



HANDLOOM CARPETS 



8Q0DE, 8AINSF0RD, 



NDLOOM, BRUSSELS & WSLT 
C A R P E T S. 

Excellence of Quality and Durability in Wear, Htvnd! 

Carpets have a peculiar Advantage over those 

Manufactured hy the Powerloom. 



fRKEY&AXMINSTERCAKFr 

FLOORCLOTHS & KAMPTUL.CONS 




SUPERIOR BEDDING. 



SPi 



^ 



%■ *'"'* <$* 



* *4. • 






\* .. ^ ,r ° N °' ^ 



♦ To A 0' ^rv '* 















*\« 











i* V 6 o» 

























^ _c o - % ^ o* fylfot °* <& ■' ' 



*&v 



„4°* . 










• ■ 



v*w y % '-few / * 






^ 



S? 



°* 



«4 u 



«b# 








I wRM 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




BjlliP 
illlil 




lllllilll 




